no words

I am getting closer to weighing in for the weekend and I have been so distracted by other things in my life that I am hoping I have made life a priority over eating.  I have been doing really well this week, have gotten annoyed a few times with water intake.  Seriously, it may sound ridiculous but I track it on my hand with the good old fashioned 1,2,3,4, and then the fifth with a slash.  I have also stopped tracking my food in two places.  I have a small journal that I keep around with me to write what I eat and when but I stopped doing that since Tuesday and I am ok with it.  The way I look at it is, I usually track my breakfast in the morning when I am eating it then bring 2 meals with me to work, 1 for after my workout and then 1 for 3 hours later and the next meal is usually a salad so why do I need to waste time writing it AND tracking it, dumb, so I stopped.  Today at Applebee's, I am not sure why but I felt bigger than normal in my stomach area.  I kept looking etc.  I am really trying to reduce stress in some areas of my life bc yesterday I got stressed out thinking about how I am stressed out!  That happened when I had to buy 40 crocks for work. 

My workout was great today!  I did my shoulders and I killed it!  I also did my sprints because my trainer changed it up a little bit for me.  I am also proud to say that I gave myself plenty of time to stretch which meant getting up earlier but it will be worth it when I walk and don't have shin splits!  Just gotta do it!    Tomorrow I need to get my oil changed b/c my car is telling me I better, yay! more money! yay!  If it's nice out I might 86 working out and sub laying in the sun until I have to go to class and just read.  I really need to listen to some lectures though so I drop my car off at 9, come back, eat breakfast and watch some lectures then go lay out and feel accomplished!  

Eats was really good too!  1588/31/120/208 and sodium was at 1246, not sure how accurate but whatever.  Calories are a little bit over but I assume my sprints/elliptical the past few days will maybe help me out with the extra 10 calories ;) 

So Applebee's was a shorter shift than normal, and I dumbly kept checking my phone to see if I had received a text from a certain someone and nothing.  I was getting aggravated, annoyed, etc., everyone kept tellin me to just relax so I did and let it go and he ended up coming out to see me.  :)   So far everything has been going surprisingly well, I never expected this and so I guess things really do come around when you aren't looking, and everything else really does happen for a reason.  We both agreed to take everything slow, he has a facebook but honestly, I don't feel a need at all to be his friend on it, I don't really want to know all that and I think facebook just leads to drama and I don't want it to start off like that.  Yes, it might be able to tell me things but then he will see all of the updates about him on not only my wall but like 3245 other people's walls!  Not to mention these blogs, which I assume he wouldn't read anyways.  Whatever.  I am not concerned about being his FB friend and that strikes me as odd bc any other time I would be dying to stalk him HAHHA. what? I admit I am a FB stalker, will you?  :)  

Holy crap I almost lost this whole blog trying to change my avatar for livestrong.com Thank the stars above it's still here!

So in the end, he drove out to see me, he's really attractive, he's intelligent, he knows what he wants, he's open and so far def not a douche bag haha.  I don't want to fuck this up so I def need to just roll with it, and see how it goes but I am really excited to hang out with him again, when I am not working, and just have fun.  I feel like we would have a lot of fun together!  ok I am going to bed!  Sweet Dreams**

Bitches ain't shit

This chick looks AMAZING~ and I had an amazing day but I am hoping tomorrow will be just perfect! Went tanning in the morning, I am reluctant to even type that on here for the crap I will receive for it.  I know it's not good, I know it gives you cancer, just let me do it, it's the only bad thing I do these days.  Hit the gym after and did chest and cardio.  Chest workout was fantastic!  Def killed it, and cardio, well I started walking and I haven't been giving myself enough time to stretch so all this week I have gotten major, seriously killer shin splints.  They get so bad I have to do like 15 min of my walk/fast walk and then complete the rest of the time with the elliptical.  So, I should know better and my Mistake (12) Do not shorten workout time by skipping out on stretching or you will get some seriously killer shin splints! Work was pretty dead, didn't make that much money and I was totally going to skip class but then realized right as I got out of work, with 15 minutes to get to UB, that I have to take a flipping quiz and I can't skip. FML. So not only did I waste 45 min of my life waiting for a 10% tip, I also couldn't even make a clear cut decision bc the man owns me.

Eating was really good!  My numbers ended at  1564/28/110/209 with  sodium at 1902, not sure how accurate that is.  Pico de gallo and side vegetables were on the high end in regards to sodium content.  whatever.  The broccoli and cheese soup was the worst thing I ate today which is pretty good for Talia :)  I got bored and wanted to eat everything but realize in the end I will just get mad at myself for consuming pointless calories! 

So lastly, let me explain a little short story about how tomorrow, I hope, will turn out to be a pretty awesome day.  I workout in the morning, hopefully have enough time to stretch and straighten my hair, work the Bee's then swing over to Alden and work for the family joint.  Only until a certain someone walks through those doors will my smile look like the Joker, according to my dear friend Duane (I love him), and my day will be complete.  I am really excited that he is making the effort to come all the way out here to see me because I have such a busy schedule.  We were going to try and go out to dinner but with my late night classes etc and him working early he suggested he come out there.  Well dayumn, do you think I am going to tell you that's a bad idea?  I better load up on perfume, lotion, make-up, make sure my hair looks good...damn...I need to trim my nails ahha..for real...he makes me nervous....and I like it.....

Stop. Hammer Time

Who will not absolutely LOVE this fitspo for tonight?!?!?  Dear Chicken, are you done cooking yet?! I finally went food shopping tonight and got a few things.  Well about $40 worth of shit and dang, it doesn't go far at all.  :(  I forgot my yogurt this morning so I was eating veggies in the "window" at work and had like a very small handful of almonds and a scoop of mashed potatoes but everything was accounted for, everything was measured/weighed and I am HAPPY b/c my macros are; 1569/24/114/216 AND listen up Mr. Trainer. ..my sodium is at 878!! woop wooop! I think this is something I need to work on too not eating so much junk with sodium in it.  I met with Mr. Trainer the other day and he was very confused as to how I could be consuming so much sodium.  (100 calorie popcorn?).  In looking back it's the random shit I eat, 1/4 of a sausage here, a meatball, garbanzo beans so..yes the randomness of my daily life.  I think, honestly bc I was talking to my dear friend Kristin today that I just do not want life to be robotic.  I do not want to say ok, 6 ounces of chicken and 2 cups of broccoli at noon, then 6 ounches of chicken and 6 ounces of carrots at 3, and blah blah blah BORING.  I need spice in my life, I am a spicy, zesty Italian chick and I do no want me life to be so monotonous that I want to kill people.  Do you understand what I mean?  I mean who the hell gets excited about eating the same shit, day after day, week after week for the rest of their life?! Sorry for those who can do it, I'm not at all hatin, I am just saying that is NOT me.

One more thing about today- so let me tell you about Applebee's sizzling apple pie.  For one thing it's fucking delicious, on the other hand it's obviously extremely bad for you, but when it's in the freezer there are little/ sometimes bigger, absolutely DELICIOUS balls of crumbs that have clumped together.  On my cheat day I ate some and today I had the craving for some more right before my shift was over.  I literally walked into the freezer, pulled out the tray it was on and was about to scoop them into my hand but I stopped.  I said to myself, (rather quickly ), do you need this? do you really want this? this is not clean, put it down, do not eat this, you do not want this.  There it was, decision made, I didn't eat them although I really really wanted to.....

So I am doing what works for me, eating as I go, making sure I eat every 3-4 hours and making sure, now more so than before to not eat a ton of calories in 1 sitting.  I really want to make progress from here on out and I know that measuring/weighing and planning are going to be the three major tools to that!  You know what? I can do all of that!!

Let me also just rant about something really quick.  Facebook was intended to "connect faces" and lately it has been attracting drama.  I am not quite sure why people seem to think they need to make status' about other people without directly confronting them on things.  Maybe it;'s the SW in me that needs to confront rather than hide behind defense mechanisms but people are worrying WAY too much about other people's lives and not enough about their own.  Being a non-drinker has definitely put me in a minority category as much as it doesn't bother me what bothers me is that people are no longer trying to see things from their point of view.  They see it tunnel visioned, through their own lenses and refuse to take them off to see the bigger picture.  It's pathetic and it makes me feel good for being able to do what I want to do without having to feel embarrassed or upset that people will make fun of me.  I weighed my chicken and romaine, Parmesan cheese, tomatoes and pico de gallo before it went in my mouth.  I get weird looks from people but do I care? Absolutely not, because in the end I am going to be super happy with what I have accomplished and that's what life should be about.  It should be about making yourself happy and then attending to everyone else.  Let's face it if you aren't happy with yourself and who you are no one else is going to either!

JUST DO IT

I love this fitspo today!  Look at those girls! I know they didn't get those bodies by eating whatever they wanted and not working out!  Today I need to commit to making some more changes with my eating habits.  I know I hate measuring every little thing but it needs to be done.  Most of the time people do not comment, especially at work b/c they already know I am a nut job with this shit.  I need to plan like my trainer tells me to do all the time and I need to eat every 3 hours to make sure I don't get hunger pangs.  I know for myself that when I actually follow everything I just mentioned above I feel so much better!  My goal is to continue the weight loss every week and also to make sure that when I take pictures again that I can SEE the changes.  Right now, a week or so after and that damn "cheat" day did me no good.  So I also need to find ways to conquer my cravings during the week with healthier versions so I don't need a cheat day.  After what happened this Saturday I no longer want to even call it a cheat day, I don't want to do that to my body ever again but also, I am a realist and I am not going to sit here and tell you that I won't ever eat white bread again or I won't ever have a piece of cake.  Some people can drop all of that stuff completely but for me it's not about eliminating.

Either way, the next 7 days I am in a challenge to eat clean, which I already screwed up without realizing it bc this morning I had strawberries with the walden farms choc syrup and light whipped cream.  Not exactly clean at all,  BUT to me, that's how I am going to take care of my sweet tooth for today.  I think the bigger challenge for me will be to measure/weight/track accurately, making sure I am eating every 3 hours and hitting my macros 100%  I want to jump on that scale Saturday and be happy to see a solid 131-132 that is my goal and I am going to work hard for it!!!! Hope everyone has a FANTASTIC DAY! Time to get ready to workout!!

Cheating makes me SICK!

My fitspo for today is Jen Jewell whom placed 2nd and turned pro yesterday!  She is so inspirational, looks amazing and after what happened to me yesterday has definitely changed my mind about eating.  

I thought that yesterday might be the happiest day of my life, I got to eat fries all day, had some tortilla chips, then came to my other job with my family and ate goulash and ice cream cake for my sisters birthday.  So techniqually I didn't really eat that many different things, it was just the volume of the SAME things.  I was on my second serving of goulash and feeling like I was about 4 months pregnant.  After I finished the cake I was hittin around 6 months pregnancy.  For real, I was so bloated all I could do was think about going home and laying down.  That's exactly what I did too, didn't even take off my coat, layed on my bed.  Then I got up and walked around and felt nauseous.  Before I took a shower and went to bed at 8:30pm I almost puked.  GROSS. I can't believe it got to that point!  

Today is a new day and to reflect on yesterday if I could re-do it I would change this whole cheat day into a cheat meal which is probably closer to what I am supposed to be doing.  I really didn't do too bad with macros, as far as I know.  It's a total guess b/c I didn't weigh anything and I was almost not even going to track it but I ended up at 1945/76/203/112 and 72 grams of sugar so I am really not quite sure what made me so sick, honestly I think it was all of the sodium and the sugar together.  I weighed myself and I was at 135 which I was surprised but not extremely shocked.  I thought it would be higher bc of the sodium but I ate all the fries in the earlier part of the day and then sugar later and I didn't drastically intake on calorie consumption so 3 pound gain I will accept.  

Now I feel as if I am getting really close to this competition.  I know it's only July (almost) but I want to be ready and having cheat days that leave me hanging over the toilet isn't going to help me.  Although, the way I look at it is like this.  Lets rewind to before I started working with my trainer, I was on a vicious binge cycle and a binge would literally look 2x as worse than this!  For example, I am going to take a minute and find a day where I binged and tracked it and you will be absolutely shocked! Ok this would be a cheat day example, July 4th last year 3462/108/438/119 !!!  Now this makes me super happy bc this just shows me that I have come a very long way from this!!

Today I plan on working out (so excited), keeping my eating clean and just enjoying the day and my stomach not being so bloated that it looks like I am 6 months pregnant!  Jen is such an inspiration and I want to be able to post pics next month with visible progress!  I have about 3 weeks before I post new pics!  Plenty of time to hit it HARD!!!

This is my fitspo for today because today could get very complicated. I weighed in and was near 132, no at 132 or 131 but near 132.  FUCK THAT. Last week I was 133 so I really shouldn't complain.  I have been doing well, I just wish it was faster weight loss.  I of all people should not even be saying that with my Personal Training knowledge and certification I would NEVER EVER tell someone to judge their success by that scale and yet I still am?  I don't really understand myself and in replying to a comment I got from my most personal blog post EVER last night I realized that I need to take a step back and really understand my emotions.  Right now I am confused, I am happy that it's my cheat day but I am also nervous that because I am in such an emotional state that I am going to try and eat my emotions, go extremely overboard with calories and then be mad at myself tomorrow.  So my biggest goal today is to NOT do that.  Thanks for playing!

More than one..

Some late night fitspo along with some late night emotions for sure!  I am super nervous about weighing in tomorrow.  I had a really good week but this is always the "have-i-done-enough-to-be-successful-at-another-pounds-of-weight-loss" stress.  My macros ended at 1587/42/119/194.  I get so anxious because if I don't lose a pound how will affect my attitude tomorrow?  I try and not let the scale control and consume me because I know better than to let that measure my success but I can't help it.

Anyways, this blog entry is about to get really girlie and have nothing to do with health, fitness, muscles or working out although I did wake up late this morning I got out early enough to hit up the gym and do my leg workout! THUMBS UP TO THAT. end.  I'm about to talk about really personal stuff and some people may not want to continue any further due to not wanting to know some things.. consider yourself warned...I need to release all of these thoughts and I know that most people that read this are women..I think....Besides you Tom and Ron!

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Are you sure you want to continue? That was the red tape above.... The things I am about to write are seriously personal and I am definitely giving up a lot in writing this, but like I said I need some therapy and this is how I get it, by writing and thinking, typing and thinking actually.....

As you all may know, the guy texted me, we texted all day and I'm supposed to see him at some point this weekend.  I am excited, I am happy but I am also scared and nervous.  He seems really legit (as legit as someone can be through words via reading-strange yeah I know).  So far we like a lot of the same things, which is scary all on it's own.  How can some random guy that I am physically attracted to not only feel the same way but through just texting seem like someone I really wanted to get to know? So why scared and nervous?  because I still really have feelings for my ex (I know I always will) and I am not quite sure really what to do about it.  Life is full of fucked up decisions, mistakes etc and sometimes we choose the wrong path but we always learn from it right?  Things happen for a reason, right?  I just can't though for the life of me tell myself that I am over him because I am not.  When it ended that didn't mean my love for him ended.  This new guy asked what I was looking for and I said just to live life, that I had a recent breakup, that we were together for a long time, that I want to get to know him and take life day by day that I have met a lot of lame people (men) and that I just want to meet someone real and someone to have fun with.  All of that is so true. He said he was seeing a girl for a few months but no longer is and taking life day to day would be nice because he jumps into things too soon.  I feel as if I should be open to letting other people in my life but when I think about it deeper, do I really want to be with someone? no.  Then again am I being really over reactive I mean this guy didn't say he wanted to marry me! HAH!  Seriously, if I think about my ex and my ex meeting someone it makes my eyes fill with tears (like right now) thinking about him being in love with someone else because I want him to still be in love with me.... but it's what I was scared of him doing that I did, not falling in love with another person but just meeting someone.  I think I need therapy.  I'm like stuck in the middle.  Metaphorically speaking I have buried my heart so that no one else could obtain it, only one person but I don't know if he's ever going to come back and not knowing that I keep it buried just in case.  Like a friggin dog that buries their bone bc they are afraid us humans will find it or another dog will or something and they keep it there just in case something bad might happen to it.  I think this is starting to look like an anxiety disorder.  

Honestly, if I were on the other side of me I would say "Talia, you are over thinking this, you just met this new guy, you don't know who he really is through text messages, he's not asking you to have his children and you may even find out along the getting to know him road that he's a total dueche bag"  ok settled.  STFU Talia, live your life, meet people, keep the love you have for your ex, if you are meant to be together it will happen on it's own, you can't force it, ride out the life wave.....going to bed...wish me luck with that damn scale tomorrow!

Happy Happy Joy joy!!

Some food fitspiration for today!  Doesn't necessarily have to be fit people it can be anything fit, clean food, and even motivational quotes!  I like this one so I am going to use it!  I woke up too late to hit the gym this morning.  We have two german shepherds, brother and sister, River and Rain.  Well River likes to be annoying in the morning sometimes and keep bothering me while I am sleeping.  He kept coming in and pushing his nose on me.  It usually means he has to shit really bad hahaha.  Only thing was my dad was up so they had to have been out already, I told him to wait a minute.  I squinted at the clock across the room and realized it was 815.  I set my alarm for 645 :( FUCK  Now I am freaking out bc tomorrow is my weigh in and if I don't get to workout I will feel like that is why I didn't lose weight this week, if I don't which I think that I will but who knows.  ANYWAYS, I work a double and if I don't get out early enough I won't have time to workout at all inbetween.  I work tonight until 9 so unless I drive all the way back to where I work which is half hour drive I will miss out on today.  I need to figure out something, either way as long as I can either lift or walk I will be happy.  If I get out early this morning I will try to hit up the good ol legs and then just walk after work, then I will be satisfied.  So the only thing I wish out of today is to get out early enough to get my leg workout in!

ON AN AWESOME NOTE--8:50am this morning I get a text from a number not saved in my contacts. OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG YES!  Taylor!!! HAHAHAH soo exciting!! workout? who the fuck cares?!  haha Just kidding.  No seriously though, I am super excited!!  More on THAT later!  Today my own personal goal is to eat good, stay on task with my macros and drink a lot of water!  Have a FANTASTIC day!

Time Conflict

Great FITSPIRATION from Jillian Michels today!  I am sitting down, after just eating my last meal for tonight which I am actually quite sad about.  Today my calories didn't take me very far.  I just got really hungry so ate the rest of my chicken I got from Wegman's earlier, ate half a sausage left over from the parents dinner then decided I needed popcorn.  Tracking as I am eating and I realize if I eat the whole 100 calorie bag I will be in the 140's for carbs so I stop at half a bag and eat some scrammies of fritos scoops without actually eating any more than 5 whole ones.  Anyways, I ended at about 1525/38 (woops how did that happen)/135/168.  Not gonna sweat over it but I definitely know why I am craving food so bad. (1) I have only had 11 glasses of water so far (2) I skipped class to catch up on some lectures for my online class and being home is associated with being bored and therefore being hungry and therefore unnecessarily eating.  This time though, I stopped myself before it got out of hand I just might finish a few more lectures and head to bed.  I know right, it's only 7:56pm! what the F is wrong with me? Well my subject line today if you noticed is time conflict...so this is where I tell you why I am going to be in bed before 9.

I was supposed to work at 12 tomorrow and close lunch but someone had to switch and I wanted to help out and come in at 1030 instead.  Only problem is I WANT to (I was going to write HAVE, but really I want to and NEED) to workout because I already took 1 day off and I was planning on taking my other day off on Saturday so that Sunday I could workout with any time restraints.  Considering my last workout is arms which takes forever..oh Trainer...oh Trainer.. lol  Anyways, so working at 1030 means I have to be done working out at 10 to shower and get ready by 1030.  I will have to do my cardio from 930-10 and so therefore do weights from 830-930 which means leaving the house at 8, getting up at 645-700.  YIKES!  I have totally mastered the back tracing of time in order to figure out when I have to rise.  Looks like it will be with the birds tomorrow.

Today, besides this little blurp of hunger because of skipping class which BTW I totally emailed my professor and told her I was not going to lie that I am behind on stuff from working etc., that life happens and I had to catch up.  I am hoping my all out honesty will allow me to not be ::cringes-face-over-saying-this-word:: penalized.  I came into work today thinking I was going to be expo.  They told me to clock in as trainee and I learned fry side!  I may be crazy for thinking so but it was great!  So different than being on the other side.  It wasn't insane busy, and so I got to learn a lot.  It's definitely helpful already knowing the food items and what goes on them, now I just have to build them.  I think I did a really good job, I think everyone was impressed.  A few people asked if I was back there by choice, a few people have expressed that I will hate it in days and a few others flat out told me not to do it but I wanted to.  I need another new challenge to go along with this competition journey and what better challenge than learning to cook fry at Applebees?  Anyways, my M.O. is more hours and hopefully more money in my check.  UB has taken me for all I am worth pretty much!

Oh yes, 1 more thing before I go.  Yesterday I didn't want to post this just in case what was supposed to happen didn't but a guy came and sat at the bar, I thought he was extremely attractive and so I had the bartender figure out if he was single.  Let me stop here and explain why I didn't want to (1) I had no make-up on, I ALWAYS wear make-up at work and b/c of my eye infection I had to throw everything out (it was a tragedy at the garbage can) (2) I was actually really busy and even spritzed on some "Very Sexy so the few times I got to speed by he could smell me :)  Anyways, in the end he is single, the bartender told him I would be working tomorrow and to come back.  What the bartender forgot to take note of was that I wasn't serving.  So today I made sure everyone was aware of what this guy looked like because I was cooking I couldn't just leave the station and go out there.  I had it in my head that he wasn't coming and then all of a sudden someone came back and said "he has just arrived"  So me being the apparently ballsy girl I have grown to be, wrote my number on a piece of paper with my name, went up to him and said "I am the girl that inquired about you yesterday, but I am cooking, so here is my number, call me if you want" then I walked away and realized I didn't even introduce myself.  My heart was having a serious mini attack people, adrenaline junky for SURE!  So I turned around quickly, went back and asked his name "Taylor" "Talia" we shook hands and I like literally ran away, I think he might have seen my heart palpitate through my shirt.  Apparently he was smiling and excited after, I really have no idea and I haven't heard from him yet so we will see.  I really hope that he does!  If not, oh well, I took the chance, better than letting it pass by, right?  So I definitely had an exciting day! 

Tomorrow is my last day before I weigh in again and although I am not as anxious as last week, I still am nervous.  I am sure I will experience yet another mini attack before I get on the scale so I def have to make sure I hit my numbers and my water count perfect tomorrow!  I know I can do it, I just have to make sure I plan it all out.  I don't foresee myself going out tomorrow night, I still have a lot of lectures to do and a Pretty Little Liars episode to catch up on!!! Hope everyone had a great day!  It's legs for me tomorrow and you KNOW I will be up and at that gym by the time I had above!!!

FITSPO?

Not sure if anyone is familiar with the term "thinspo" so let me explain.  I have seen two different versions of how it's interpreted, one is that they are pictures of very thin girls and girls whom have an eating disorder (anorexia/bulemia) strive to look like.  If you were to google thinspo and look at images, you would be disgusted.  Another definition I have seen is that it is a "pro-ana" or "pro-anorexia" concept but that promotes anorexia as a healthier "choice" not a disorder.  Either way, it's crazy, right?  I wish these girls would come to realize what healthy really is. 

Anyways, the reason I brought this up is because I found the above picture that someone posted in my "Fit For Life" group on facebook.  (By the way if you haven't "liked" this group yet, I would suggest it, I have never had so much inspiration and motivation in my daily life).  So I tracked it back to the person who originally posted it and it was on someones blog but instead of posting thinspo she posts whats called FITSPO!  

FITSPO are inspirational pictures of fit, healthy woman who workout, have muscles, even pictures of healthy foods etc and I think this could be a HUGE part of my blog because I really like the concept!  Seeing pictures like this I think not only motivates me but makes me realize that what I am doing, eating healthy and working out DAILY is something I have set out to achieve and NO ONE can take that away from me!

Today I had a few people compliment me on my progress so far and that is the absolute BEST! When people start to notice, compliment, comment, it makes me feel so amazing that all of my hard work is really paying off!  It's really weird, today I started thinking, well what happens when I reach my goal and I do the competition and then it's over?  I literally started to get sad thinking about it, but I'm coming to realize, this is just the BEGINNING!  I am on this journey for LIFE! not just until October for a competition but like the other people I have met so far that have done one, do another, are excited to push themselves even further and those girls are the BEST inspiration around!  I have never in my life have had so many people around me that are all into the same things.  Even though we are dispersed all over the world, live in different places and have never actually met just the positive influences are a push all on it's own!  When I first started working out way back in like 2006 I didn't have anyone to give me advice, just fitness forums where I got confused with all the different, conflicting information.  I feel like now I am FINALLY surrounded with exactly all the right people and I couldn't be happier!

A little bit about my day, I killed some carbs in the morning.  Not sure what it was but I def was craving them and I do not have much food to work off of right now considering I just paid off my $3500 some odd tuition bill.  We were pretty busy at the Bee's and then I had to work in Alden right after that.  For some reason, being at my second job ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS makes me hungry.  I ate when I got there at 5 and I was so hungry by 7.  Luckily, I had someone come visit me and it made me realize I wasn't hungry at all.  Glad I didn't eat because when I got home I tracked and I am at 1546/30/135/197.  Surprisingly enough, I am getting pretty good about these numbers!  I debated while I was cleaning up on bringing a salad home but for some reason I said F*-it and never did and I'm glad otherwise I would have been extremely disappointed if I couldn't eat it.  I have been trying to make eating not such a big deal like I usually do/did.  I would go insane if I couldn't eat every 3 hours on the hour or ever 4 hours.  I remember coming to work sometimes after a workout, wanting to eat what I brought before I started working and couldn't because we would get busy right away.  I can put myself in that EXACT position right now and tell you how aggravated I was, how annoyed I felt and I literally let it affect my service.  Now I just eat as I go, do what I gotta do and eat when I can and as long as it's roughly every 3-4 hours I am happy.  I definitely have to keep reminding myself that I need to eat to live that I'm not living to eat!

I am excited to workout tomorrow morning, today's back workout was awesome.  I pushed myself to lift heavier so I am expecting to be sore when I wake up!  Good night!!!!! 

POPCORN!

I LOVE LOVE LOVE these 100 calorie bags of popcorn!  Def a lot of kernels in these bitches!  Just enough to keep my salt cravings to the wall.  Today, overall went well.  The only few things I need to rant about are (1) UB will NOT allow any sort of summer payment plan for tuition which I will permanently label as bullshit, but we all know how I feel on this issue (2)  I had to switch to daily contacts which cost me another $70 in credit card debt.  The only wish that I wanted to come true out of today was the okay to put contacts into my eyeballs and that occurred so I am happy.  

I had my eye appointment at 1pm so I decided to skip the gym and there were great reasons behind this.  Basically, I wanted to get some school work done and I would have had to drive to the gym before my appointment which is out of my way then drive back the way I already was and then go back past the gym. Dumb, waste of time and my trainer's chest workout left me feeling sore today so I was good for a rest day!  Back at it tomorrow and I am so excited to workout.  Taking 2 days off a week is about as much rest as I could give my body.  I was only doing 1 before and I was doing WAY more cardio.  One thing I have noticed though and I should test this theory again but if it's true I don't want it to happen is this... My schedule has me walking 5x per week, I can use other pieces of equipment and so last week I did the elliptical 2 days in a row.  Obviously I burned more calories and the days after I used the ellipitcal I was much hungrier than normal.  The reason why I would like to try this again is because it was the week right before my "friend" came to visit so I am assuming that had something to do with it too.

Any who, so I decided to sleep in, had a late breakfast, around 1`1, ate again after my appointment when I got to school.  I stopped at wegmans and got the salad bar.  I wanted a $6 meal but everything was breaded and didn't have calorie counts.  So I bought one of their pre-made chef salads with veggies and egg on it and then some picked chicken so that I knew how much it weighed out to be.  Ate that around 3, then at 6 had some carrots I brought with me and then just got home and ate some more stuff at 10.  I actually really love NOT being home all day because it forces me to make sure I have food to eat throughout the day.  I think this is something I have been learning how to do a little bit better.  I KNOW I will go crazy and eat off of my plan if I just wing it.  Tomorrow will be the same but it's going to be a little more difficult bc I am running out of food. 

Stats ended at 1527/31/121/197  BOOOYAH!!!! Got A's on my papers in class so far so I guess I am a happy camper! dang..I wish I was camping!!!!

Life

Life is seriously a messed up ride for sure.  I am sitting here, calm on the outside, but bursting at the seams inside.  I know how I am feeling, I know what I am feeling and I know why I am feeling like this but I can't express it.  I will have to just do it metaphorically and to be honest anyone who really knows me could absolutely guess what it is and to even further my honesty, I could just be totally blunt about it but something tells me not to be.  My status just now on facebook is "Life always takes you to places you never knew you would go, but what about the trips your heart takes you too? those places where you don't know what to think, do or say, you just know what you feel...?" Isn't that so true?  Granted I just made it up but really that's what it's like for me right now.  It has nothing to do with eating or working out or this competition, or money.  Only one thing left. I am so confused, I want 6 different things that can't all take place at the same time and I don't know what to do.  I can't even really think of what to write for this blog because all I can think about is how I am thinking.


I guess I will just close this for now..today went welll 1562/32/112/209 ..and..done.  Seriously, you know there is something wrong when I can't even type thoughts.  They are so jumbled I can't even sort them...

Happy!

My beautiful friend Sara and her Prince Michael were married yesterday and it was a beautiful wedding.  The wedding and reception were at the same spot, Klock's in West Seneca.  Everything was awesome, the food, the company and of course the dancing! I can't WAIT to see the professional photos of us dancing the night away.  Of course...who was the first one on the dance floor? ME! It was really fun and I am glad I went regardless of my mild case of pink eye.

I must say though, although I went over my calories/fat/carbs/protein..1884/51/181/190 and it should have been 1575/30/130/189 I am NOT concerned at all because all of my choices yesterday were healthy!  I was really good before we went, ate meals and had protein shakes and was definitely feeling as if I would want to drink because of all my peers that were drinking.  I got there and some girl I haven't seen in a long time says "tell me that's not water you are drinking" and I said "yes it is and it's delicious"  that was pretty much the end of it from her which I was surprised with because she is usually one of those people that keeps saying stuff over and over.  A few other people said to just drink today but they let it go fast because they realize that I can be a good time and have a great time without alcohol!  I didn't eat any of the rolls, I didn't eat any of the chocolate on the table, and I didn't eat the wedding cake/ice cream.  I am so proud of myself for coming this far in my eating habits!  A few months ago I would definitely have eaten all of those, and probably given into the peer pressure of drinking and I didn't, I had the will power, I know in my head what my goals are and I stuck with it!

I will continue to express how much I still need to learn but for the past month I have already learned a lot about myself and what I can accomplish when I push the influence of others aside and really think and focus on my own goals!

Sun goddess

Just spend a few hours in the sun, did my toe nails, my fingernails, got a little darker, I hope!   I weighed in this morning at 133!  Down 4 pounds from last week!!!!! Last week I was 137! Woop woop!  Seriously, I couldn't sleep at all last night, worrying about my eyeballs and stressing over my weigh in.  I woke up a zillion times to go pee and check my eyes, needless to say they weren't getting better.  Then finally I called Lenscrafters in the morning and asked if they could diagnose and prescribe something if I had pink eye and so I had to get up early, 930 :(  I was so looking forward to sleeping it!  :(  So then I got up and went to the bathroom again and knew it was time to do the weigh in.  I seriously have a mini heart attack as I undress and prepare to step on.  I was so nervous, I know I am doing good but I also know that this week I can't say I gave it 110% because of those few slip ups, but whatever I have been doing has paid off.  Now I am super excited and super determined to keep it going!  I don't want to get cocky, I don't want to get lazy I want to do better now!  This is what I needed to pick myself back up, if I would have seen an increase it would have killed me considering everything else that is going on.

So I do have a very mild case of bacteria in my eye, not sure why I keep getting this.  Dad seems to think it's from the gym but I don't know.  I think I am going to try the daily disposable contacts instead.  The Dr. was super nice and when I told her I didn't have insurance she gave me the drops for free.  I had to pay $45 for the exam but that definitely saved me a lot of money because according to her they were expensive.  

Tonight I am watching my friend Sara get married and I am so excited to go out after!  NOT excited to have to wear these glasses but whatever, I am not going to cry over it.  The only thing I might cry over is my debt, and I have seriously been thinking I might need to take out a loan from my local bank to just pay off all my debt and have 1 payment to the bank.  I really hope I can convince them to do it, I am not sure how that works though? I don't know what else to do.  I can no longer be using any of my credit cards.  I have also considered being a cook at applebee's so that when I work I can work longer.  If they give me $10 an hour and I work the morning shifts, I would be making more than I am not which is what I need.  

Anyways, I am hoping for an awesome night and go downtown and dance the night away!!!!

F* OFF

You know, it's so hard to just be positive for a full 24 hours because something, SOMETHING ALWAYS happens.  My UB summer tuition is due July 19th, no payment plan, if you don't pay it off in full you will get late fees.  Are you FUCKING kidding me?  Let me get this straight, I have to take out loans for spring and fall semester, the loan DOES NOT give me any money for summer tuition and they expect that I will have this insane amount of money in a month?  Are you on crack?  I can't even begin to tell you how aggravated I am, not to mention that BOTH of my eyes are red and I swear to God if I have pink eye again I may KILL someone for real.  I don't know what it is but it better not be pink eye.  I am so annoyed right now I will probably just go to bed.....
sucked with calories bc of the end of the night and I am so mad I am not even hungry..
1264/27/127/133
if i had a random piece of chicken right now I would slap that in my mouth but I don't.  Only good thing was that I finally finished that stupid chicken strips with the ass load of sodium in it
Goodbye

Steak fight!!

Today at work the most ridiculous fight broke out over an over cooked steak between a cook and a server. Insane.  My coworkers seriously let the dumbest things aggravate the shit outta them, for example; dishes.  Wait hold on, you are causing your blood pressure to ride, cortisol to increase and emotions to fly over dishes?? YIKES.  I think all of us need to take a yoga class together...

Other than a few bumps with humans, my workout was AWESOME. I killed my shoulders and I could feel it even when I was doing dishes! GASP, YEAH, I DID THEM! lmao. I did 45 min of walking because yesterday I only did 15 so I finished that up.  Tomorrow is arms and cardio and then I have the weekend off from working out!  Saturday my friend is getting married and I am really really excited to just have a good time!! 

Macros were ON SPOT today!  1570/25/124/204!  I am really happy about that and I only consumed 1510mg of sodium!

NOW.....let me just finish this lovely blog by ranting...now I know my summer semester bill was due to come out sooner or later but I figured, no biggie, payment plans are my specialty.  So I go ontothe website where it says I owe 3,489.77 by July 19th, 2011.  Oh, really?  I don't think so.  Let me get this straight.  I am taking out loans for spring and fall semesters because I can't afford it, but yet summer session is over $1000 more and you want me to pay it by a certain time and then tell me "You are not eligible to enroll in any payment plans at this time." EXCUSE ME, but you better make me eligible ASAP for real or I will die from a heart attack worrying about money yet again...  /rant

In all honesty...

I guess keeping with the theme of honesty and considering that my trainer reads these too- HI!!!  you might want to stop reading because if you keep going you are going to be mad.  You may also just tell me I can't have any cheat days until I get this right.  I would be a mean trainer and do that, oh god awful.  I just made love to some frito scoops and it was amazing! Yikes, I know, and since I need to be honest, I will share my most awful macros from the time I started until now (not including my cheat day) is...omg...it's horrible...1958/57/171/200, 3968 mg of sodium.  Wow. this is what my menstrual cycle does to me?  This wouldn't be so bad if that damn bag of frozen chicken strips wasn't still existing in my freezer so craps sake!  :(  I'm just glad I took those pictures yesterday but seriously really worried about my weigh in, I feel like there is something seriously wrong with me for not being able to stay on task?  Like earlier today I was sooo pumped about eating healthy and being good, what happened? I think it's every time I work for my family's place I end up eating the mozzarella cheese and then that triggers eating more salty things.  That's all I can think of because if I wouldn't have eaten the cheese or the fritos I would be where I should be with calories.

My feelings right now are frustrating, and rage.  I want to do so well but I am holding myself back.  My mentality of thinking is that I should somehow make up for it tomorrow by being on a liquid diet or some crazy shit like eating1200 calories.  I know though, from previous experience that this NEVER works, I ALWAYS say, ok I will just eat way less tomorrow and then I get half way through the day and then mow down on whatever is closest to me at the time of ultimate consumption!  I am just so mad that I keep telling myself I want to walk across that stage knowing I did whatever I could to get to that point and right now I'm feeling like I am failing myself....wish I had a better blog to write but I should probably end it here before I get too miserable lmao

4 months out!

These pictures were taken this afternoon by my wonderful friend NICOLE I heart you! This is my progress from May 13-June 14 and I think I look better now than I did in Florida.  I have my own critiques, concerns and worries but I am definitely proud of how I am coming along.  This past weekend was tough because I am going to be getting my monthly friend any minute now and I am still freaking out about my weigh in.  I did awesome today with macros..1371/16/119/191.  Little low in some areas but get this shit.  I packed my lunch and I didn't even eat the mini rice cakes I COUNTED OUT.  Seriously, wtf?!  Any other day I would have had them eaten before I was going to eat them but today I said you know what, it's not worth the carbs and the sodium, so good for me!  

I was also told by my beloved trainer, LMAO, to cut out the fruit at the end of the day.  Woops.  So, mistake (11) don't eat fruits before bed, said it may cause a spike in my weight the next day too.  I am also thinking that the sodium levels the day before I weighed in last week could have done me in too.  I went back to see what they were at and realized I never even tracked the full day!  Usually when I do that, I don't want to know the truth.

Anyways, going to bed happy knowing I gave it my all today, knowing I will give it my all tomorrow and shoot for the stars.  Seeing progress in my pictures definitely does help and knowing I still have a ways to go is helping me stay focused.  Is it crazy that I haven't even gone up on stage yet and I already am 90% sure I want to do the one for next spring?!?! 

Immersion

Today I had a morning shift and then was supposed to study at the library but instead of staying there I printed some stuff off, annoyed the hell out of everyone that was studying (with Nicole of course).  The two of us are crazy together, I love it! First of all, what I want to talk about really has nothing to do with my competition training so I guess I will toss in some BS about that first. Uh, let's see, according to TDP I took in 3218mg of sodium today?  I honestly don't believe that to be true.  Why?  b/c I know how my body feels after eating that much and I def do not feel like that at all.  End macros were 1515/29/129/194.  What else can I say?  I was about 90% accurate with tracking.  Seems to be a major theme.  Oh yeah, also, I did have everything planned bc I was going to study after work, make a salad and bring it with me, but then I changed my mind.  Oh well.

So what I wanted to write about is this Immersion I had to do for my Diversity and Oppression class.  The assignment was to identify yourself and the roles you experience in everyday life and then place a disability on yourself.  I chose to have a spinal cord injury that left me wheelchair bound and only able to make movements above my waist.  Writing the final draft today made me seriously realize how insane it would be for this to happen.  I would have no idea how to cope, I cried at the gym when I had a stress fracture and couldn't use anything but the bike, I couldn't even begin to imagine what it would be like to never be able to walk again.  I know my paper was beautifully written and I do not want to copy and paste it here but basically I just wanted to point out how lucky I am.  I may bitch, moan and complain about sodium intake or how I wasn't 100% on with my tracking and measuring, but seriously? there are people out there who can't even workout, will never be able to do a competition, or ever walk again.  I truly appreciate the life that I have, the things I am able to do and the people around me.  

I am still taking things day by day, my goal is still to lose that pound this week and be at 135, I will be happy.  This isn't going to be an easy journey and I just keep telling myself that a month is already gone, that I can't and won't go back to my binging lifestyle.  Since I have started I have NOT binged and to me that is one of the top 3 reasons I wanted to do this.  What does that mean?  It means I need to remind myself of where I was and where I am going.  I KNOW I can do this and I know I want to walk across that stage saying I gave it my all.  These are the things I think about when I want to late night eat, I remind myself that those aren't the actions that are going to make me ready.  I went food shopping tonight and I am SUPER EXCITED!  I always get so happy when I know I have good food!  Eggs, yellow, red and green peppers, strawberries, light whipped cream, rice cakes, broccoli, yogurt, hummus, carrots! yum! yum! So many good foods,  I think for me, just knowing I have all of this healthy food makes it easier for me.  I have been trying to plan my meals but that hasn't been going to well.  What I am trying to concentrate on mostly is reaching my macros and eating every 3-4 hours.  I went a little longer once today but I am not going to fret about it.  Every day is a new day with new challenges and if my trainer thinks I need to step it up and be more strict about it then I am sure the time will come when he has to tell me that.  Right now, other than last week I have been losing so this is how I see it.  If I lose that pound this week, I am on the right path and good with tracking.  If I do not lose that pound and gain another I, myself will make it more strict!  Deal ?  Deal!  PeAce out!

Life & Death

We all know to live doesn't mean your alive and it seems like out of everyone in the world those that live or grew up in Alden know exactly what I am talking about.  Almost every year, if not at least it seems like every 6 months another person is taken away from us.  Don't get me wrong I am perfectly clear that people die every minute, etc, etc but it just seems like death has taken over Alden and turned many people sad.  It makes me think about how often the subject of death is avoided or think of those who have a horrible time dealing with it or coping with it but in the end it's all different.  My heart, thoughts and prayers go out to their family and friends.  

In my life things have gotten a little bit better.  Today I weighed and measured most everything, and I feel much better about it.  I am running out of food though and I am desperately trying to eat up all of this pre-cooked, pre-sliced chicken strips I bought from restaurant depot it seems like weeks ago.  I have about a half of a bag left out of the 2 that came in the case and my only reasoning behind this is because of the sodium.  Unfortunately, there is no nutritional label on the box and so I had to go off the next best option on the livestrong tracking plate.  If this is correct, 1 serving holds over 300mg of sodium which put me over the top for today.  I know I am holding water weight and then the only options for food I have are things that contain an ass load of sodium.  For real period just get here and fucking leave because your fucking pissing me off.  I label my days as "bad" bc I do not track 100% and so therefore I upped calorie a little but but today I will end with 1500/24/151/178.  My sodium is at 2617! YIKES! high on carbs...again

My biggest inside issue here is that 1 pound I gained, if I had lost something I would have been ok with life and so I am struggling to accept that.  Not only accept it but try to lose that pound this week, if I gain another it's going to seriously fuck with my dome.  Like I said before this has been the hardest (since friday, so friday saturday and not so much today but still can't say I was 100%, I was definitely more accurate than yesterday though)  I will give myself a 90% and even the 1500 on livestrong says 1445 so maybe I should go up to my max of 1575.  I will tell you one thing, the time around my cycle is going to be the hardest.

My goal for Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday is to plan ahead as much as I can, I know tomorrow will be kind of tough bc I do not have much food, I will have to wing it and take a lot of shakes but hopefully I will make some money and go food shopping!  I know I got this, I know I can do this!  My biggest goal this week is to lose that pound and be at 135 and I will be a happy camper.  I will be even happier if I can get to 134 but will be satisfied with 135!

I just want to add to this because I am talking with someone about cravings and how she craves sweet and I crave salty/crunchy.  About how her mom ate a lot of sweets when she was pregnant and I see my mom and dad picking/snacking on mostly salty/crunchy things.  I think I need to make a list of what I want to buy for food and what I want to eat.  I also think I need to do it just day by day, like I want to think ahead but I also need to focus on one day at a time!

Sad Sam Saturday

I am looking forward to pumping some iron this morning.  I had a dream last night that felt like reality when I woke up but knew immediately it wasn't true.  How can something make you so sad?  Maybe because deep down I wanted it to be true but know that may never be possible.

Yesterday I need to put behind me so I am not going to re-live it but today I was 136 on the scale.  I am actually accepting of that because I honestly thought it was going to be much worse.  I ate a lot of sodium/useless calories and I am not proud of it but it's true that once you start crunching you can't stop.  Luckily I only ate some sort of tortilla chips and rice cakes and a little bit of cereal.  I gave up on the idea that I was going to be accurate with my calorie count and to be honest I didn't even care because I know I am going to give this week my all.  I already divided up some powders and things to eat along the way.  I am working a double today and supposed to go out later but I really do not even think I feel like it.  Right now I just want to be sleeping but since that's not possible I guess I will have to accept the fact that I will be working all day.  My goal for this week is to stay true to my calories, stay true to tracking and lose that 1 pound maybe even get to 134 would be awesome.  I know it's going to be a slow pace but as long as I keep sodium leves under control, weight things, and measure things I will be ok.  I also think that maybe if I have everything with me instead of getting food at work that I will feel less like I am being watched when I weigh things at work.  I hate that feeling.  I don't care what people think of me but you can't take out that feeling of being the outcast, which I already know I am.  I don't drink and I am doing a competition, 2 things that not very many people in this world can say they are doing.

Other than these things I just need to stay focused and realize that I am the only one who is getting up on stage.  No one is going to be next to me expect other people who may or may have not been giving it more than I have so I definitely need to step it up.  My biggest problem is with planning and so this is what I need to work on EVERYDAY, day by day, minute by minute!

Just saying

Planning isn't my thing.  We know this, this needs to be fixed.  I am really not looking forward to weighing myself tomorrow, considering it will be my time of the month next week that is one factor I do not think the scale will like me.  The other factor is, this picking and eating here and there isn't going to help me lose weight.  Also, my cheat day, so, as much as I want to positive about tomorrow, looking at my livestrong plate for the day looks like I will be living off of water and protein powder the rest of the night. LMAO . Not worried about it, I have done it before and I will be fine.  So what gives?  Didn't we JUST meet with our trainer last night and this was one of the issues? Yes, indeed it was.  Sorry.  Guess I still don't get it but I think seeing the scale tomorrow will help.


I know I can NOT let this take over me and I know I have to just suck it up, realize what I need to change and just do it.  I volunteered somewhere this morning where I actually DID bring an apple and some protein powder.  Then they had watermelon, pasta salad which I ate all the meat and cheese and then I get home and I have no idea what we are having for dinner.  Not good.  Definitely didn't set myself up very well.  I am also running out of food too which never helps me.  The plan then, is to gety on the scale tomorrow like normal, act normal regardless of what it says.  I was what 135 last time I weighed myself?  I gained 4 pounds after my cheat day so I will estimate 137?  If I am still 135 I will be happy, if I am 134 I will be shocked.  Honestly, am I expecting weight loss this week?  No.  Why am I being a debbie downer about it? bc things just don't add up, it's not realistic, it's just not.


Work tonight and then coming home to do some homework and hit the bed early because I need to get up early and workout before work.  PeAce ya'll

My heritage

My Italian heritage can be blamed for pretty much everything and now I am blaming my love for mozzarella cheese on it too.  I had to work the lunch shift at Applebee's today and I stayed until I was finished with every last table considering my current financial state.  From there I drive 1/2 hour to my family restaurant and when I get there my mom is working on this huge order.  Chicken parms, subs, salads, bread etc and so at the end of all of this is the left over melted cheese in the pan with the spaghetti sauce. Now WHO in their right mind would pass this up or throw it out? Just a waste I tell ya, it would be just a waste!!   Considering the last thing I ate was 2 hours ago which consisted of 3 whole carrots and a protein shake I was hungry and had nothing planned.  This is where I face my ultimate delimas.  First of all, Sun, mon and tues I planned everythng, weighed, measured etc and today, just one day I didn't and I feel so guilty.  The other part of this is wanting to live a somewhat normal life and some days not weigh/measure things.  What's a girl to do????

As much as I say I was as accurate as I could be with this today 1467/30/131/159.  Definitely not enough protein but I do not want to drink another shake and be over calories, I;d rather make it up tomorrow in protein and reduce sodium intake the next 2 days and make it a goal to weigh/measure everything so that when Saturday morning rolls around I will not be upset.  Although, I am 1 week before my MS and so this might not rest in my favor......

I know I can't put myself down and I did good so far this week, I was under pressure, and took the most convenient thing instead of making some food so let's turn this into a lesson learned by mistake (10) instead of picking on  things, MAKE A MEAL especially if it's during that time when it's been 3-4 hours, it's time to eat again and I am busy with work etc.  I can make something quick and then just eat it as I go.

Oh, water

I definitely feel like I have to FORCE water down on certain days.  I try, I really do try to drink as much as I can during the day but whatevers.  Today was fantastic!  I had the day off, worked out and then spent the day at the beach before class.  Two people in class mentioned my tan and then I came home and my mom said something too! I love it!  Why?  I just love being tan!  I feel so much better when I am tan, feel like I look way more defined than my pale, Casper days, ugh I do not want to think about that at all.

My eats ended up at 1484/28/127/191.  I finally got better protein from Vitamin Shoppe, the Optimum Nutrition with the isolate before the concentrate.  Woop woop! 

Nothing else really to report except that since Sunday I have been pretty much 99% with accuracy of calories and weight/measurement of things.  I really want to see weight loss this week and I really want to see if this is the reason why I feel as if I am not doing better.  I do not want to get on that stage in October and feel like I could have done better or done things different.  I want to get on that stage knowing I put forth everything I could, that I followed what my trainer told me to do, that I did everything I possibly could to look great and feel great.  I am learning a lot about myself.  So far I have realized that this bigger goal was something I needed to really make me see that I can do anything I put my mind to, I was just being really lazy.  I also see that I can push myself a little harder in my workouts and that I do not need to do as much as I was in the gym to see results.  All of  my results are in the kitchen so I am also learning that food doesn't need to be the highlight of my day.  I am trying to get back to basics and eat to live, not live to eat!!!

Head in the clouds

Today was rather interesting and emotional.  I never tell the emotional aspects though, I keep those to myself.  One could guess rather easily to what they were considering my facebook would give it away.  I got to the beach, got some homework done and so otherwise I am pretty happy with what I accomplished today.  I am also very proud to say that everything I ate today was measured or weighed and it really wasn't that bad.  I wasn't home for the larger part of the day but I was near some one else's protein powder in which I stole 2 scoops from. HA HA.  I bet he will never read this either but THANKS- life saving!  

Ended at 1505/27/129/204- BITCHIN!

I got home and was going to have a chicken salad only to find my 2 heads of lettuce didn't service the freezing of the refrigerator and once they thawed and sat they turned brown.  At this point in my life I am in dire need of about 5453.01 to be stress free of money.  So going to tops to buy food wasn't going to help this situation but I have no food, when I have no food it makes me stress even more to figure out a meal and I definitely didn't want to starve myself knowing how bad that is.  Inserting a rant about that, why do people find it so amazing that they went all day with only eating one meal or could count what they ate on one hand.  I think it's really dumb and you may be losing weight now but come back to me in 6 months and tell me you kept it off because I GUARANTEE you didn't, that is unless you are still only eating one meal a day. /Rant.

I spent my money very wisely and honestly was thinking about what I looked like with everything I bought and the only thing I could come up with was, HEALTHY!  I bought strawberries, apples, lettuce, rice cakes, broccoli,carrots,yellow peppers, yogurt and hummus!  So excited I have good food!  I am very determined to make it a habit of measuring and weight everything.  Tomorrow I have to workout, work then meet my group at school so I definitely need to make sure I bring enough food for the day and measure/weight before I leave!  I want to see that scale at 134 this week!!!!

CHEATER

Today was my first cheat day since I started (May 13th- yes, I am keeping track of all of this).  The beginning part of the day was fantastic.  I got up early, had my coffee and breakfast.  Then I went tanning, bought Autumn her 2 foot long bone, went to walmart to buy more unnecessary things like Sally Hansen Salon Effects (just uploaded a photo for all to see).  Then it was bi's and tri's at the gym.  I must say, I am a lucky girl for being so friendly and knowing a lot of people at the gym.  I had a buddy today that really pushed me and by tomorrow my arms will be useless noodles of nothing.  I can't wait!  Then it was to the Greek Festival with my sister.  We started this tradition last year I believe and I am sure it will continue as long as they keep having them, which why wouldn't they? off of us alone they made over $400. Sick. 

My first bite of this cheat day was the Baklava and it was seriously DELICIOUS.  Granted everything the Greeks make is saturated with butter and some kind of nuts are used with flaky crust but for real, BOMB.  I had some Spanakipita and chicken Slovaki.  I was happy, music playing around me, people dancing, I bought $240 worth of AMAZING art work for my non existent house (whatever, one day I will have one and I will have sweet art work and a desk I learned 445345 life lessons on- more on that later).  As we were leaving I had to eat the other half of my Baklava as I watched the dancers and it's just amazing the heritage we often forget as we are busy living the American-not-so-dream, "Dream"

Work is awesome because I can eat croutons and I get a bunch of tables and make some paper.  I do have to note this one table, middle aged couple, definitely a couple that hasn't been together that long.  They were lively, engaged in convo and playing some sort of game with these small cards.  I kept looking, trying to see, maybe they are lottery tickets?  Maybe lottery tickets from a different place?  Finally I ask..."whatcha guys playin?"  In a- 4th -grade-can -I -play -too -kinda- voice.  Turns out to be some game they bought at a garage sale that was made in the 70's.  Pretty sweet.

Finally I get home and decide to eat some more because I am nowhere near the macros I should be for this cheat day.  How DARE I not use this up!!  Eventually I end out at 1910/56/229/147 and my goal was to get 1910/30/260/150 so mega fail.  Why? Well (1) definitely NOT accurate, according to my daily plate I ate 60 croutonss, about 1.5 cups of cereal, a piece of 200 calorie Baklava (which sadly enough is probably closer to the truth than the croutons) and some other random shit that I can't say I measured, weighed or even cared.  I lost one pound this week and even though I know I should feel proud, it definitely set the "annoyance" stage all day.  

Then I decide it's time to do my nails, so I read the directions and follow them one by one.  HEY MOM! THIS IS WHERE YOU NEED TO START READING--Onto step number 5 where I need to use nail polish remover to make sure they are clean.  So, dumb ass Talia sets the opened nail polish bottle on my $1000 desk that I just ruined the other day and knock it the fuck over who knows how.  Ruined, spots, splashes, and now covered with my frog pen organizer and daily planner.  Seriously that just killed me.  If anything else, I could handle the one pound loss, I could handle fucking up my first cheat day, I could even handle the table that ordered to go and then wanted to dine in but FOR REAL?  I can honestly say now I know why my parents always said shit about having nice things.  UGH.  Lesson learned?  Finally?  I mean first I fuck up and get nail POLISH on the desk thinking to myself "thank god that wasn't remover, holy shit it would have been a disaster"  So don't you think it would have been wise of me to NEVER, EVER do anything with nail ANYTHING near or around my desk? Nope, because yet again Talia has to learn by making the mistake first.  ** This is where life lesson is learned** Typical.  I don't even want to see what it will look like in the daylight and I don't even want to to hear comments from the mom peanut gallery.  Hint hint.

Let's see, can we make a mistake out of today?  I am sure of it..umm 

Mistake (9) on cheat days seriously think about what it is I am craving or have been craving and learn from mistake number 8 and measure/weigh.  I do not think that just because it's a cheat day means I can go balls to the walls, eat everything I want and not measure/weigh it.  That's pretty much it.  I am taking tomorrow off from training because I am learning from mistake number (6).  I get to see my child Autumn along with my ex which should be really interesting but I am stoked, my nails looks killer, all I have to do is make sure I look good and just keep smiling. LOL!!!

Early Morning Rant

Weigh in this morning.  My hearty was pounding before I stepped on, I never knew something like this could cause so much fear.  My only thoughts were; "PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE, 1 pound at least"  Well I got that, I am not at 135 which I have really mixed feelings about, hence the 8:22am rant.  I know I have worked for that 1 pound but I also know I clearly didn't work hard enough or I would have been more excited to see that I am still losing.  I actually already know why I don't feel as excited, because I know I could have done better.  My biggest issue is eating without measuring/weighing.  I know this should be and needs to be done to account for EVER single piece of food that goes into my mouth but sometimes it's just not possible and other times I do not feel like answers 60 questions or returning weird looks.

Today is my cheat day, I am going to the Greek Festival with my sister and I am going to enjoy it!  I will be as accurate as I can with what I eat and move onward with my deficit.  In reflecting back the week there were a few times when I mindlessly ate nuts or cereal without tracking etc and so I need to make a CONSCIOUS effort to measure/weigh everything before hand.  I really hate planning out my whole days worth of food but looks like I need to try it for this coming week.  I also need to roll up my quarters so I can buy some healthy foods.  Sounds awful doesn't it?  Well I am trying NOT to use my credit cards, CASH only.

Lots to do today so PeAce*

Mistake 7 and 8....

CRAP. It's 3pm and it looks like I am going to be living on chicken and water for the rest of the day.  Awesome. LMFAO. So what is mistake (7)?  Do not eat the nuts!  I gave up peanut butter bc of the amount of fat and calories I was consuming so now, I must include ALL nuts unless they are in 100 calorie packs.  I guess I should also add Mistake (8) Do not mindlessly eat without measuring things bc I will most certainly be over in one of my macros.  Tomorrow is my cheat day so I am going to not let this ruin me.  So why did this happen?  Well because I am poor and have no money to buy food to bring to work.  I was planning on ordering something but didn't want to spend the money I wasn't making.  Seriously, I walked out with 20 bucks and I will probably be spending that on chicken tonight after work.  Oh well, nothing I can do now but learn from this.  This is all a big learning experience isn't it?

Sodium INVASION

I really need to chillax on the sodium intake tomorrow considering my weigh in is Saturday morning.  I am scared, not going to lie, I do not want to be disappointed, I haven't hopped on that evil thing since earlier this week.  Considering I have to get up at the ass crack of dawn to do my workout before work I am going to try and not eat a ton of carbs in the morning.  I also just need to focus, but I would really love to eat a sandwich.

Not much else to report on, I had a few grazing experiences today with cereal but I tracked it.  I know I didn't consume that much so whatever.  I am just glad that I didn't eat the whole box in one sitting.  Pretty sure I have accomplished that before.  No one even has a clue as to how much I can consume in  a day!  If I was a male I would have NO TROUBLE putting on weight!  Wouldn't that be nice, yes, it would be.  

End totals at 1503/29/137/185

Carb Anxiety

Is it bad that sometimes I just want to go to bed so that I can wake up and eat carbs?  For real, I want some carbs so bad right now, bread, would be my number one choice I think.  I was craving candy today too, trainer said he wouldn't recommend it, well jeepers just say NO.  I really think this part of my path has been the hardest.  Like I said in my last post, if I was on my own I definitely would have given in to the carb monster and then felt bad and then over exercised tomorrow.  Well that will NOT happen!  Let's try some positive self talk.  Talia, you CAN do this!  You have been doing so well!  Do NOT go into the computer room and open the cupboard because you will only make it that much worse knowing you can't have anything.  I am doing this to change habits and make myself stronger INSIDE just as much as out.  If I know I could just easily have binged already then I should feel quite proud of myself for not giving in and suppressing those thoughts.  Isn't this what you wanted, Talia? Yes, it is.  

Phew, that was tough.  I think it has passed.  I was talking to a friend who is also competing and just discussing progress and seeing results and venting on here got me through! I just keep reminding  myself how BOMB I am going to look!  This is only the first month and I am learning a lot, definitely learning that I can push myself further than I think.  I did legs today and had an AWESOME workout because I pushed myself.  So for real I need to stop pussyfootin around and get some reading done but today ended at 1501/32/133/183.  I know I am not perfect and I still have feelings of guilt for not being 100% but I also know that I am TRYING and I AM pushing myself to not fall into the same habits and screw things up.  As long as I am good the next 2 days and weigh in less than last week I will be happy!  Going to make these last 2 days count, especially with sodium!  I was at 2500 today! That ish needs to be WAY lower!!