First of all, male advice is welcome. I would love to hear from a male perspective on how they think I am being....
I am not even going to fitspo because if I look at the pictures it's going to make my cry. I made this blog to be honest and so that is just what I am going to do. Before I started writing on here I actually pulled up my old blog and was going to just vent to myself but I thought what good is that going to do? WHat good is hiding going to do? So The 4th of July weekend I flew off of my diet, and 1 day I binged. I do not think it was like a previous binge, ones that I used to have back in the day but not to that extreme. I picked myself back up and had a great week and today I did it again. I want to cry, I don't know what is going on with me. Are my hormones out of whack? Yes. Am I getting my period soon? Yes, tomorrow starts placebo. Is there a new person in my life? Yes and I just went over with him how there has to be a catch. What is wrong with me? Basically I displayed through text message how worrysome I can be and he steered me away from thinking that like saying you can't focus so much on something that may or may not go wrong because you will miss out on stuff that is right in front of you and you won't know unless you put yourself out there. GENIUS! right? I mean seriously. It's good stuff so why am I making it so hard to accept? Honestly, I have hurt others, in relationships and I guess it's not only the fear that I will hurt him but that he will hurt me, because let's get real people, karma is a bitch. I need some serious advice. I really like this guy, I really like getting to know him, I have fun with him. On the other side of me, this competition seems to be creeping up on me and I feel like I am panicking about not being ready and obsess over it and then my actions end of being the opposite of what they should be. Like I am completely aware that I just binged, I know when it started and I know why it continued and I know the situations it was in that it occured and I let it go on.
I thought I was past this. I thought I was beyond this and I thought I was above this and I am struggling right now. After I type this I am getting ready for bed, waking up early making breakfast and going for a nice long rollerblade. I just wish I had my head on right and I really thought I did up until I met him. He twisted me, he turned me and now I am facing in the opposite direction that I was in before I met him. I don't want to mess this up. I honestly never felt like this before and its insane I just don't want him to think I am insane. I have been ME around him, I haven't been acting different but its the things that come out of me over text that make me look really complicated. OK so maybe that's it, I am sometimes a little complicated, I over-worry, I over-think and he has said more than once that he is a simple guy. As I type that I think (HA, that doesn't exist) but maybe he is exactly what I need to make me see like as something short and too short to drastically ponder the what if's the future and the 10 minutes from now. I have been always wishing to be able to live in the now and maybe this is my chance? I know I do not want to let something pass me by that is right in front of me, I also do not want to push that away because of my unwillingness to see the world in the now.
I truly believe everything happens for a reason and this journey really is a learning process. Right now I feel like I am having an epiphany. I know I binge, I allow myself to binge, and if I lay it all out and the overstress that has been going on its all about the unknown. Stressing about the unknown of this competition- will i even be ready? Stressing about the unknown with this guy, is he for real? can he really like me this much when I feel the same way too? Or maybe he doesn't really like me as much as I like him and so then will i be completely crushed when he calls it quits? I could go on with questions like this for hours. I was bored at work all night tonight, even right before, I didn't have the greatest of snacks and I WAS hungry, I let myself eat a few things I thought I might be craving and I let it get out of control.
I really need to do what everyone has been telling me to do this whole time and just plan so for tomorrow I planned my breakfast, my snack, my lunch and then I am having dinner at his house. My goal will to be to plan out everything for each day the day before not a week at a time just a day at a time and do my best.
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