It's no one else's fault but my own

135 today, yup, a 5 pound gain in a week.  Really? If I wasn't frustrated before, I am now.  Well, I WAS when I saw that.  Honestly, I think throughout this whole time I have been trying to prove something that I will never be able to prove.  What am I trying to prove? that I can get results while eating with no strict eating  Regine,   Let me explain.  When I first started this, working out, no big deal, I can lift until the sun goes down and have no problems, but when it comes to nutrition I think I can make up my own rules and be more free falling that I really need to be.  I try to get away with not planning and just going with the flow of the day.  I don't measure/weigh things sometimes, or I think I am over estimating when in reality I am under-estimating.  This..is not working.  I am not doing something that humans do in their normal everyday life.  Other than myself and the people in my facebook world, I only know of 2 other people that are into doing shows and competing.  So no, this is not normal behavior and why? because it's not easy and this I am learning.

Last week I was at 130, and today I weighed in at 135.  5 pounds because I binged for 2 days, I didn't track those 2 days, I ate too much fat a few days and I didn't properly weight, measure, portion and plan everything.  I didn't want to be a robot and I just feel like doing all of those things will turn me into a robot that eats the same things day in and day out because I have no time to cook myself different meals everyday for every meal.  Maybe you might think at this point then maybe this isn't for you? I honestly don't think that is the case.  I know that eating healthy makes me feel good, makes me look good and makes me leaner and healthier so why is it that I can't accept the fact that in order to do this I have to take these necessary steps to get to where I have always wanted to be AND be able to walk across a stage and pose my results from it?  My original goal for this whole journey remember, was to change my eating habits.  Have I done this?  To an extent, but I haven't quite gotten there.  I started this whole thing in May and it's basically August so can I really change habits I have had for over 10 years in 3 months?  I don't think so but I know I am trying.  I also feel like as much as I want to be successful I am failing.  That's just a feeling right now because I am frustrated at myself but I know I need to move on and recognize what needs to change permanently.  Planning, measuring, weighing, portioning.  Let's look at it this way, if we all did this stuff from the time we learned how to cook or make ourselves a sandwich it wouldn't be so hard.  If we didn't have all of this processed junk it wouldn't be an issue.

Anyways, I can go off on this tangent for hours but I need to get to the gym and get this test over with.  I am banking on a great day, I have planned everything out and will adhere to it all day.

Have a great day!

You know you are competing when...

--you take a scale to your boyfriends house for a saturday morning weigh-in

--you take a 10lb dumbbell to make sure the scale is zeroed

--your passenger while driving is a huge jug of protein powder

--you can't wait to go to bed so you can finally eat again upon rising

I think I may start a list like this because those are some great ones, are they not?  Last day of classes was today for me! So flippin pumped! I do have 2 more online exams, one this weekend and then a few weeks from now but that's childs play.  Listen to lectures, take some notes, done.  I can FINALLY have a life for a few weeks and unfortunately I am going to have to pick up some night shifts because I need some CASH! 

I am extremely grateful that my stress level has already plummeted to the floor after stepping outside of that classroom and yes-I absolutely screamed and jumped for joy immediately as I entered the hall-way.  I must say though, that my Professors were amazing and I hope to stay in contact with them through my future endeavors. Two more years to go!  I will get there and I plan on being successful even if there are articles on how little Social Workers make.

Back to my training- lately I have done some lifting sessions in the am and pm cardio sessions.  I can't stand working out at night though, it makes me really irritated bc I know if I do it in the morning it's out of the way and done with.  I LOVE working out I just don't love doing it at night.  Night is my ritual facebook time :) Training has been going well and eating has been a little crazy lately.  I am working on getting my measurements in to get my bikini and hoping to start learning how to pose and walk during this little break from school!  I am really excited!  I know at this point nutrition is my biggest obstacle and I am determined to post up pics in less than 30 days showing more changes, leaner and more defined!  I know I have a lot of people rooting for me and I really just love how I am starting to feel and get excited when I see changes I just need to learn how to handle my food intake a little bit better!  Other than that, I am really happy in life!  I have a great boyfriend, great friends, great family and life is good :)

Protein head!

This picture is AWESOME!! I feel like this represents me to a tee!  I have been super stressed out lately.  Monday I spent about 9 hours in the library writing 2 papers for these last 2 classes this week.  Over the weekend I spent most of it eating foods that shouldn't even touch my fingers and for 2 days after my stomach was so ruined I thought I might have a digestive problem.  I must add a mistake (13) that states not to even think that I can eat 1 shitty food category without going into another, it just doesn't happen, it always leads to an excessive amount.  As I sit here and ponder this, I think about the many websites I could go to that have recipes for things like healthy/protein infested cookies and such, so why don't I start doing that?  Why don't I, if I have a craing for something sweet bake something for God's sake? Or cook a healthy version of a pizza or something?  I need to figure out a different path because allowing myself to eat a piece of cake or some ice cream or whatever else is causing me to look like a rabid animal lost in the middle of the suburbs in broad day light!

Another major issue I have been having is-in the words of Limp Bizkit- the he said, she said bullshit.  Let me tell you something.  I am 27 years old.  I have experienced a lot on life.  I have been in trouble, I have been the victim, I have been the perpetrator, I have talked shit, I have stood up, I have watched, I have listened, I have loved, I have lost, but most importantly I learn from my OWN mistakes not anyone else's.  I have never had to deal with such excess anxiety because of other people, well ok, that's probably a lie but not anytime recent in my life and so this is really aggravating.  My solution? Unfriend. Block. I know people will always speak their opinions whether or not others agree, people will always try to be right even when they aren't and people will always try to be persuasive when they have no business doing so.  Let me live my own life.  Let me make my own mistakes. Yes, I do apprecaite honesty, yes I do appreciate when people do not beat around the bush and tell me like it is but when it comes to decisions that have to be my own, let me make them and if I made a mistake, then that's life.

My competition journey has nothing to do with this, BTW.  I have an amazing trainer that although I am slightly afraid of, bc when he's ignoring me it usually means he is mad at me and cooling off before he says anything he regrets.  The other day when I was at the library, I was sitting there, trying to put these papers together, thinking about how annoyed I was and how much I wanted to just go home and eat some chips and then some cookies and then some pizza.  My brain is so confused when it gets in that "binge" mode.  I really still don't understand it and it's sad that I am still doing it :(  Al I know is that I am getting closer to this competition and I need to move forward, not dwell on things and keep positive.  This is my first comp and I want to give it my all, I know I have made some serious mistakes on the way but I never expected to be perfect.  By the end of the week I should be sending my measurements out to get my bikini!! I am soooo excited! 

Have a great day everyone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Don't hate me

I am about to admit something some people will not like hearing but I feel as if this blog has been pure honesty this whole ride through and I can't hide things now.  I wanted this journal to be as real as possible, to allow my readers to experience what I am experiencing and express how difficult this journey really is.  I ate bad all weekend.  I am not going to sit here and explain everything, I didn't track anything so I have no prof of anything nor do I even want to do bc I woke up with such a stomach ache this morning that working out is the only thing I want to do right now.  The reason I didn't want to admit it is because I know people will always give you the "you should know better" "your not going to be able to compete if you keep this shit up" and all other comments that could be said but you know what?  For me, it's all about learning and I can't avoid making mistake, I am human and I WILL fuck up a bunch of times and granted over eating is something I still haven't quite grasped on why I allow myself to do it but this wicked stomach ache is definitely a reminder on how gross I am going to feel until I kick this shit and start eating clean.

I also must say that my worries over my new man not understanding what I am trying to do have passed and it has turned out to be something quite the opposite.  I do believe I am rubbing off on him and last night he told me that he is going to un-freeze his gym membership and start lifting again because it wasn't until he met me that he really started to think about it more! I am soooo excited! AND he wants me to go with him so we are designating Sundays as our workout day together!  How friggin excited am I??! SOOOO excited!!!!!!!

Ok, well I feel better admitting to my wrongs this weekend but it's done with and over and today is a new day and I have a passport to apply for, and a workout to get to!!! Have a great day!

Holy macro change!!!!!!!!

Obviously these are the photos from my 90 day out photo shoot and tomorrow...well sorta today, ok when I wake up I start a 1350/34/91/169 instead of 1575/30/130/189.  The hardest parts of this will definitely be the calories and the carbs.  This is a whole different ball game but I AM ready!  Unfort I am going to be pretty busy this week finishing up this stressful summer semester but I am going to try and post as much as I can!  Have a happy day!

90 days out!!!!!

I can't believe I am already in my last 3 months before the competition!  I spent all last night looking at bikini's,saving websites and making connections.  I will tell you this, there are A LOT of people just on facebook alone that are willing to help and support and I can't express how much I appreciate that.  This is my first competition and to be honest, I'm starting to get scared.  I was texting my trainer last night asking him, if I hit it 100% the next 90 days I will be ready, right?  I really have to be spot on and I know that is going to come from planning, measuring, weighing, etc.  The past few days I have taken trips to tops in the morning or night for that day or the following day.  Considering I am going to be with Nicole all day Saturday I purchased a few protein bars to make life simple.  

Another thing I started to think of yesterday, as Vicki sort of implanted in my brain, that when I am getting cravings or want to eat something off plan, what is my competition girl doing?  Did she just cook herself some chicken and veggies?  How far along is SHE?  That alone is going to motivate me to get my ass moving and stick to the plan.  No one else is going to do this for me, I don't get to walk across that stage with someone holding my hand explaining why I don't look fabulous.  I can honesty say that under the circumstances I have done about 90% so far and that needs to jump to 110%.  Everyone knows what I am doing, everyone knows I weigh my food and measure it but sometimes I still do get anxiety thinking someone is watching and judging, it's humanity, right? I know what I want though, and I want to look so amazing on that stage and this next 90 days is going to be absolutely CRUCIAL I know.  So let's make a shout out to everyone in my life who will have to put up with me from here on out.  I do not want to make food the center of my life especially with the end of the semester stuff coming up and so I have learned that planning everything takes that edge off.  

Progress pictures will be taken tomorrow morning at the gym with the same suit in the same gym shower area and  I am really hoping there are some changes.  At this point I plan on doing them every 30 days, so 90, 60, 30 and the day of!  Have a fab day!!

Summer school stressin'

FITSPO today is compliments of Melissa Le Man!  You look AMAZING girl and you are such an inspiration!!! One of this days I can be my own FITSPO!

So last night I started stressin hard core over this semester.  Trying to complete a Power Point without the final version, no one is sending me the updated version, some of the documents are missing, a publisher document can't be inserted into a Power Point document and I still have two 8 page papers to write and 2 online tests to take in which I have not even started listening to the lectures and I am not going to be home all day Thursday, Friday or Saturday.  For real, insert every swear word you know::here::  So what happened?  I started stressin and started eating dry cereal so now I was way over my carbs, inacurrate and went to bed early so I no longer had to thing about anything from the paragraph that I just typed

Life is so busy right now, 2 jobs, 3 classes, new relationship (which I am really excited about) and I am pretty good at making it all work but right now I am just super stressed because I know I am going to have to give up some shifts to finish up all of these papers and that really blows because I need money  :(   Anyone who knows me knows how stressed I get over money and with all this credit debt, which half isn't even mine, I can't really afford to take time off but I want "A's" so that is my only option.  I know I am getting much better at recognizing when my stress is here and getting to be a problem but what I am not doing is stopping the association that when I get stressed I need to eat to fill some sort of void, but what is that void exactly?  I think it's just a habit and since there is no food in our house, cereal it was.  I am starting to think I really need to get some protein bars for times like these, I should have just made a shake but I didn't want that.

Anyways, today is going to be another long day and all I can think about is seeing my boyfriend which won't happen until Friday ;/  I need to get off of here and go to the grocery store so I can get some snacks for work today!  I am determined!!!!!!! cya bitches

Sticky icky icky

So humid out and right now all I want to do is finishing my daily online addiction, get to the gym and hit the weights and cardio HARD!  I never went food shopping last night because I made a pit stop to my BOYFRIENDS apartment :)  Boyfriend. Geez. I love it!   Anyways my macros were over again yesterday and so I really need to do better today and get some food after work tonight so I am not scrambling the rest of the week/weekend.  Saturday I am going to a Graduation party with my bestie and she said they are having chicken so I am not worried about it.  I am getting to the point now where I need to start realizing that binging/pigging out isn't going to get me anywhere.  Not going to lie, yesterday while I was at Applebee's I snuck some apple pic crumbles...god damn it I suck..but damn were they delicious! 1680/37/123/208 without adding in those crumbles because I have no idea what to add them as?  Today I just want to under eat but I do not think that is what I should be doing.  Another thing I noticed is the seriousness of underestimating calories when you do not have any way of knowing how to track it until the end of the day. 

My goal for today is to get food , that's it. Simple and can be accomplished after work.  I also need to start writing my last papers and finish the powerpoint for our project.  I have a feeling I'm going to be up late.  I really can not wait for this semester to be over.  I really need some time to just breathe.

Last night I came home and had to explain a facebook situation about how Taylor can't change or delete certain things on his bc he doesn't have a desktop/laptop and I got so absolutely frustrated that she was making assumptions over him already.  I get it.  He's a gorgeous guy, hes sexy, very attractive and its not just that but he has a fantastic personality and I could go on and on but he has a  lot of female friends and thats fine but there are some lingering ex photos he was tagged in and since he can't access them from his phone he can't change them yet.  Unreal. I get so excited when I am around him, he makes me happy, my intuition tells me this is right.  I do not just go around getting into relationships left and right it's just not something I do, it's just not.  Let me figure it out on my own, isn't that how we learn??

There's a scale issue.  I am not going to be home saturday morning to weigh myself under the same circumstances I normally would and I am not giving up spending a night with my boyfriend just to weigh in so it looks like I will be taking the scale with me and it also looks like I better make sure I am 100% accurate so that I will be happy that morning! LMAO god damn that dreaded scale, it's bad enough I get anxiety getting on at my own house and now I have to be at my boyfriends.  Oh well, it doesn't really bother me, he knows what I am doing and he knows about my competition and he supports me and I even think I might rub off on him a little bit with the whole working out thing :)

Let's see, what else do I need to talk about? Eh, nothing.  Have a great day everyone!! I am hittin that gym hard today! BIOTCH!

Taco meat at 7:30am

yes, seriously, I did just eat that less than 20 minutes ago along with a bunch of other random shit because there is nothing to eat.  I am currently sitting here typing this and thinking I better get shit ready to go but I can't seem to move.  It's hot as balls out and everything seems to be sticking together. gross.  I am really excited about a few things today.  First, after 3 days off I am getting my ass back into that gym and killin it!  My macros the past few days have been really up and down considering the other reason I am really excited about, being in a new relationship.  Scary, seriously who am I?  I pretty much swore off all man-kind and wanted to devote my life to being single but ever since I met this guy, I guess I can put his name in here now, Taylor, life has been great and I can't let him pass me by.  I'm not going to lie though, I want it to work so bad that I find myself doing things way different than in the past, but I supposed that's a good thing, right? That's why we have a past..to learn from it.

OMG SOMETHING MAGICAL JUST HAPPENED..my dad gave me my pay! I can buy food!!!!!  ::angel voices break out over my head::  ok, re-focus...so...I am pretty sure I left off at Sunday where my macros ended up being 1150/19/109/131 let's just say that night I got home at 3 am :)  Yesterday when I got home I was super hungry and so I decided to eat some taco beef at midnight along with some mozzarella cheese, are we seeing a pattern here with this damn beef?!  Anyways I was so sure I wasn't going to kill my macros but ended up at  1644/41/119/190 sorry Trainer!  Better job at this the rest of the week

Aight, for real, I can't even sit here anymore, my brain is in like 6 different places.  Let's sum it up.  Getting fired up at the gym today, working to make that paper, then class which hopefully doesn't last until the very bitter end.,.,

Sweat Sparkles

First I would like to make a shout-out to this website; http://sweatsparkles.tumblr.com/ for providing all of my FITSPO pictures.  Thank you to whoever you are!!!  :)  

Unfortunately I am not going to be able to workout today, let me explain.  I was up extremely late last night, and didn't wander home until around 3 am, but it was TOTALLY worth it! No, I wasn't out at the bars, No, I wasn't shit faced, completely sober and loving life!!! Needless to say though I woke up when my alarm went off and said to myself "yea right"  SNOOZE x10.  Lucky me, I gave away my shift to get to the library and finish this damn project.  I am seriously ok with that though because the sun is not shining and I do not feel as if I am missing out an anything today. 

Another reason I will not have time is because as soon as I finish this blog for all of my wonderful followers, ::takes a bow::  I have to try and get myself to the Erie County Court in DT Buffalo where there are 1 way streets, round-abouts and parking ramps. YIKES!  A combo of three unnecessary stressors in life but I need to get this done so this son-of-a-bitch can realize I am NOT messin around and I want my damn money.  This chicks got credit debt she would like paid off immediately!!!  So wish me luck on that, I printed a map which half assed printed, so I had to draw the streets on it to see them more clearly and I am taking Broadway, the whole way, for 20 miles. JOY.  You know what that means?  Every single red light possible. 

After I accomplish this with hopefully some great advice and satisfaction from the Sheriff's Department, I am headed to get ticks to go see Badfish and Floggin Molly on July 31st!  I can NOT be any more excited about this considering my friend since 2nd grade and her boyfriend are going and I can't even remember the last concert I was at.  Had to be Tom Petty, last summer? Who knows but I am super excited to get my booty shakin!!! Pop,lock it drop it!

Well friends, I must end this lovely blog for today, I need to get my ass in gear so I can have enough time to do all this, get to the library and end the night with someone I consider to be very special  :)

Freshly Baked Bread

I woke up this morning with my heart fluttering around inside my chest thinking about how I will get to see a certain someone today.  Just the thought of it makes me smile and all giddy!  I don't eve know what else to say about it other than the fact that it makes me nervous, he makes me nervous and I enjoy it!  I am scared though, not going to lie.  I was in an extremely long term relationship before this and I swore off anything in regards to relationships after that, branding myself single for life.  I first saw him on a Wednesday and I never felt so compelled in my life knowing I HAD to know someone.  He came back the next day, I gave him my number and ever since we started talking he has changed my world.....He has his suspicions because of previous lovers and I have mine but I want this to be different and it already is.  The thought of telling him now is not the right time is not an option, I can't let him get away and that is one of the reasons how I know this feels right, even though I am scared I can't let something go that could end up being great!

The other thing that tickles my fancy is fresh bread that my dad baked last night. OMG so good! I can't take how good it is! I could eat it all day long but I know I shall not do that.

Today my plan is to get all of my facebooking and pussin-footin done so I can type up my paper and get as much done as possible so that tomorrow I have more time to work on the power point and get all of my errands done and complete my workout so that I can take the weekend off from lifting.  Wow that was a run on sentence for sure! Going to get the boy as soon as he texts me that he's out of his class and then heading to the Bee to meet up with people and hit the Middleport drive-in!  This will be the first time being with him that I will have all of my meals with me.  We are planning on going to the Diner, and I will not be eating, because I will have already eaten my meal.  I have not yet planned it all out yet because I have run out of protein choices so if worst comes to work I think I can get a chicken sandwich and 86 the bread and side, no biggie there. Anyways, I better get moving, get some more coffee and get this "A" paper done!  :)  Have a wonderful day everyone!!!

Leave the pain behind you

Seriously, this is the PERFECT Fitspo for me today!  I set my alarm for 6 and snoozed until 715..FUCK.  Already pissed off bc (1) I am still bleeding from my crotch and (2) now I do not have enough time to lift AND run. FUCK.  I settle on knowing I will just be lifting and I guess I half assed allow it to be just that, as I look back on the day, I am lucky I had enough time to do that, I could have way over slept and missed work. ::GASP:: that woulda been horrific, not really.  

Today was arms, so bis and tris and one of the trainers comes over to me, he is a friend so if you read this, sorry but this is MY blog and I can say what I want bc I'm an adult.  He was asking me questions and critiquing me, questioning me on why I wasn't or am not doing heavier lifting, compound exercises, plyos, etc telling me that doing kickbacks (which I wasn't even doing) won't get me anywhere.  Personally, for someone who has had a lot of issues with body image, diet, etc.  I have come a long way so far in these past few months alone.  I may have had a few set backs with binging and not eating so well but I have picked myself back up and if I compare my facebook picture to one of me in Florida 2 months ago, I am definitely leaner.  I trust my trainer to lead me into the right direction, I feel confident and I do not want anyone to drag me down, I do a good job of that on my own. 

I worked at the Bee's for my first shift then at my family place for my second shift and I couldn't help but be extremely irritated all day long.  Definitely started with waking up late, add in some twisting of the thoughts due to the period and you have one annoyed little italian chic.  Not a good combo.  So I texted my buddy Chelsea and she made me realize that although I was annoyed, it was early, that I will shake it and basically not to waste the whole day.  I tried as hard as I could and I did accomplish it.  On the way to the gym, I cried.  Yup, I just put on some sad music and cried.  What? that's not weird, right? Whatever, I needed to cry so I did and so I was totally thankful for the 30 minute drive this morning listening to Donna the Buffalo :)  

Fast forward to my interval sprints at the track..my mom went with me and she walked while I did this.  20 minutes, 15 seconds as hard as I could go without tripping over myself and 45 seconds of walking. WAY different than the treadmill, for real I think all of the world knows this but I haven't been working out outside all that much.  Reason being?  I spend my workouts in the gym, I don't split them.  Tonight though it was the best workout EVER and was EXACTLY what I needed to get out that pent up frustration and annoyance from the day.  I hit it as hard as I could, I pushed myself and even right before the last interval sprint I scrolled through my head all of the people that would be cheering me on..CHELSEA ESPECIALLY, and I pushed through.  I was winded, I was aching, but I felt GREAT!  Got to talk to the new boy later on, made me happy, fixed some of my twisted thoughts, got some homework done and now I need to go to bed because I want to wash and vacuum out my car tomorrow~WHAT? yes, wash and vacuum my car.  I never ever do this because, well, it's a lease, Nissan owns it, will always own it and I just don't care as much about it as I did with my little red ZX2!!

Ended the day well with calories, as I was sitting here doing my school work I did get hungry but managed to suck it up and fend it off because I was already at my allotted.  1557/26/140/196.

Tomorrow is my weigh in..please please please be at least back to 131!!!

100 days out!!

I am so proud of myself today and immediately have to thank Chelsea Marie AGAIN for helping me right at the end!  So from the beginning, I went to the court, killed my shoulders at the gym and then went to the beach with my friend and brought my cooler.  I was so proud that I packed everything and planned it all out, I actually got to lay there, got a tan and although I brought my school work and managed to read 2 short articles I needed to just relax.  Went to school and like seriously 3/4 of the way through I was getting seriously slap happy.  Everything was making me laugh, I just wanted to get outta there!  

I was driving back home, and then my mind started to wander.  I have my period and therefore that's grounds for thought twisting and comment twisting of things people have said to me all day.  I panicked, well not really because a serious panic attack would cause me to die in an accident so I texted Chelsea and told her HURRY! I need something positive right now!  She was back at me in minutes and it settled me.  My mind jumps, it causes me to worry very easily and it also causes me to jump to conclusions faster than one could imagine.  I want to be happy, I want to be successful, and sometimes these negative thoughts are exactly what cause me to binge or turn to food so I knew I needed to hit up the grocery store for some chicken and then realized I needed other things for the morning and snacks.  I am so grateful to have such great people in my life even if they are hundreds of miles away!!! 

My macros ended at 1574/29/116/209  BOOYAH!!!!  Can't wait to kill it tomorrow!!!!!

Times up motha-fucka!

Good Morning!  Excited to have the morning off, going to hit the gym hard (shoulders today) and then layin on the beach.  I can't wait to get some sun!  Unfortunately I need to bring school work with me but that's ok, gotta do what you gotta do.  Yesterday ended up perfect; eating, life, boy :)  I really am starting to fall for him, mixed emotions about that, but it just feels right.  Anyways, enough about that..

Although I did well with eating it was really tough to go 3 hours between meals while I was at work.  I had my breakfast at 8 then my post workout at 12 and then another snack at 3 but by 2pm I was really bored and really hungry.  I held out and it worked and then I was supposed to eat again at 6 but got SUPER busy at my family place.  6 top, 4 top, 2, top, 6 top, 2 top FUCK!  I was the cook/server/dishwasher and it was only my sister and I.  So this is what I did, I had a piece of chicken to be my last meal and my 6pm meal was going to be a greens salad with tuna so I just swapped them.  I knew it would be easier to eat the already cooked chicken I had than it would be to make the salad and I didn't want to skip a meal.  I ended up making the salad as I was cleaning up because apparently the last table to leave (the 6 top) thought it was their camp site and wouldn't go home!!!

Today I am hitting the beach and have pretty much planned out all of my meals except for my last one.  I need to go get some protein powder, I am having trouble figuring things out right now.  I felt hungrier yesterday with the meals I had, not sure why.  The best thing about today is I will be nowhere near food and so what I bring is what I eat, I won't be tempted by the world!!

I better quit pussyfootin' I need to go to the court and tell them this mother-f-er hasn't paid me yet!  Time to garnish your wages!!!  Have an awesome day! 

Feelin great!

Look at THAT body!!!  Motivation for sure!!I am soooo happy this morning, obviously b/c tonight I get to see a special someone.  Seriously I just have to be really lame right now and say that he makes me smile even at the crack of dawn when I wake up and read his texts saying Good Morning Beautiful, take note guys, this is one way (out of many) you can win us over, well me anyways.  Why?  Not just bc he is calling me beautiful before 7am but the fact that he is thinking about me that early :) come on, its the underlying meaning not just the superficial, jeepers, I may be doing a body competition but I'm not THAT shallow! :)

I started the morning with 4 egg whties, 6oz mushrooms, 3 slices watermelon, 1 rice cake and a scoop of whey with some coffee!! yippie! flyin high! Planned meals are:

12- 1.5 protein powder, 1 orange, 3 oz carrots and 1 tbsp ranch

3- 1.5 whey, 2 cups snow peas and 2 rice cakes

6- 1 can low sodium tuna, lettuce, tomato and garbanzo bean salad with most likely either lemon juice dressing or red wine vinegar

9- 4 oz chicken

I did this last night before bed and I feel like I am going to have the most trouble with the 6pm meal bc I will be at work in Alden and usually not that busy on Wednesdays, so...I will have to tough it out!  I know I can do it!

I also found the heels I will probably get..it's hard to tell, but I think they will work.  Personally, I do not feel like I would be confident wearing anything without the straps bc I would be too afraid they were going to slip off or something and the detail on the buckle isn't too distracting.

Well I better get my ass off of this internet, so damn addicting!  Off to go tanning then to the gym and then to work!  Have a great day!!!

Follow your gut!!

Good Morning!!! I want to start my blog explaining how awesome I did yesterday.  I took the time in the morning to plan everything out, all of my meals, measure everything, portion everything and I ended the day at 1506/27/131/183 not perfect but definitely really awesome on the meals aspect.  I worked out in the evening with a friend after I was done at the library.  We always have a blast when we hit the gym together!! So we get done working out at like 1030 and Wegman's is out next stop.  Now I had PLANNED on eating some sort of already cooked chicken that they usually have in their market cafe but unbeknownst to me, there was NONE! I immediately get angry tell Nicole I am buying my things and leaving.  I think,now what the hell am I gonna do? I have one meal of protein left, I don't want powder and I don't want to be up until midnight cooking friggin chicken. So, what did I do?  Something so ridiculous if you were someone random coming into Wegman's to food shop you would be shocked and confused as to why there was some girl eating tuna out of a can with a plastic spoon!  All I can say is I LOVE WEGMAN'S for having the market cafe because it provided me with a utensil to eat this tuna! That was all it took, I was happy and headed home!

Today I have a full day, hitting the gym soon, work 12-430 then class from 530-930 and I have my meals planned and ready to go, well almost just have to weigh a few more things out and I will end the day at 1567/30/126/192.  Planning really does go a long way!  It's annoying, yes but as long as I do it each day and try not to get ahead of myself I will be fine.  The weekend will be the hardest but I know that's something I need to overcome especially if I want to get on stage!! Have a fantastic day everyone!!

Pure fitness talk!

Good Morning!! Woke up early, but then went back to bed.  I checked to see if my trainer sent me my new workouts for the month but he didn't yet and since I have nothing going on tonight other than the library my plan is to workout after that.  I was really tired from being out later than nornal last night so I slept a little more.  Although, my dad was working out in the basement (GO DAD!) and the dogs always act annoying when they can't see or be near him so they kept bothering me.  Anyways, I finally got up and started cooking breakfast and planning my meals for the day.  I had my trainer break down macros for each meal and so this is making it a little easier, it will be less difficult if I had enough food so I am glad I had enough time to sit down and log it all in to figure it out.  Annoying, yes but this is one less thing I have to worry about today.  I look at it this way, by planning my meals I do not have to ponder when I will eat, what I will eat and whether or not I will go off track.  If I make this magnificent effort to follow the plan I know I will see results.  

I know I am no where near perfect but my trainer explaining to me that he doesn't want to be sitting across from me 2 weeks from the show telling me I am not ready.  I am not putting myself through all of this and then not be able to do it.  I am really determined to get these meals planned out everyday and just take it day by day.  I know I have to buy more food, looks like as I was planning I am going to need more veggies to fill the carbs, possibly get some nuts to fill the fat, if I can fathom it maybe, just maybe I will get a jar of peanut butter and then spread it on some rice cakes?  I want to get creative, I just don't have the time right now.  I know he wants to see me succeed, I want to see myself succeed.

So here's to Monday! Let's be productive!  Let's kill our workouts!!! Let's be healthy and fit for life!!

Worrying (caution-worry seeking advice)

First of all, male advice is welcome.  I would love to hear from a male perspective on how they think I am being....

I am not even going to fitspo because if I look at the pictures it's going to make my cry.  I made this blog to be honest and so that is just what I am going to do.  Before I started writing on here I actually pulled up my old blog and was going to just vent to myself but I thought what good is that going to do?  WHat good is hiding going to do?  So The 4th of July weekend I flew off of my diet, and 1 day I binged.  I do not think it was like a previous binge, ones that I used to have back in the day but not to that extreme.  I picked myself back up and had a great week and today I did it again.  I want to cry, I don't know what is going on with me.  Are my hormones out of whack? Yes.  Am I getting my period soon? Yes, tomorrow starts placebo.  Is there a new person in my life? Yes and I just went over with him how there has to be a catch.  What is wrong with me?  Basically I displayed through text message how worrysome I can be and he steered me away from thinking that like saying you can't focus so much on something that may or may not go wrong because you will miss out on stuff that is right in front of you and you won't know unless you put yourself out there.  GENIUS!  right? I mean seriously.  It's good stuff so why am I making it so hard to accept?  Honestly, I have hurt others, in relationships and I guess it's not only the fear that I will hurt him but that he will hurt me, because let's get real people, karma is a bitch.  I need some serious advice.  I really like this guy, I really like getting to know him, I have fun with him.  On the other side of me, this competition seems to be creeping up on me and I feel like I am panicking about not being ready and obsess over it and then my actions end of being the opposite of what they should be.  Like I am completely aware that I just binged, I know when it started and I know why it continued and I know the situations it was in that it occured and I let it go on.

I thought I was past this.  I thought I was beyond this and I thought I was above this and I am struggling right now.  After I type this I am getting ready for bed, waking up early making breakfast and going for a nice long rollerblade.  I just wish I had my head on right and I really thought I did up until I met him.  He twisted me, he turned me and now I am facing in the opposite direction that I was in before I met him.  I don't want to mess this up.  I honestly never felt like this before and its insane I just don't want him to think I am insane.  I have been ME around him, I haven't been acting different but its the things that come out of me over text that make me look really complicated.  OK so maybe that's it, I am sometimes a little complicated, I over-worry, I over-think and he has said more than once that he is a simple guy.  As I type that I think (HA, that doesn't exist) but maybe he is exactly what I need to make me see like as something short and too short to drastically ponder the what if's the future and the 10 minutes from now.  I have been always wishing to be able to live in the now and maybe this is my chance?  I know I do not want to let something pass me by that is right in front of me, I also do not want to push that away because of my unwillingness to see the world in the now. 

I truly believe everything happens for a reason and this journey really is a learning process.  Right now I feel like I am having an epiphany.  I know I binge, I allow myself to binge, and if I lay it all out and the overstress that has been going on its all about the unknown.  Stressing about the unknown of this competition- will i even be ready?  Stressing about the unknown with this guy, is he for real?  can he really like me this much when I feel the same way too?  Or maybe he doesn't really like me as much as I like him and so then will i be completely crushed when he calls it quits?  I could go on with questions like this for hours.  I was bored at work all night tonight, even right before, I didn't have the greatest of snacks and I WAS hungry, I let myself eat a few things I thought I might be craving and I let it get out of control.

I really need to do what everyone has been telling me to do this whole time and just plan so for tomorrow I planned my breakfast, my snack, my lunch and then I am having dinner at his house.  My goal will to be to plan out everything for each day the day before not a week at a time just a day at a time and do my best.

I need to get to bed I am really excited to rollerblade tomorrow!!!

Moving on

Today for my weigh in I was 133 :(  Really serious bummer but I knew it.  Not going to dwell though, not going to sit here and waste time being upset, I am going to move on and learn.  This time I mean it.  I know I fucked up over the weekend and I know I am getting my period in a few days, so those 2 combos, no bueno.  Day by day I will make it to my next weigh in hopefully seeing myself back to 131!  In tracking my weight I was 133 right before my last period too and then I lost after that because I stayed consistent.  So I just need to make sure I keep my head in the game, don't let any one or anything throw me off and kill it!!

Shoop ba doop!

Writing this now because I have to get up at the ass crack of dawn to get this killer shoulder workout in.  I am sorta dreading it but breading its length, loving the fact that I am gonna get an awesome workout in!  Tomorrow marks the last day before I have to weigh in and I'm not going to bullshit I do not think I lost, if anything I am pretty sure the scale will be up because of this past weekend and my period.  Not gonna dwell, don't work hard in the kitchen, not gonna show on the scale.  People need to understand it has to be both, yes, including MYSELF!  I ended today with 1563/32/124/185 and all of my water.  I also need to start bloggin about that too.  Yesturday was actually 1557/23/147/189 because I forgot to log some broccoli hahah.  Today went relatively well, I did go a little long without eating from when I left applebees at around 4 to until I went food shopping and ate some rice cakes on the way home.  Then I got home and had some protein powder.  I have decided that starting tomorrow I am going to take fish oil again and hopefully in 2 months I will see a change back to where my hair and nails used to be.  I can't imagine it would take that long?  I was taking them for awhile and have only stopped for 2 months.  I ate my nails right now, I have to keep cutting them because they are so brittle and crack in dumb spots and then I have like 10 different lengths.  Not sexy at all.


I don't think I will be doing much tomorrow night except chillin over at my sisters house and I finally went food shopping tonight so I have a few thigns to keep me until I start running out again.  I also really want to make some of this stuff I have been seeing my friend kristin make.  Well she shows me the websites and I say, wow that looks really good and I should make it but I never do.  I am still learning that I need to plan, that I need to cook that I need to do many things but I also am a realist.  This means I know I am not perfect, I need to accept my imperfections, accept the times I have gone astray from my diet but be happy that I can pull myself back up by realizing that continuing the cycle will never get me anywhere.  When that scale says 133 or even god forbid any higher than that it will just prove that I can't have my cake and eat it too.  I am counting down the days and as I just said that and just typed that I realize I don't want to count them down, I want to make them count!  I don't want to make the time go by fast..I want to enjoy everyday to it's fullest!


Looking forward but also dreading this shoulder workout tomorrow.  I looked at it while I was doing legs today and I said under my breath, a little f-you to my trainer.  It's gonna be super tough but I am looking forward to killing it!  I am also looking forward to going into my 9th week.  Wondering what my trainer will tweet for my workouts and I am kinda hoping my diet changes a little.  I'm not gonna lie I think I need to get real, get serious and crack  down that whip!  Hope everyone has a FIT-TASTIC day!!

I spilled the beans

Literally, I spilled the remains of the coffee grounds all over the floor, probably about oh I don't know, 3 tbsp worth.  Upset?  Well yes because the last of the full caffine coffee was all over the floor!  My dad drinks half calf and I wasn't feelin that!  Make shift breakfast this morning too.  I do not have any food, tragedy, this is what gets me in trouble but I found some frozen turkey burgers and cooked a few of those up, had some strawberries and rice cakes too.  For my post workout it will be the other turkey burger, some protein powder and some baby carrots.  The rest of it I am not sure but I will definitely be lugging my jar of protein around.  I had it in my passenger seat yesterday and the new boy saw it, haha, at first I said that's embarassing but then I said no.  I gotta do what I gotta do at this point!  I am really glad that I picked myself back up and got right back on track with eating better.  I know abs are made in the kitchen and I need to keep that in my mind for the next 107 days!

I also am going to start taking fish oil again.  The reason I stopped was because of the 2 grams of fat it added to my daily macros.  When you only have 30 grams, those 2 can def make you go over.  Lately though I have been noticing that my nails aren't growing as good, they are chipping and splitting and my hair has been greasy.  Plus I want my hair to grow back faster and I am pretty sure this helps!

Yesturday my macros ended at 1495/23/135/183 so not bad at all.  I spent the evening with the new boy and I left with a huge smile on my face, fell asleep with it and woke up with it.  I really like this guy a lot, he's def already told me that he really likes me and that he has shooed away other girls (seriously, he is gorgeous, I am def sure there is a line waiting for him) and he said there is no one else that he is into right now..so.....I guess I'm good.  I am going about this way different than any previous relationship and it's really awesome.  He's mature, he knows what he wants, he has a good head on his shoulder, good values, he has goals, ambition, hes a great kisser, he has amazing eyes, a gorgeous smile...ah.......so excited!  I feel so happy when I am with him, I feel really comfortable and safe.

Ok, shut up Talia geez you are making everyone jealous!! I'm just stunned that a guy as gorgeous as him is so into me and lets not even imagine right now what hes going to look like in a shirt and tie omg I think I might have another mini heart attack.  Which by the way last thing, he said when he came in he saw me immediately and was staring/watching me and when he came back the day I gave him my number he saw me shaking! HAH How embarrassing! Oh well, I am really glad I took that chance!!!!! 

Anyways I need to get ready for a killer workout! work and then class., full day! Is it Sunday yet?!?!

It's Wednesday!

I don't know anyone who is excited as I am today because it's Wednesday.  No one else really cares, right?  Well I do!!!!! why? DUH a boy!  I told him last night that this isn't real, he must be imagined and I must be dreaming.  I'm not sure he got it, although I think he probably did.  I'm in the clouds...

Today for breakfast I had some organic vegetable soup, no salt added, so I added in some pepper and italian spice which also has no salt and a protein shake.  I plan on eating every 3 hours and keeping myself full!  Back day at the gym and I am sooo ready to rock it!! My stomach feels a little better than it did yesterday but it's still saying to me "please be kind to me from now on"  I know what I need to do now I need to find a way to make sure I am doing it.  No more giving in to any bad foods, and I also believe I need to think more about the decision I am about to make rather than just making it.  For example, if I have had a bad day where I haven't been able to eat as planned and I get hungry and just want to grab everything in site to really stop and think about whats around me that I can make a meal with.  Also, boredom is a huge factor, when I am bored and food is available if all else fails, I eat.  That needs to stop too which is really easy to do at Applebee's but for some reason harder to accomplish at my family restaurant.  

My goal for today is to hit my macros and kill it at the gym.  Making today count!  Taking it minute by minute, enjoying being alive, healthy and keeping that end goal in mind, walking across that stage lookin hott!!  I have exactly 108 days until I get to show off what I have accomplished and I want to show the world that I accomplished what I set out to accomplish with some set backs, with some negatives but that I prevailed and got past it, built myself stronger, made the mistakes to learn from them and do awesome!!!

Quit the shit Talia!

Some late night fitspo and after a day of feeling guilty for what I did, because my stomach was so bloated today.  I found myself in the gym almost crying before I hit the showers. I dissapoint myself but yet I never do anything to change it... I don't understand myself sometimes, it is so hard to say mind over matter in certain situations and for girls like VICKI and anyone else who eats clean 24/7 and doesn't let stress consume them I bow down to you.  I need to find it in me and quit this dumb shit because I am not getting anything out of it.  Today I ended with 1592/34/122/211 and about 695mg sodium, drank my 16 glasses of water too.  I def feel better than I did earlier in the day but my period is also coming and I can tell because my boobs are fuller.  I wonder if this is also why I was craving such bad foods but I looked back into my diary and saw I got the cravings the few days before my period so I need to be prepared because it will more than likely come back around.

Tomorrow I have to work at 11 so I plan on working out before then, work at night in Alden and then going over to "his" house to chill.  I am so excited!  The kiss was great, I am loving the time we get to spend together getting to know each other.  We get along really well and I have learned a lot about him already so far.  You know what though?  I don't event think this is real.  It can't be, I'm probably just dreaming....

I plan on eating well tomorrow but again, I never got a chance to go food shopping and this is my downfall I KNOW.  There really isn't anything I can do though and I think this is one of the many reasons I am not good at this because I plan as I go and the only thing I plan is to eat something every 3 hours which usually works well but then when I am somewhere I can't get anything healthy or obtain anything healthy then I am in a rut.  I just need to quit the shit and stop thinking I can have a bite of this and of that and be fine or have a salad with nothing on it other than tomatoes, garbanzo beans and feel satisfied.  I actually started carrying my jug of protein around with me because for real, I live out of my car so I figure if I just bring it along I will always have it.  I am not embarrassed about it because I am starting to see that if I keep dicking around like this even if it's just little by little that I am not going to be anywhere near stage ready.  I don't want to dissapoint my trainer, myself or anyone else.  I am beyond aggrivated with myself that I keep making the same mistakes over and over but have no idea how to change it so I don't make them.  For right now not having extra money to food shop is a huge problem.  Tomorrow I am going to plan on eating something when I wake up, I know I have some veggies and eggs so I will make an omellete.  After my workout I will have some protein powder but now as I think about it what else?  I could bring some baby carrots so that will be at 11.  At 2 I will have another shake, maybe 2 depending on if I am still at work.  I will eat again at 5 when I am at my other job, more than likely I will buy some food or maybe if I have time swing by tops to get some chicken so I can have a filling salad.  At 8 hopefully I will be cleaning up shop so probably just another protein shake before I go hang out with him.  That should keep me set.  I know I need to figure something out with buying food.  Once my credit cards get paid off it will be easier it just has been so dead at work, and yup, money is my number one stressor.  Can't escape that, that's for sure.  

I am going to do something new though and not let the little things bother me.  Even if they are bigger things I need to learn how to manage my feelings better.  Maybe I really do need to start by just making sure I am eating every 3 hours.  If I do that then I will have to make sure I have something around to make that happen and I know that if I eat every 3 hours I do not snack inbetween, I feel full and I can live life instead of thinking about food all of the time.

Killed it at the gym today!  I did chest and I went up on my incline BB, went up on my machine press, and a few other things too.  My cardio I did intervals on the elliptical.  Nothing too major, I think tomorrow I am going to do my interval sprints.  Well I better get going, but before I do let's figure out time management.  I have to work at 11, so I have to be done working out by let's say 1030, stretch from 1015-1030, cardio from 9:40-1015, lift from 840-940, leave home at 8, YIKES, that means I will have to be up at 630-645.goodbye

Head Straight

This past weekend, well all I am going to say is that has derailed my efforts.  I let stress win, I let myself emotionally eat and the holiday didn't help.  What I am not going to do right now is make this whole blog into how I feel so guilty that I am a failure and I I want to give up because that isn't the case at all.  After everything I have been through with the whole binging thing, I know I am not going to be perfect but I need to put in a better effort on the eating end. I keep making the same mistakes over and over and this one has def cost me.  It's def not easy to eat clean 100% of the time.  I do so well and then bam something happens and I screw it up.  Well I am ready to challenge myself to not eat any junk because this competition is going to be here sooner than I think and right now I can't say that i am ready.  So what am I going to do to change that?  Get serious, and eat healthy!

Although this weekend was full of stress I definitely had a great time out on my friend's boat for the weekend.  We went downtown the night before and last night I got to spend it with someone I really like  :)  we shared our first kiss, and I'm really happy he made the first move because I was itching to do it all night and I just couldn't.  I am sooo happy!!! This is sooo crazy!  Seriously how insane???!?! :)  I feel like my head is floating, my thoughts are jumbled but I haven't been this happy in a long time.  It's so strange how everything has fallen into place.  I'm really glad I didn't chicken out on giving him my number that's for damn sure!!!

Can't wait to hit the gym HARD!

131!!

All my hard work, consistancy, weighing, measuring, accurate calorie counting, non junk food eating week has helped me lose another pound! This time I am super excited and feel as if this sort of success I will now how to drive in a more positive direction.  I first of all want to say that I am EXTREMELY grateful for having an awesome trainer!  He has given me a great workout routine that I push myself at the gym to do everyday!   Yesterday when I did legs I couldn't walk normal after the last exercise and it just made me think not only do I want to punch my trainer in the face but I want to hug him too hahhaha.  I am trying to get away from stressing myself out b/c I know what happens to my cortisol levels and I also know what happens to my carb cravings.  Speaking of which I better prepare myself b/c my friend is coming soon.  You know what I mean.  I posted a few new pics of myself and I feel like I can't tell a huge difference, I am looking forward to seeing my progress pics in a few weeks though.

Last night I went out to the bar to visit a few friends, it was fun at first then got really boring, no hotties haha  Tonight I am looking forward to going DT to dance and then Sunday is the beach if it's nice! I skipped the gym today because my girls and I are planning on going Sunday before the gym.  I really should have walked this morning but that's ok I can still do it later if I get the time after work tonight.  Not really worried about it, if anything I can double up tomorrow and spend 2 hours at the gym. uggh.

I have to work in a few hours and the one thing I ask out of today is that someone is able to come visit me at work :) that is all :)  Have an awesome day everyone!!!

Small, small world

Good Morning! I wanted to do an early morning blog because I didn't get home last night until 1230 and had to get up super early. WHY?  Early morning workout baby!! Today is leg day and I want to it it hard!  Also, because tomorrow is my big day, weigh in day and I didn't do too bad last night except I was really under.  My macros ended up being 1320/18/139/159 and sodium was at 892!  I want to make a really big shout out to CHELSEA!  We have exchanged numbers to keep each other motivated and just as she texted me to tell me something I was eating cheerios straight from the cereal box!!  NO!!! Bad me!! I know I didn't eat a whole serving.  I was listening to lectures, sitting here waiting to leave for class and so I put them away and left and really happy she texted me because I probably would have gotten in a serving or 2.  So those cheerios are the reason I went over on carbs.  The reason for not eating all my calories/protein?  A boy  :)

I skipped my lifting routine yesterday and the only cardio I did was 30 min of light walking after I dropped my car off to get an oil change.  Whatever, better than nothing and I plan on actually working out the rest of the weekend too.

It seriously is such a small world!  First of all let me tell you that I struggled for about 1/2 hour hopelessly looking into my closet for something to wear.  It was about 70 degrees when I was doing this so pants were out of the question and shorts were as well considering I don't have any.  I always thought I looked super gross in jean shorts so all I really wear are skirts.  So I put on my red peace sign tanktop, light jean skirt and green sandals.  I think it was simple enough to go over to his friends house.  Well, by the time class was half over and we got our break and escaped from the dungeon it was really cold!!!  Luckily, my friend was home so I borrowed a pair of jeans and a long sleeve shirt just in case!  Praise the stars for my girl NICOLE!!!!!

Before I even get there, actually during class when I knew he wanted me to come I was getting sooo nervous.  I have to meet his friends, what if they don't like me? What if he doesn't like me? So, I get to his friends house and turns out the guy that lives there is a guy that lived down the street from me when we were growing up!!!!! I couldn't believe it but honestly felt relief, I didn't feel so up-tight, I felt like I could really just relax.  All of his friends were super cool, I think I got along with them all and I even got to meet his dog!!  First thing I did when I got home?  Emailed my friend and told him he better dish it out about this guy!  Nothing yet, but hoping to hear some good things because I know we just met and all but I just get a really good vibe.....

Anyways, now that I know someone knows him I am SURE he blew up my spot with all the posts on facebook I have recently made.  Crap.  Have a great day everyone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!