Food baby

The only responsibility I have today is class at 630 and I fear this isn't goo for my dome.  I am home by myself, just me and the dogs.  I have accomplished two things thus far; (1) called in for a new pack of birth control because I lost mine- I have no idea how that happened but good thing I'm not having sex (2) paid my Discover credit card bill (2 days too late, let's cross our fingers for a weekend grace period).  

As I sit here, I realize I still have feelings in my head and heart that I stuffed away for the weekend extravaganza.  I would be a liar if I said I was completely over the heart ache my ex caused.  I know I am a strong woman and I can move on but it still just really hurts deep down knowing it was so easy for him to just walk away.  It hurts to know that someone can say they love you but yet not be willing to do things to make a relationship better.  Simply put, it still hurts.  I thought I would be ready today to get back up on the healthy train and start eating healthy but being home with nothing to do for another 4 hours is not helping that too much.  I took the morning off today because I figured I would be too blasted with carbs and sugar spikes to be an efficient employee.  I went to bed early and I am pretty sure I slept for 12 hours.  When I went to bed I had a belly that resembled a 4 month pregnant woman.  This morning I made some more not so healthy choices but as I sit here and facebook stalk and look at pictures and really truly think about my goals I know I want to get back to it as soon as I can.

Tomorrow I have my internship from 830-330 and then work at 5.  I feel like this is the perfect day to get started with my new goals because I will not be around any shitty food all morning.  I am a little nervous about being in the Applebee's kitchen all night but to be honest I think my then I will be over this eating shitty food free for all.  I know I have eaten the things I really have wanted to eat already; pizza, ice cream, french toast and chocolate!!!! 

I am so thankful for all of the support that I have around me and I know anywhere I turn even if I am trying to run there will be someone there with their hand stretched out to stop me, to remind me of what my dreams are.  I get a little bit stronger every day and I don't want anything to stop me from reaching my goals.  I had a blast at this first competition and I have learned so much and definitely made a lot of mistakes and am making sure I don't make them this time!  I am done looking for the loop holes and taking the short cuts!  I need to put in what I want to get out!  I know I will be ok, I know I can accomplish whatever I set out to do and now that I have the experience with this show I will use that to help me with the next one!!!

BIKINI COMPETITOR!!!

I am officially in LOVE with competing in competitions!  Yesterday was the best experience EVER!  Let me take you into my day!

I woke up around 8am to start to get ready.  Ok wait...REWIND...let's go back to Thursday night around 7:30pm when my who I thought was such a fabulous boyfriennd and that I was in LOVE with broke up with me.  I was so hurt.  I cried and cried.  The next day for my last cardio session I cried all over the cardio equipment.  His reasons were I was too busy, he didn't see me enough, he didn't know how to handle that and that he couldn't do this right now, that he jumped into another relationship too fast.  I think the latter is not true because he is someone who JUMPED into a lot of things too fast without thourough thoughts but I was dumb and followed along.  When I got my tan after my workout I explained what happened because my eyes were SUPER puffy and they were nice girls and I neeeded to vent.  They asked if I wanted to wait and I said HELL NO!  I sucked it up, got strong and made sure I didn't cry and ruin a $60 tan  :)  Anyways, he did teach me some valuable things about myself and I know that I will take that and use it to my advantage.

Ok back to me :)  I slept at my bestie Nicole's house because she is an amazing friend and I love her!  She curled my hair and did my make-up and I really felt like bikini barbie!!!! I was a little mad I didn't leave earlier because then I wasn't able to get a coffee which maybe was a blessing in disguise if you get me :)  I was so nervous, all of the girls were so gorgeous, and I could tell super lean.  Along the way you all know I have taken many steps back by not following the plan, trying to find the short cuts and loop holes (all things my ex happily brought to my attention).  We had out meeting, got out numbers and were told basically how the show would run.  This was around 1030-1100 and prejudging wasn't until 1pm!  So I took my stuff into the basement where they had it set up so we could get ready.  Def NOT a big enough area for all the girls that were there but I stayed down there pretty much the whole time, sizing up my competition and getting to know some of the girls.  I was lucky to have already met 2 girls that worked out at the same gym as I did only the Women's club.  They were super nice and supportive.  I started to look around once we all had our numbers on to see who was near mine and in my height class.  I knew immediately that I was not lean enough but again, didn't let it bother me because I felt proud to be there, proud to have come this far, not given up and not chicken shit out!  I was nervous at first to take off my track suit for fear that I would get dirty looks like "wow she is NOT ready" but I was so surprised at how nice all of the girls were.  Of course there were some that had to think they were better than everyone else but I tried to not let that affect me especially since most of them weren't in my class anyways.

I was also surprised to see that not all of these girls were perfect either, we all have our own flaws and it's not about being perfect (well for some it is) but it truly is about how confident you are in yourself and what you have accomplished.  Another great thing about this show was that it wasn't a pro qualifier and I think the level of the show makes it much more comfortable for first time girls like me.  If it was a bigger show I do not know if I would have had such a great expereince because the girls would have been pretty much near perfect.

Fast forward to 1pm, we are all lined up in order, ready to hit the stage for pre-judging.  I was shaking like a fucking leaf, probably even more shaking than when I gave my ex my phone number (bad judgement on that one).  We got out there and did our 1/4 turns, lights all on us, crowd cheering, my lips were shaking so much I think I got points taken off hahaha.  After that I was a little uneasy because who knows, all this stuff is going through my head about what I coulda shoulda woulda done.  I went out to lunch with my trainer, had a slice of pizza with ranch dressing and it was so delicious and a salad.  We talked about the days after the comp of eating haha hello, DUH and doing another show.

We got back with a shit load of time, but eventually I just went back down and started getting ready again.  The night show was our individual walks and poses and I had  A BLAST with this part! Definitely my favorite part of the show.  I walked out there and owned it with the music playing.  I could hear people cheering and screaming for me and it was such an AMAZING feeling!! I loved every second I was up there showing off all of my hard work!!! After that we ALL went on stage which went as smooth as it could with over 40 girls!  It felt amazing up there, I can't even express it in words because it was just such an individual experience.

After that we went out again by class and got awards.  I placed 6th out of 7 girls and was just so happy that I wasn't last!  It gave me that little boost that said, you were better than at least one girl and you can be just as good as the top 3 if you put in what needs to be put in!

I have been through a lot, been tested many times throughout the past 5 months and I know I am going to stuff my face the next few days, I am currently writing this at 1030am while eating cheese fix munchie mix ahhahaha but my stomach already doesn't like me and I know I hate the way I look when I am bloated and I do not want to start this off on the wrong foot so I will get all of this out of my system and then get right back into it and listen to my trainer and do what he tells me 100% the whole time and see what I can do for my next show in 5 months!  I can't wait to actually compare COMPETITION photos!  I love this and I am so glad I found something I really love doing!!!

My last thing I want to say is that I am sooooo happy to have such a great support system in my life!  I never knew how many people were really watching from a distance, cheering me on this whole time and getting just as excited as I was!  Thank you so much for all of your support!  Seriously if I could have given a speech I would have said that not only do I have a  lot of support from friends but my cyber friends make up a big part of my life too.  I am so thankful and appreciative of ALL of you!!!!!! Thanks for following me with this journey...it isn't over and I am NOT saying goodbye..time for the journey to continue!!!!!!   :)

Morning Rain

I know the feelings that run through me right now,

and the only thing I want to do I don't even know how.

I don't know how to accomplish letting these feelings go,

I don't know how to set them free just as they start to show.

I feel like I have let you down and you have taken a step away,

Now I constantly fear that you aren't going to stay.

Stay in my world on the same level we have been,

it feels like its different but it could all just be the same.

I can't help but worrying about what's going on inside,

Lately all I want to do is lay in my bed and cry.

A human can only take so much to pile up on their plate,

before it all falls to the ground and I'm sure most can relate.

I will be strong and I will be bold and will not let it fall,

I will only allow this to make me stand up real tall.

No one said I was perfect no one said things would be swell,

no one said life would be easy but it also doesn't have to be hell.

I need to choose the battles to worry over and leave the rest behind,

because you never know when you will find yourself in a bind.

I don't want to ruin this and twist it into something it's not

it's all up to me though and my mind is like a robot.

A robot that continuously does the same things over and over again,

finally realizing that it doesn't bring me to back to "zen"

It's the definition of insanity and something I no longer want to feed,

I want to return to the happy, crazy me!

Stressed x 73725

The above picture is what I should be partaking in at this current moment in time but instead I am on here, blogging off my face because my head is in 734685 different directions.

First of all, I had my internship today and let's just say I am glad I can honestly accept the fact that I am NOT ready for motherhood.  I definitely have a lot to learn and I am really excited that I have been given this opportunity to do this internship.  I am going to learn a shit load!  Not to mention I might fall in love with all of these children which may not be good at the end...

Second of all, of course we HAVE to talk about this competition, I was a height verification away from being taken out of it and apparently this is the BIGGEST show Olympus has EVER had.  AWESOME.  Makes me really proud knowing I binged my way through this :( NOT.  Oh well, my own fault, I am lucky this isn't the WBFF!  I can't say I am where I wanted to be and I am willing to accept fault for it.  I also want to back that up by saying that I have learned SO much about myself and that all the mistakes I made this time around will be sure to be avoided the next time.

Third- I am really getting sick of doing cardio

Fourth-  My first sponsor for OA ended up leaving me.  She said she had some issues and I am ok with that.  Just means it wasn't meant to work out for us.  Also, it meant I was supposed to find my new sponsor and I already love her!  My fear though is that I haven't been able to devote much time to OA.  I have been making it a point to go to an online meeting at least once a day but noticed I haven't been "at" the meeting.  I am a multi-tasker, I can juggle many things at once and I love that I have that talent but I also hate it too for things like this.  Being a COE needs my undivided attention and I didn't do that tonight.  Instead I was too concerned with catching up on facebook updates (really?!) checking my emails and feeling guilty that I do not have the time to read all of the responses to the OA loops I am subscribed to and feeling bad that I haven't been doing the daily assignments.  This program is very in depth and I know I need to work it for it to work but I only have so much damn time in a damn day and I would like if I got to enjoy time once in awhile.  Can that ever happen?

Fifth- I posted on a FB group about what to do AFTER the show.  I have been good about not binging or compulsively over eating and I fear that the show being over I will get back to old habits.  I do NOT want this to happen.  Being in OA has made me realize that I do have an issue with food and it needs to be addressed but the restricting that has happened at the end of this journey because I have messed up so much along the way does not go along well together.  I am so scared that I will fall back into these stupid habits.  I have a plan though and I will stick to that plan!  

Sixth- I keep thinking about how a lot of girls are saying that training and prepping for a competition has ruined their lives.  I can not agree with this at all.  I decided to give up drinking alcohol over 6 months ago and I have to say that was one of the best decisions I ever made.  My social life has NOT been effected by this and actually since getting into a new relationship has gotten better.  I have never found myself enjoy the company of friends as much as I am right now.  Not only that but my boyfriend and I have an amazing relationship going.  He is EXTREMELY supportive of my goals and we mesh nicely :)  Although I still do get pissed off when people ask what I am eating and then make a gross face.  Like get the fuck away from me then!  MAJOR pet peeve with that!  Ewww..whats that?! ITS FUCKIN CHICKEN...DUH!!!! Anyways, I feel confident in knowing that I have not let this interfere with my life, some people may say I have but how come?  because I ate broccoli instead of fries? or because I worked out before work and you didn't?  This is a LIFESTYLE for me and I WANT to compete and I WANT to get better at this


Just like my boyfriend reassured me, things that were invented, even medicine or technology, all of those people made mistakes and screwed up before they got it right.


PROGRESS, NOT PERFECTION


<3

 

Perfection

As you all already know, I came across OA last Monday and have been working through it since then.  Through the loops and the F2F and online meetings I have heard and read so many stories.  I have been since I have been sucked into this disease an extremes kind of person.  I will be all in and one little set back will de-rail me so far from reality that it takes a natural disaster to get me back.  The first few days I went to online meetings at least once and I was so relieved as soon as I signed in.  I skipped a day and binged, after that I went through a long stretch of not binging but yesterday I skipped a meeting.  Not intentional, I have intentions of attending as many meetings as I can, but now I know my goal MUST be one a day.  I need all of the support I can get.  I have so many people in my life right now that believe in me, and as much as I am sure they are frustrated with me they never tell me I have no willpower (even though they may think it) or that I really have no strength.  They stand by my side the entire time, with each slip up and offer their hand for me to grasp so I can brush myself off again.

My main reason for posting this blog right now, while still in an OA (Overeater's Annonymous)meeting, is that while I was sitting here and checking  my emails I received one from a fellow OA member.  I was questioning the difference between a COE (compulsive over eater-sorry, I assume everyone already know) and a binger and if I COE does that mean I have to start back at day one of abstience or because it didn't lead to a binge am I ok?  This is the ridiculous self talk that goes on in my head a constant obession, worry, stress over something so simple.  So this member had told me that to everyone it is different but that she doesn't count the days and it got me thinking, wow.  This is a fantastic way of looking it.  Should I really be counting the days when I am already entering this with an "all or nothing" attitude?  The thought of counting days to me seems like counting perfection, does it not?  I have been 6 days absitenent, and then I over ate, now I am back at one or am I still at 6 because I didn't binge.  WHO FUCKING CARES!! keeping track of a specific amount of days only feeds into my extremist personality and also only adds to the thoughts of having to be perfect.

Right now I need to focus on progress and NOT perfection.  I know I will never be perfect and I need to realize that a slip up or a splurge that didn't lead to a binge is a success and a step in the right direction!  I also need to learn that these slip ups are ok and they are going to happen, no one is perfect and I shouldn't try to be either.  I really have come a long way since I started this journey in May and although I times I feel as if I have not gotten anywhere and that I am not where I want to be that I never gave up, I kept on learning and growing stronger and gaining more support along the way.

Thank you to EVERYONE who has been and will ALWAYS be there for me..you know who you are :) 

I hope this made sense...

The poems return

So last night I wrote a poem...here it is:

It's hard to describe something to someone when you personally don't know what it is,

  but it's even harder trying to do it when you know something exists.

It's something deeper inside of me that's just out of my reach,

  sending my emotions and spiritual self on a roller coaster ride week after week.

The thoughts are so consuming that nothing else matters at the time,

  Sometimes I wonder how these thoughts in my head could ever possibly be mine.

The obsessions, the negative vibe, the lies that I am told,

  so ridiculous to say that food could do this to someone's soul.

I can go back to in time to figure out the time line of how this occur ed,

but dwelling on the past as we all know only makes matters worse.

So I have come to accept that I am powerless over food,

and that working the twelve steps is something I must seriously do.

I want to be free from these wasteful consuming obsessions,

  and spend that time instead of my life's most precious possessions

CHUCK IT

Some of my greatest ASSets :) 

Not much of a change since my pics at 4 weeks.  I have 18 more days and I cried again today, actually I cried a few more photos after this one.  Today as many of you know, I chucked a brand new, only some eaten, jar of chunky peanut butter out my window while driving, into a field.  I bought it, found a plastic spoon in Tops to eat some of it on the way home and then as I was doing so realized that if I didn't start texting my support system, (and yes, Taylor you were first) that I would devour the whole container.  At this point I have 4 days of abstinence under my belt of not binging but then I get caught up in the am I over eating or is COE and binge eating the same thing?  I have messed up my diet by binging so much along this journey that this super strict diet consisting of eggs, chicken, cheese and vegetables is unmanageable for me and I rebel by giving in tothe voices inside my head that say to just have a taste to get rid of the craving.  Only do I realize though that this is exactly what OA is telling me.  That this addiction is just like an alcoholics addiction to food and the constant battle inside their head about whether or not to have that one drink knowing if they do, it won't be their last.  It's exactly the same thing only the addiction here is food.  An alcoholic though can stop drinking, but a food addict needs to eat to survive.  So how does one that is struggling with an eating disorder and doing a competition find that balance?  In a way these last 18 days I know will be hell but I also find relief in knowing that once this competition is over I can breath and start over and do even better for the next one.

Yes, you read that right, the next one,

You see, my friends, competing has ALWAYS been a dream of mine and I am NOT giving up.  I may not be perfect, people may say wow, she has no willpower but someone with a binge eating disorder has it deeper than just willpower, it's more than that, it's different than that.  I can't explain it and by not being able to do so stresses me out even more.  I want people to understand but if I don't, how can I explain it to others? 

What else do I want to say?  Oh yeah, I have given up all peanut butters of any kind for now.  Please "like" The Butters Lovers Anonymous Club to join me in this challenge.  There was a fantastic over 66 comment conversation about the love of peanut butter on Team Fit which I thoroughly enjoyed, but not as much as the hole fucking.  As of midnight tonight I will be 5 days abstinent from binge eating and so as much as I feel like I am not fucking the holes, I fucked a big one today when that jar sailed through the country air!

Abstinence

Crap! It's been so long since I let my words go wild in this blog.  It feels good to be back.  Although I am not sure why I am even still up knowing I just set my alarm for 430.  Repulsive.  How come you have to be up so early Talia? Well friends you see it's like this...if I don't get my workout in early in the morning I will be less likely to want to do it later and then I will get into yet another internal battle in my head on when I can fit another ridiculously long workout in.  Not happenin' this competition is in 19 days and I need to push the fuck forward, fuckin those holes along the way! That's right bitches, I have been fuckin them pretty hard too.  Midnight tongiht I will be 5 days abstinent from COE/binging!! ::insert crazy loud insane crowd clapping here::

The last time I posted I wrote something about OA, correct?  I think so, I don't have time to go back and look but anyways yes.  I am a member of OA and I have attended several online meetings and one face to face meeting in my area this past Sunday.  This morning out of curiosity I took oput my self-help books on binging and overeating and because I date them all (most of them) one of them was from March of 2010.  That means I have had this issue for well over a year because I know I had it before I bought the book otherwise why would I have gotten the book.  Over a year of this nonsense with food, the mind games, the food devil, the little demon, and I am proud to say I have finally admitted I am powerless over food.  It sounds crazy coming out of my mouth and I am not going to lie, as I walked into the meeting, there were only 2 women there, by the end there was a total of 13 and I felt like I was being judged by my appearance.  Here I was in an OA meeting and I am not obese or overweight.  Well it wasn't until that night after talking to another person there that I finally admitted to being an over exerciser.  I had years to bring it down to a science being able to stuff my face and then either work it off by doing insane amounts of cardio or eating clean for a week.  I could go on and on about my feelings, the beginning, how it all started but that's for me to talk through OA and the loops they have and WTS, here I will just say that I want it to end and I have made a conscious and serious effort to make it stop.

I am 19 days away from stepping on stage.  Am I ready? No. Will I be ready? I have no choice. Am I doing what I need to? Yes, finally.  This has been a long journey and I have learned so much about myself that I don't regret a thing, I think I will actually be really sad when it's over.  I may need therapy knowing my day to shine has come and gone but itsn't that the same thing a bride goes through on her wedding? Ew.  I don't want to think about that, shit that's sad, doing all that work, getting all excited and the moment and the day pass faster than the time inbetween. (well that's obvious) anyways you get the picture, right?

I was talking with my friend Theresa and she said something to me that really stuck out.  That maybe one day I will be a sponsor for someone else going through being a COE and that made me smile because my direction for social work is this specific topic.  Eating disorders, exercise disorders and the like and I know if I stay on top of my game, help others, continue competing that my dreams will come true because I will make them come true.  Only I hold the key to where my life goes.  I made my own choices and although other people influence me along the way and hold more powerful status' than I, it is up to me to push my way to where I want to go.  I have not given up on competing and I never will, I WANT to compete, I want to get over this COE/Binge eating and I want to be happy.  The only way I can do that is if I take the steps to do it!

OA

I need to be my own motivation and fitspo! I need to stop wishing I could look like all the girls I post pictures of and start doing what I need to do to get there.

Disclaimer to my trainer: you are not going to like what you are about to read so you might want to save yourself some heartache and click the X" in the top right hand corner now.......................

.............................................................................................................................................................

I know you are still reading.  Anyways, it happened at work like it always does, it always has because that is the place where I get bored the most.  I had 3 tables in a two hour time period and then started getting thoughts about eating the walnuts.  I was in a serious 10 minute battle in my head because I knew I shouldn't but maybe I could control it this time, I was cut from taking tables and I was going to be leaving soon and I had all my food with me so I took a handful.  Ruined, that led to other things and the day ended in a binge.  I am not going to sit here and tell you what I ate or how many calories I think I consumed because it doesn't matter.  What matters is that the problem is bigger than I think.  I have an eating disorder and I need help.  Since I do not have money to see a therapist nor do I have the time to drive to one, I figured I might start looking for meetings or something that can help me because what I am doing now is not helping.  Don't get me wrong, all the peoples support I have is great and I have so many people in my phone I could have texted but it is beyond that.  It was beyond a simple text to someone sayying "omg I did it again" it was like this time I got myself into the mess and I didn't want anyone to know or try to talk me out of it because it wouldn't have worked.

I found OA, Overeaters Anonymous and attended my first online meeting last night at midnight.  It was an hour long and it was people sharing stories and at the end just talking like AA meetings.  OA works exactly like AA meetings and even has a 12 step program which luckily for me starts again October 1st.  

When I first started training for this bikini competition, binge eating was my main concern.  It was something I was doing that I didn't want to do anymore and now it has gotten to the point where it has taken over my life and my thoughts are constantly about food.  The OA does not judge or try to talk me out of competing which I think a therapist would have tried to do considering being a competitor involves giving up certain foods.  That is not what I want, I want to compete, I don't want to binge.  SO I am doing this for me, I don't have to have anyone's approval and I don't care what others might think because again, I know I need something more.  I started posting things, trying to find a sponsor and just working my way around all of the plethora of information on the internet on www.therecoverygroup.org or is it .com.  Whatever it is I plan on attending as many meetings as I can and then starting the 12 steps on October 1st!

I am happy for myself that I have found this information on my own and doing this for myself.  I no longer will talk about my eating habits to anyone unless they are asking, I don't want to focus my life around food anymore!!!!

Just keep swimming...

Today I woke up, got on the scale and the scale immediately put me in a crabby patty mood.  It didn't budge from last week and I know why.  It sucks that at this point it is brutally honest with me whether I like it or not but it sorta reaches out and slaps me in times like this.  I went to the gym for my chest/back/cardio workout and I really didn't want to be there.  I wanted to be somewhere in secret, eating all the foods I can't have but I shut my evil binge voice up and got in a great workout.  It wasn't until 1/2 hour into my cardio that I finally felt awake.

I got out of work late and I decided to stay home instead of going to see my boyfriend which was a really tough decision but by the time I would have been done packing everything and drove out there it would have been past midnight.  I feel awful, I miss him so much and we don't get to spend a lot of time together so I feel like I robbed our relationship of quality time :(  I just know myself though and if I don't get much sleep I am cranky and being sleepless + carb-less does not equal a really happy girlfriend.  What do you mean not much sleep? You know what I mean :) I'd rather be fresh and alert!  I guess in the end he should be damn glad I am not smothering him and getting annoying to the point of too much Talia. HA! who am I kidding, you can never have too much Talia in you life ;)

So those pics are my 4 weeks out pics and as I put them on my computer and was looking at them I got seriously discouraged and mad.  Looking at that fat above my hips and thinking, wow, maybe if I wouldn't have fucked up so much along the way that wouldn't be there :(  LUCKILY Robin Romero came to my rescue and told me it was ok, to just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swimming, swimming! HAHHA I fucking love you girl!!!  

I named my car Alana and I am thrilled to spend some time with my boyfriend tomorrow so I want to post this, get ready for bed and wake up fresh and ready for a great day!

Meal 1- 4 eggs, 2 whites, 2 slices cheese, 3 tsp coffeemate creamer.  Seriously this peppermint mocha creamer is like an orgasm in my coffee every morning and every morning I look forward to this treat!

Meal 2- 1 lean beef patty, 1 serving sugar peas, 100 calorie almonds

Meal 3- 3 ounces rotisserie chicken, 85 grams romaine, 100 calorie almonds

Meal 4- 3 ounces rotisserie chicken, 3/4 pound lettuce, 1 string cheese

Meal 5- 5 ounces chicken

1486/79/42/157

PeACE OUT~~

Why do we binge?

First of all I want to start off this blog by telling you about my day.  It was beyond difficult, it was excruciating, I told myself that from 30 days out I needed to do what I need to do to get stage ready and be confident in that little pink bikini and today, feeling uncomfortable and feeling hungry but not really knowing if it was hunger or another emotion, finding other things to do instead of thinking about food is hard.  I want to shout out to a few of my girls, Amelia, Audrey, Chelsea, Robin and Theresa.  I have never officially met a single one of you but each of you have come into my life for a reason.  This blog is inspired by Theresa because we started talking about why us, what makes us do this? when did this all start? I have theories that were too long to explain over 160 characters.  I was helped a ton by Amelia today and stuck to my meal plan kicking and screaming the whole day!  Robin, I must thank you also today for being there to tell me about the Tiramisu pancakes when my hand wanted to go into the walnut bin! I am so lucky to have all of you in my life and THANK YOU!

Meal 1-4 eggs, 2 whites, 2 slices weight watcher cheese, 3 tsp creamer- this morning meal seems to hold me over well, pre workout, I know I will get to eat when I get to work so this isn;t the part of the day that's hard at all.

Meal 2- 5 ounces chicken, 1 serving sugar peas, 100 calorie pack of almonds, 12:00 noon

Fast forward to about 145 and I am pretty sure I texted Robin at this point.  Seriously not even 2 hours later and I am hungry again, or am I bored, ok maybe I am bored.  Do some dishes.  Nope, still hungry, I try to reason with myself.  Just have a handful of walnuts and then that will be it.  My reasoning comes back at me, HELL TO THE NO, TALIA VANCE! Don't even do it...fine......fuck....do more dishes

Meal 3- FINALLY- 245, couldn't wait the full 3 hours, close enough! 1 lean burger patty, 2 slices cheese, 1 servings sugar peas. Wow....whatdoyaknow, I am STILL hungry

Meal 4- 5 ounces chicken and 1 bag of romaine...god this is boring! At this point it's only like 530pm and I am already over it.

Meal 5- 3 ounces chicken

1484/65/50/174

  The whole time I have been texting my girls and eventually I realize I have done it! I stayed on my plan!  I over came many opportunities to screw it up and I didn't do it!  It was hard, I hate the feeling of not being able to do what I want but what I want is to see results, get on stage and be as sexy as I can be and I KNOW binging or over eating or eating a shit load of nuts isn't going to make me feel any better!

BINGING:

My fitness routine started, oh I don't know...back in 2006 with my ex boyfriend, I was chunky, I wanted to lose weight so I hit the gym, I started going on fitness websites, I start posting on forums, buying Oxygen magazine, years went by, I became a personal trainer and obsessed even more.  It is somewhere along this continuum that binging occured and here is what I think is the reasoning behind it....

When we want to lose weight we restrict calories, we take foods out that we know aren't "good" for us.  We stop eating the "bad" foods.  At one point I read Lyle McDonald's "Guide to Flexible Dieting" and in this composition he explained it to a tee.  If you ever get the chance, read it, I am sure you will agree.  Basically what he says is that when we try to diet/change our body composition etc that we restrict, we don't allow ourselves to have certain things, we label food as good and bad and eventually we become rigid.  We say ok, I am going to give 100%, I won't eat X,Y,and Z at all.  Ok, so you eat X, then you eat Y and then say fuck it, mind as well eat Z.  Then the feelings of guilt come through, even as soon as you put the X in your mouth, you start to think, shit I fell off, I am not being 100%, I mind as well just eat everything else I couldn't have and start over again tomorrow.  You do great for a week and then you crave chocolate, so you eat it, the feelings come back and you go for more things you deprived yourself of.

Basically, I think people binge because they have learned to label foods as good and bad and take the bad out completely when in reality it is hard to give them up forever.  Now, I am NOT saying it can't be done and I am not saying everyone will think the same way but I do not think it's a matter of how we feel towards our bodies.  I love my body, I know I have changes I want to make but when I am in a binging mode, I KNOW exactly what I am doing, how I am feeling and what it will be like after.  Stopping it is the hardest thing to do, controlling it is even harder but I really believe the reason behind it to begin with is the start of dieting and thinking that you can't have certain things. 

Think about it this way, if a miracle were to happen over night and I didn't know it occurred but I knew something was different what would that be?  I wouldn't be a binger, I would have learned how to eat things in moderation, I would not label things as bad or good and therefore nothing would be considered off limits.  Unfortunately when we go to this route, want to be healthy etc yes obviously we know their are healthy foods and not so healthy foods but don't you think if we didn't give them labels that we wouldn't be binging on them??  I think this is key, but it;s hard living in a society that has clearly set labels on certain food items which don't get me wrong again, they are bad, but maybe we could label them differently.  Unhealthy even? What if we started exercising and eating right and didn't look at it as a DIET, I think that would also change things too,

I am getting my Masters degree in Social Work and eating disorders is the area I want to end up in.  I want to one day have a practice that focuses on binge eating because I think we all feel like we are alone, we don't talk to anyone about it because if you don't do it you simply just don't understand it.  You don't understand how it starts, and once we start you can't possible understand why I know what I am doing but I continue to do it anyways.  I think many people struggle, especially those doing competitions and I can't wait to be an expert, be on all sides and help people in the future overcome this..but first.....I must learn how to over come it on my own...

Wrong decisions and chick gyms

Is it just me or when it comes to making responsible decisions I always make the wrong ones?  I am not saying I always make the wrong choices (bc I know I don't-remember how Taylor ended up in my life? see good decision ) but it's always the little things that get the bigger sting.  WHATEVER.  Not going to let it linger in my head, I skipped the last half of class and we handed stuff in but Miss. Talia was not there to hand her stuff in.  Deal with it when it comes up later.

Rant #2- so two days a week the closest gym is the woman's club version of our co-ed gym and today I realized once again why I HATE working out at women's clubs.  They never have any of the equipment I need!  I managed to get by because I know alternate exercises but this is going to be a huge issue when let's say one of these days falls on a leg day and I can't do my barbell squats.  I hate the smith machine!  :(  They don't have cables at this club either.  Seriously. I mean this gym was designed for women who go to the gym just so they can say they went not to actually get results apparently.  The free weight area is the size of a bathroom and these old women just think they can get all up in ur area and do exercises that won't do a damn thing for them! EXCUSE ME! I was using that, PUT IT DOWN!

Nothing else I can see I need to complain about.

Since I am 30 days out I will write out my meals for ya'll and despite having to work around some issues at the woman's club I had a GREAT shoulder/bicep/tricep workout:

Meal 1- 4 eggs, 2 whites, 2 slices ww chz, 3 tsp sugar free coffeemate

Meal 2- 5 ounces chicken, 1 serving sugar peas, 100 calorie nuts, 1 string cheese

Meal 3- 1 lean burger, 1 serving sugar peas, 100 calorie nuts

Meal 4- 4 ounces rotisserie chicken, 1 serving romaine

Meal 5- 5 ounces chicken
1519/74/37/179
and 16 glasses of boring water

and...?? still hungry but hittin the pillow soon!

PeAce!

The 10 minute, minute

Can someone please explain to me why when the washing machine says "1" minute it really means like 5?  FOR REAL? WTF..get on with the spinning and be DONE! In an hour and 20 minutes I can officially say I have 1 month left until my competition and to that I say a jaw dropping..SHIT!  Let me just say "fuck the holes"  and I would really wear a T-shirt that says such, especially at t co-ed gym! BAHAHA

Well, I came more than prepared when I left my house the other day with my 6 bags all filled to their max with my overnight clothes, gym clothes, shower stuff, competition bikini, AND food since I was sleeping at my boyfriends and I wanted to be prepared.  Well I guess I hate broccoli because eating it raw makes me want to punch people in the face or pour ranch dressing all over it to the point where it no longer has any nutritional value.  By 3:00 I was eating the walnuts I swore myself off which then became a really ridiculous domino game of traveling to fry side for pecans and cranberries and then having some oreos too.  Yeah, fuck it, you are only doing a competition in 31 days, you know, skimpy bikini, 76587 eye balls staring and critiquing you, I am sure you won't wonder why you placed last as you pick oreo crumbs out of your teeth ...seriously now?  Ok..fuck it..walk over to walmart..what do I want? dried fruit, chocolate covered raisins, a small weight watchers ice cream and some chocolate peanut butter, diet orange soda, CHECK! In the meantime I text my girl Theresa to tell her I pulled up the anchor on the fail boat and began sailing.  Luckily, this girl cares so much about me she talked me out of eating everything (ok except the chocolate peanut butter, because as I was eating it I was feeling sorry for myself, feeling dumb, feeling angry and annoyed and aggravated and still had not decided to go all the way binge).  I am soooo thankful for her help because she stopped me and really made me think of what the hell I was doing?!

This isn't easy stuff folks, it's something different, it's something challenging, it's not of the "norm" and I am starting to think making any more promises to my readers will be like crying wolf..BUT.....I swear swear swear...please believe me...these last 30 days I will give it all I have and I am sorry ahead of time for those who will be getting daily texts ranting and bitching and wondering why I can't be like Mr. Spankypants and just deal with it :) right Robin?  :)  Love all of you ladies!!!

Heaven in my cup

I would just like to take a moment this morning and reflect on the events of yesterday.  I do not like to go back in time but I would really like to make a good point about how I felt and how I got so upset yesterday.  When I was confronted by my boyfriend about what was really going on I felt ridiculous admitting to the fact that it was food related.  I was hungry, I didn't make breakfast before the run, instead I had the remainder of the almonds I bought with a diet orange soda thinking I would be ok.  I was for the time being and I had my laptop so I distracted myself with some morning facebook stalking.  My friend came and got me for our 5K walk, yes we walked, WHATEVER, IDC, running and I don't get along with my Grandma knees.  After we thought we might hit up the free food but it was greasy sausage, lips and asshole hotdogs and chicken patties! WTF, and not to mention beer and pop! Are you kidding me?! I don't get why this occurs after races, can someone please explain to me why you would want to drink a beer, and a draft beer after you just run or walked a 5K? Gross!  Anywhos we skipped out on that and then went to the gym to lift.  I was tired already at that point.  No, not from walking, I just didn't feel like lifting, I so desperatly wanted to say fuck it, let's just go back to my boyfriends apartment and be lazy but I pushed through it and even went up in weight in some of my exercises,  I felt better that I lifted but after that and by the time we got back I started to become miserable.

My whole point to this after ranting for a really long paragraph is that I have become so involved in worrying about what I can't eat, I get emotional over it and cry, but why?  Our society is starving, America has tons of homeless people and families that are struggling to put food on the table and live off of pasta and water and here I am ruining my day over the fact that I have to eat clean and healthy.  What is wrong with me?!?!  Regardless, I cried on my way home and ate the deli turkey we bought, more than 3 string cheese, and then got home and killed the rest of the peanut butter.  In the meantime I cooked up some lean beef, chicken and lean sausage for the rest of the week so I know I will be prepared to kill it.

This morning I had to weigh myself and face reality of what had been done and I was happy to see that I was still 127 :)  So on forth to this new day!  Coffee with sugar free peppermint mocha! I have the day off from training but still have work and school.  Have my lunch bag full of the foods I need! Killin it bitches! Killin it!

Guess who's back?

I have not been around in a long time and I feel as if I have neglected all of my followers by not keeping you posted on how my week has been going.  Well first of all I was at 127 yestuerday for my weigh in!  The lowest it has ever been in a LONG time!  I am super excited about it but yet today I have a flip of the switch bitch attack and my best friend and boyfriend can tell just by looking at me that I want to take out a mob on my own.  I don't know exactly what happened but to be honest I don't want to talk about it.  All I want to say is that I am not sure what I did to deserve my boyfriend Taylor.  He has been so supportive, and is always there to make me smile, definitely a keeper :)  Not only him but my best friend Nicole too, I know she has been going through some tough times lately and I was glad to spend some time with her today because we hardly see each other anymore!  She got me one of those solar powered flowers I can put in my car! I LOVE it! Everytime I see it dancing it makes me smile!!  My other shout out will be to Theresa!  You are my text buddy for sure and I absolutely appreciate all of the times you have talked to me when I needed you the most! Thank you!!!!!!!

The past week I have been following a meal plan and I lost 2 pounds, I started practicing my posing and walking, I got an internship at an Elementary/Pre-K school and my boyfriend and I have officially been dating for 2 months. HAHA.  I mean some serious stuff has been going on people!  The meal plan has kept me full, what happened this weekend? Well Saturday went well, I had the wedding, before that my boyfriend and I worked out and I made good choices and scraped the breading off the meat.  I can only imagine the comments people had in the kitchen when seeing that shit. I had a small serving of mashed pots and threw the chocolates across the table after torturing myself with my sense of smell a few times.

  What happened today?  I wasn't prepared and I overate, I was miserable but I didn't allow myself to binge, I cried, I got mean, I am over it.  34 more days and I will be walking across that stage.  I get an off day from lifting tomorrow and I couldn't be happier.  I def need to structure my weekends to be more like the week, it's just harder bc they are nothing like my busy week.  I don't even know how to act when I have nothing to do and I find myself rushing around when I don't need to.

My walking and posing is coming along decently.  I am thinking about bringing my shoes to the gym as per Robin Romero (she's so smart) and walking in the classrooms 86 the bikini. LMAO.  I am trying to add my own spice to it but I am still unsure what turns I am supposed to do so I just do them all and then dance at the end hahha! Hello, I mean it wouldn't be a Talia twist if I didn't dance at least for a 5th of a second!

My internship starts next week!  On Tuesdays I will be doing play therapy with Prek-2nd grade and Thursdays I wikll be at the Elementary school working with kids in 3rd-5th grade doing the brief family therapy sessions.  This age group is one in which I have no experience and I am very excited to get involved.  The school system is very involved with the children and making sure they are getting the best education they can in regards to any disabilities and use a strengths based perspective which is right up my ally.  (Yes, normally I am a very positive individual 95% of the time).  I am thrilled to be under the supervision of two very intelligent and involved individuals and I know it will be a great experience.  I mean hell, I will learn how to do all of these things BEFORE having kids..,..very helpful indeed! 

My goals for this week:

-->Get a new car (Nissan Altima Coupe BITCHES!) ok well lease a new car...whatever..

-->follow my meal plan monday-sunday working harder on the weekends to make sure the meals get taken with me where-ever I go.  I honestly didn't feel at this point in the game that I was rude enough to take my own meal to a wedding (no offense to other people but if I saw someone putting their own food on the plate I paid to put food on, I would be more than a little irritated). 

2 goals is good.  Don't want to be an over achiever!

That's all folks.  I need to get some good sleep tonight!Thanks for playing!

Blame vs. Responsibility

Today in class we got a hand out entitled "Autobiography in Five Short Chapters"  I am not sure where this came from but my Professor, whom is extremely knowledgeable with tons of experience let us keep them.  It goes exactly like this...

1) I walk down the street.

      There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

      I fall in.

      I am lost...Iam hopeless.

            It isn't my fault.

      It takes forever to find a way out

2) I walk down the same street

      There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

      I pretend I don't see it.

      I fall in again.

I can't believe I am in the same place.

            But it isn't my fault.

It still takes a long time to get out.

3) I walk down the same street.

      There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

      I see it is there.

      I still fall in...it's a habit.

            My eyes are open.

            I know where I am.

     It is my responsibility.

     I get out immediately.

4) I walk down the same street.

      There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

      I walk around it.

5) I walk down another street

As I read this I immediately thought of myself.  I know it sounds selfish but I feel as if I am going through a very difficult time trying to piece myself together for this competition that I wanted to do.  I realize that I can no longer and no longer want to place blame on others or circumstances.  I need to take full responsibility for the decisions I make and the consequences that come about them.  All of it about the binging.  In the beginning, just like this little story, I don't even really see the hole there, then when I do I fall in anyways but now I feel like I have finally come to chapter 3 where I learn it is MY responsibility and no one else's.  I am the one walking across that stage in a tiny bikini with 5 inch heels, struttin my stuff, not my trainer, not my mom, not my boyfriend, ME.  I made this goal for myself it's my goal and I take responsibility for achieving it in any way that I can!!!

Being a liar doesn't help anyone

Flashback to yesterday evening with a bowl of cereal, the box and more carb consumption knowing in the morning I should be getting on the scale.  What the fuck am I doing? Talia, you have to weigh in tomorrow and you are eating like this?  What is seriously wrong in your head?  As a matter of fact, where is your head?!?!   I think to myself yeah, I am not weighing myself tomorrow and even if I do, I will just tell my trainer I was 129.  It will be fine, I will just lie and then shape my shit up the next week and be back where I am supposed to be.  I go to bed, feeling like I usually do after eating more than I should and wondering if I am ever going to learn.  I did get on the scale and I am too embarssed to even say what it was, obviously not on track, I internally panic but do not let it get to me.  I have a good breakfast and get ready to hit the gym.  As I am driving, the thoughts start flying.  Ok, so if he texts me and asks, I will ignore him for awhile and then maybe he will forget. No. that will never work, ok lie.  I have to lie, I have fucked up again and if he knows anything about it I am doomed, I just dug my own grave, I will not walk across that stage and I will have dissappointed everyone.  The text comes and it's in regards to a question I asked the day before.  Phew..in the clear.  Another incoming text, FUCK.  What's my weight.  At this point, I keep driving, he never asked, the text isn't there, I am sleeping.  FUCK. I facebook stalked already.  

I can't lie, what am I gaining from any of this if I lie to him?  I can't lie...it's just not in my blood,..anymore.  I did plenty of adolescent lying for the whole neighborhood, funny though I never got away with anything.  ::HUGE SIGN:: I texted him and told him he didn't want to know what my weight was, not sure what else I said something about my suit being on the way, I don't remember, my heart was pounding.  He didn't say anything for a long time.  When this occurs with him it usually means he's pissed, and rightfully so, his client will just not listen to him, what's wrong with her?!?!  At this point my mind is blank, I am a failure.

I get to the gym, text my good friend that I never met Theresa and say to her that I am disappointed in myself and it was at this moment, as I was texting her that I started to cry, in the locker room, before a really lengthy workout.  I am disappointed in myself, I am, this whole time it hasn't been about disappointing others but selfish me.  After I picked up pieces of myself off the nasty floor I went and had a killer workout.  I got many encouraging words back from Theresa and  from my boyfriend as well.  I do not know what I would do if these individuals were not in my life.  I look at myself and through this journey feel as if I could have given it more than I gave, that when I walk across that stage I will not be able to say I met every single goal and that maybe I didn't have enough willpower but I am told otherwise and for this I am greatly appreciated.

I have decided to finally let my trainer write me a meal plan that I can just look at and follow, yes, I am going over to the dark side of robotics.  I should have just trued this from the very beginning but stubborn Talia had something to prove that was never going to work.  Was told over and over by many other competitors the key is planning meals.  Yeah right...I can do it without doing that, watch me I would say in the back of my mind.  Well here I am today, telling you the story about how I cried over the disappointment in myself, the realization that I have to do things that are not comfortable to me and make sacrifices for the goals I make for myself.  

Here is to the next 6 weeks of pure challenge.  I apologize ahead of time if you get in the middle of my wrath of carb depletion, just know in this situation it really isn't you...it's ME!

Influencing humans one at a time

Holy fuckin abs girl whoever you are!  I think your name is Tara!  Excellent work my friend!  Before I begin, I would like to complain that I worked a double, made more money in tips on Carside ToGo than I did serving tables!  So what your saying is that people who come in their cars, don't get out of them appreciate me more than all the effort I put into serving you?!  I am highly confused by this concept so if anyone would like to give this a shot and toss me an explanation I would greatly appreciate it! After the shift, and tanning, yeah whatever- don't judge me, I feel better about myself when I am darker, don't we all? Oh shit, maybe it is just me.  Basically, Wegman's own3d me and I spent 95% of my tips on shit for my mouth hahaa literally..I bought food and dental care!  

Currently there is an 8 x8 pan of healthy version fudge in my freezer and you are damn right thinking I will wait the whole 2-3 prescribed hours to try them! I can't wait!  They smell so fucking good I almost made someone else lick the spoons and bowl to tell me how good it was.  That's right bitches, I didn't even lick the spoon and part of it was peanut butter! Imagine that! Talia, not licking the spoons?! WHAT? who the fuck are you?!  

Let's stop talking about me and move to on to this really cool guy named Taylor.  For whatever reason (I was never told) one day he just appeared in my life and my insides said something along the lines of-you-better-make-some-kind-of-ballsy-move-on-this-hottie-or-you-will-regret-it.  I am beyond words ecstatic that I have met, gotten to know and have him in my life.  He has shown me in just this small amount of time being together that he is willing to take of challenges that not many people would even dare to do (yes, I mean eating healthy and working out- it is kind of sad to have to say I know a handful of people who really just do not care).  ..

Anyways, my dreams seriously came true today when I received a text from him telling me how he has decided to do a competition next year!!!!!!!!!!  At first I questioned it, yeah riiight..it's a big joke, who wakes up one day and wants to deprive themselves of the most delicious foods in the world?  Nope, def not a joke and I couldn't be any happier that I can say my boyfriend and I are doing a competition together and TOGETHER not against each other.  He has been such an enormous help to me thus far, I started with being sort of vague on what I was doing because I was scared that it would more than likely end whatever we started.  The way I saw it was that no matter what we think, reality is that in America, we make eating and drinking a HUGE part of our lives and for someone to limit and even eliminate things in these two categories is like looking at an object that was buried 46367 million years ago that we have no idea what the hell it is or does.  The sincerity of my boyfriends actions make me appreciate having him more and more each day.  It means a lot when thoughts, words and actions are all congruent with each other especially coming from a significant other.  I have been yearning for someone like this to come into my world but all I ever got were douche bag, tight shirt wearing dudes that don't know anything past an intermediate level vocabulary.

I am lucky and I know it and I will be doing everything I can to make sure this journey goes where it is supposed to!  I am looking forward to this new chapter in my life and I have never been happier.  I feel it when I am working, I always hated going to work to serve and now I actually enjoy it.  I smile more, I laugh more, I'm more positive, I'm healthier.....and I am enjoying life  :)   

Ok I am done being sappy now...just a little longer and I can tap into that fudge!!!!   YUMMM!!!

As I walk through the valley

I am my fitspo today! Looking at these 2 picture side by side really does show how amazing it is when you put in the work.  Today is going to be a very challenging day as it is a holiday.  Yeah, whatever it's only Labor Day, nothing magnificent like Christmas or even Thanksgiving (we will talk more about this later) but my family is having a party and so there will be a plethora of food, 85% of which Talia can no longer consume :( 

Now the major problem is the only person who truly knows how I eat is my boyfriend.  I am more than excited to say that he is coming with me today and I am thrilled for him to meet my family but also keep tabs on my hands and mouth.  Yesterday we went food shopping and it was the most hilarious thing in the worst as we pass by all of this processed food through the isles of looking for random stuff like peanut butter and low sodium tomato sauce that we stop for a moment and just drool at the things we know we should not be/can't eat.  Fruity pebbles....Keebler's soft cookies with the candy pieces inside....ice cream.....holy shit I think I just slipped on my own pile of drool.  We continue on and purchase the items we need to make healthy and smart choices.  After we get back to his apartment we made the best flatout pizzas EVER..wait didn't something happen before that? HAHA They were DELICIOUS!!!!  Of course afterward we both indulge in some apple pie!  Even more amazing!!! Not quite the same thing though...extra dessert delights RULE!  

Earlier, while the pizza's were cooking I was doing my usual facebook stalking and getting my internet consumption in for the day and came across the Yahoo! article about the 15 worst burgers in the world.  Needless to say I ruined a few what was once thought as delicious meals and turned them into sluggish, lazy food.  Seriously though, it got me thinking, how do I feel when I over consume shit like that? Like shit!  Although the body craves foods like this because we have been raised in an American Society to believe that these are foods we need bc the industry purposefully makes them palatable it does not help our bodies at all.  Thanksgiving is hands down my favorite holiday and no matter how far I go into this fitness world I will always go to bed with a stomach that looks like I am 4 months pregnant.  This is no longer the way I want to live on a weekly basis though, I no longer want to feel the sluggish awful feeling of consuming too many unhealthy foods in one sitting.  It's not helping me reach my goals and I know I may slip a few times but every time I do I learn more and more that as delicious as the foods really do taste ( I will never down play this fact) I have bigger plans!

Have an awesome labor day! Time to hit the iron!!!

Dirty table for four please?

Hmm this chick is seriously changing all of the thoughts I previously had of myself needing to be tan in order to showcase my definition.  Well, I guess if I had 5% body fat like shit did I wouldn't need a tan either ::rolls eyes::  Before I get into what my Title for today is I must say that first of all I am aggravated right now because I am hungry!!!!!  Uncomfortable feeling it is, knowing I can no longer consumer any more calories for the day makes me want to punch things I shouldn't be punching! Tomorrow is my weigh in and there is no beating around the bush, considering it isn't that big to begin with.  Not only did I fuck up this week but I am getting my monthly gift soon.  Yeah fuckin right, seriously who decided to start using that line anyways?  Here's to pointless tears and excess bloat...BLAHP

My meals for today is as follows:

\Meal 1 645am- Yes, I was up early to get in my workout-GO ME~- 2 slices ezekial bread, 4 ounces chicken, 4 strawberries with some no calorie syrup sauce,1 slice canadian bacon

Meal 2-1045ish- 4 ounces chicken, 4 ounces pico de gallo, 1 hard boilked egg, 1 celery

Meal 3- 230- I could feel myself getting angry bc I wasn't able to eat bc we were busy- 4 ounces chicken, 4 ounces pico, 3 celery, 1 hard boiled egg

Meal 4- 430- about 6 ounces chicken, ok I didn't really weigh it because I was portioning out 10 pounds into 4 ounce baggies and I was hungry, so i also had a bowl of lettuce (about 8 ounces) and a half a carrot --Jesus no wonder it's 930 and I want to eat a limb--

Meal 5- 9pm pieced this shit together- 1 string cheese, almonds, 2 ounces chicken and a seriously -stale- but- I -ate -it -anyway -because -it- was- chocolate-rice cake

Ending the day with approx 1421/37/87/181

Please don't give up on me trainer! Please?!

Now let's talk about this title.  It is beyond my deepest synapses as to why you would come into a restaurant and go directly towards the table that has no place mats, napkins or silverware when all of the rest of them DO!  What makes this a wise choice to sit?  Wouldn't you look around and say hmm, all of the rest of the tables are set up, and look so welcoming, but this one, yes this one with nothing on it seems better because that will mean the waitress will get annoyed with us immediately and we can tip her bad bc she is being a bitch.  WRONG!  THIS ONE IS DIRTY! I so firmly state! 

Rewind to the table that walked in before them clearly from Darien Lake (wristband gave it away) had wings and pizza and with a $31 some odd change bill were happy to leave me with $1.85.  Let me tell you right now, servers make $5.50 an hour.  YES! that's 5 dollars and 50 cents, no, that is not even near minimum wage and so this is why we require you to leave us a good tip (especially if we deserve it).  How can you not know this TREMENDOUSLY IMPORTANT piece of information?!  This is how the world of service works, we give you want you want in exchange for a good tip to make up for the lack of hourly wage we receive.  I mean it's really not that hard of a concept and if you think that all servers make the same in every country, you are wrong.  Do not assume that because the servers in Canada make minimum wage that those in the U.S. of A do as well..because...WE DON'T!! If you honestly do not have the money to tip someone but spend money like you do, you need to stay in your damn tent and cook the fuckin bag of hotdogs you brought when you first arrived.  Thank you.  That is all