OA

I need to be my own motivation and fitspo! I need to stop wishing I could look like all the girls I post pictures of and start doing what I need to do to get there.

Disclaimer to my trainer: you are not going to like what you are about to read so you might want to save yourself some heartache and click the X" in the top right hand corner now.......................

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I know you are still reading.  Anyways, it happened at work like it always does, it always has because that is the place where I get bored the most.  I had 3 tables in a two hour time period and then started getting thoughts about eating the walnuts.  I was in a serious 10 minute battle in my head because I knew I shouldn't but maybe I could control it this time, I was cut from taking tables and I was going to be leaving soon and I had all my food with me so I took a handful.  Ruined, that led to other things and the day ended in a binge.  I am not going to sit here and tell you what I ate or how many calories I think I consumed because it doesn't matter.  What matters is that the problem is bigger than I think.  I have an eating disorder and I need help.  Since I do not have money to see a therapist nor do I have the time to drive to one, I figured I might start looking for meetings or something that can help me because what I am doing now is not helping.  Don't get me wrong, all the peoples support I have is great and I have so many people in my phone I could have texted but it is beyond that.  It was beyond a simple text to someone sayying "omg I did it again" it was like this time I got myself into the mess and I didn't want anyone to know or try to talk me out of it because it wouldn't have worked.

I found OA, Overeaters Anonymous and attended my first online meeting last night at midnight.  It was an hour long and it was people sharing stories and at the end just talking like AA meetings.  OA works exactly like AA meetings and even has a 12 step program which luckily for me starts again October 1st.  

When I first started training for this bikini competition, binge eating was my main concern.  It was something I was doing that I didn't want to do anymore and now it has gotten to the point where it has taken over my life and my thoughts are constantly about food.  The OA does not judge or try to talk me out of competing which I think a therapist would have tried to do considering being a competitor involves giving up certain foods.  That is not what I want, I want to compete, I don't want to binge.  SO I am doing this for me, I don't have to have anyone's approval and I don't care what others might think because again, I know I need something more.  I started posting things, trying to find a sponsor and just working my way around all of the plethora of information on the internet on www.therecoverygroup.org or is it .com.  Whatever it is I plan on attending as many meetings as I can and then starting the 12 steps on October 1st!

I am happy for myself that I have found this information on my own and doing this for myself.  I no longer will talk about my eating habits to anyone unless they are asking, I don't want to focus my life around food anymore!!!!

Just keep swimming...

Today I woke up, got on the scale and the scale immediately put me in a crabby patty mood.  It didn't budge from last week and I know why.  It sucks that at this point it is brutally honest with me whether I like it or not but it sorta reaches out and slaps me in times like this.  I went to the gym for my chest/back/cardio workout and I really didn't want to be there.  I wanted to be somewhere in secret, eating all the foods I can't have but I shut my evil binge voice up and got in a great workout.  It wasn't until 1/2 hour into my cardio that I finally felt awake.

I got out of work late and I decided to stay home instead of going to see my boyfriend which was a really tough decision but by the time I would have been done packing everything and drove out there it would have been past midnight.  I feel awful, I miss him so much and we don't get to spend a lot of time together so I feel like I robbed our relationship of quality time :(  I just know myself though and if I don't get much sleep I am cranky and being sleepless + carb-less does not equal a really happy girlfriend.  What do you mean not much sleep? You know what I mean :) I'd rather be fresh and alert!  I guess in the end he should be damn glad I am not smothering him and getting annoying to the point of too much Talia. HA! who am I kidding, you can never have too much Talia in you life ;)

So those pics are my 4 weeks out pics and as I put them on my computer and was looking at them I got seriously discouraged and mad.  Looking at that fat above my hips and thinking, wow, maybe if I wouldn't have fucked up so much along the way that wouldn't be there :(  LUCKILY Robin Romero came to my rescue and told me it was ok, to just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swimming, swimming! HAHHA I fucking love you girl!!!  

I named my car Alana and I am thrilled to spend some time with my boyfriend tomorrow so I want to post this, get ready for bed and wake up fresh and ready for a great day!

Meal 1- 4 eggs, 2 whites, 2 slices cheese, 3 tsp coffeemate creamer.  Seriously this peppermint mocha creamer is like an orgasm in my coffee every morning and every morning I look forward to this treat!

Meal 2- 1 lean beef patty, 1 serving sugar peas, 100 calorie almonds

Meal 3- 3 ounces rotisserie chicken, 85 grams romaine, 100 calorie almonds

Meal 4- 3 ounces rotisserie chicken, 3/4 pound lettuce, 1 string cheese

Meal 5- 5 ounces chicken

1486/79/42/157

PeACE OUT~~

Why do we binge?

First of all I want to start off this blog by telling you about my day.  It was beyond difficult, it was excruciating, I told myself that from 30 days out I needed to do what I need to do to get stage ready and be confident in that little pink bikini and today, feeling uncomfortable and feeling hungry but not really knowing if it was hunger or another emotion, finding other things to do instead of thinking about food is hard.  I want to shout out to a few of my girls, Amelia, Audrey, Chelsea, Robin and Theresa.  I have never officially met a single one of you but each of you have come into my life for a reason.  This blog is inspired by Theresa because we started talking about why us, what makes us do this? when did this all start? I have theories that were too long to explain over 160 characters.  I was helped a ton by Amelia today and stuck to my meal plan kicking and screaming the whole day!  Robin, I must thank you also today for being there to tell me about the Tiramisu pancakes when my hand wanted to go into the walnut bin! I am so lucky to have all of you in my life and THANK YOU!

Meal 1-4 eggs, 2 whites, 2 slices weight watcher cheese, 3 tsp creamer- this morning meal seems to hold me over well, pre workout, I know I will get to eat when I get to work so this isn;t the part of the day that's hard at all.

Meal 2- 5 ounces chicken, 1 serving sugar peas, 100 calorie pack of almonds, 12:00 noon

Fast forward to about 145 and I am pretty sure I texted Robin at this point.  Seriously not even 2 hours later and I am hungry again, or am I bored, ok maybe I am bored.  Do some dishes.  Nope, still hungry, I try to reason with myself.  Just have a handful of walnuts and then that will be it.  My reasoning comes back at me, HELL TO THE NO, TALIA VANCE! Don't even do it...fine......fuck....do more dishes

Meal 3- FINALLY- 245, couldn't wait the full 3 hours, close enough! 1 lean burger patty, 2 slices cheese, 1 servings sugar peas. Wow....whatdoyaknow, I am STILL hungry

Meal 4- 5 ounces chicken and 1 bag of romaine...god this is boring! At this point it's only like 530pm and I am already over it.

Meal 5- 3 ounces chicken

1484/65/50/174

  The whole time I have been texting my girls and eventually I realize I have done it! I stayed on my plan!  I over came many opportunities to screw it up and I didn't do it!  It was hard, I hate the feeling of not being able to do what I want but what I want is to see results, get on stage and be as sexy as I can be and I KNOW binging or over eating or eating a shit load of nuts isn't going to make me feel any better!

BINGING:

My fitness routine started, oh I don't know...back in 2006 with my ex boyfriend, I was chunky, I wanted to lose weight so I hit the gym, I started going on fitness websites, I start posting on forums, buying Oxygen magazine, years went by, I became a personal trainer and obsessed even more.  It is somewhere along this continuum that binging occured and here is what I think is the reasoning behind it....

When we want to lose weight we restrict calories, we take foods out that we know aren't "good" for us.  We stop eating the "bad" foods.  At one point I read Lyle McDonald's "Guide to Flexible Dieting" and in this composition he explained it to a tee.  If you ever get the chance, read it, I am sure you will agree.  Basically what he says is that when we try to diet/change our body composition etc that we restrict, we don't allow ourselves to have certain things, we label food as good and bad and eventually we become rigid.  We say ok, I am going to give 100%, I won't eat X,Y,and Z at all.  Ok, so you eat X, then you eat Y and then say fuck it, mind as well eat Z.  Then the feelings of guilt come through, even as soon as you put the X in your mouth, you start to think, shit I fell off, I am not being 100%, I mind as well just eat everything else I couldn't have and start over again tomorrow.  You do great for a week and then you crave chocolate, so you eat it, the feelings come back and you go for more things you deprived yourself of.

Basically, I think people binge because they have learned to label foods as good and bad and take the bad out completely when in reality it is hard to give them up forever.  Now, I am NOT saying it can't be done and I am not saying everyone will think the same way but I do not think it's a matter of how we feel towards our bodies.  I love my body, I know I have changes I want to make but when I am in a binging mode, I KNOW exactly what I am doing, how I am feeling and what it will be like after.  Stopping it is the hardest thing to do, controlling it is even harder but I really believe the reason behind it to begin with is the start of dieting and thinking that you can't have certain things. 

Think about it this way, if a miracle were to happen over night and I didn't know it occurred but I knew something was different what would that be?  I wouldn't be a binger, I would have learned how to eat things in moderation, I would not label things as bad or good and therefore nothing would be considered off limits.  Unfortunately when we go to this route, want to be healthy etc yes obviously we know their are healthy foods and not so healthy foods but don't you think if we didn't give them labels that we wouldn't be binging on them??  I think this is key, but it;s hard living in a society that has clearly set labels on certain food items which don't get me wrong again, they are bad, but maybe we could label them differently.  Unhealthy even? What if we started exercising and eating right and didn't look at it as a DIET, I think that would also change things too,

I am getting my Masters degree in Social Work and eating disorders is the area I want to end up in.  I want to one day have a practice that focuses on binge eating because I think we all feel like we are alone, we don't talk to anyone about it because if you don't do it you simply just don't understand it.  You don't understand how it starts, and once we start you can't possible understand why I know what I am doing but I continue to do it anyways.  I think many people struggle, especially those doing competitions and I can't wait to be an expert, be on all sides and help people in the future overcome this..but first.....I must learn how to over come it on my own...

Wrong decisions and chick gyms

Is it just me or when it comes to making responsible decisions I always make the wrong ones?  I am not saying I always make the wrong choices (bc I know I don't-remember how Taylor ended up in my life? see good decision ) but it's always the little things that get the bigger sting.  WHATEVER.  Not going to let it linger in my head, I skipped the last half of class and we handed stuff in but Miss. Talia was not there to hand her stuff in.  Deal with it when it comes up later.

Rant #2- so two days a week the closest gym is the woman's club version of our co-ed gym and today I realized once again why I HATE working out at women's clubs.  They never have any of the equipment I need!  I managed to get by because I know alternate exercises but this is going to be a huge issue when let's say one of these days falls on a leg day and I can't do my barbell squats.  I hate the smith machine!  :(  They don't have cables at this club either.  Seriously. I mean this gym was designed for women who go to the gym just so they can say they went not to actually get results apparently.  The free weight area is the size of a bathroom and these old women just think they can get all up in ur area and do exercises that won't do a damn thing for them! EXCUSE ME! I was using that, PUT IT DOWN!

Nothing else I can see I need to complain about.

Since I am 30 days out I will write out my meals for ya'll and despite having to work around some issues at the woman's club I had a GREAT shoulder/bicep/tricep workout:

Meal 1- 4 eggs, 2 whites, 2 slices ww chz, 3 tsp sugar free coffeemate

Meal 2- 5 ounces chicken, 1 serving sugar peas, 100 calorie nuts, 1 string cheese

Meal 3- 1 lean burger, 1 serving sugar peas, 100 calorie nuts

Meal 4- 4 ounces rotisserie chicken, 1 serving romaine

Meal 5- 5 ounces chicken
1519/74/37/179
and 16 glasses of boring water

and...?? still hungry but hittin the pillow soon!

PeAce!

The 10 minute, minute

Can someone please explain to me why when the washing machine says "1" minute it really means like 5?  FOR REAL? WTF..get on with the spinning and be DONE! In an hour and 20 minutes I can officially say I have 1 month left until my competition and to that I say a jaw dropping..SHIT!  Let me just say "fuck the holes"  and I would really wear a T-shirt that says such, especially at t co-ed gym! BAHAHA

Well, I came more than prepared when I left my house the other day with my 6 bags all filled to their max with my overnight clothes, gym clothes, shower stuff, competition bikini, AND food since I was sleeping at my boyfriends and I wanted to be prepared.  Well I guess I hate broccoli because eating it raw makes me want to punch people in the face or pour ranch dressing all over it to the point where it no longer has any nutritional value.  By 3:00 I was eating the walnuts I swore myself off which then became a really ridiculous domino game of traveling to fry side for pecans and cranberries and then having some oreos too.  Yeah, fuck it, you are only doing a competition in 31 days, you know, skimpy bikini, 76587 eye balls staring and critiquing you, I am sure you won't wonder why you placed last as you pick oreo crumbs out of your teeth ...seriously now?  Ok..fuck it..walk over to walmart..what do I want? dried fruit, chocolate covered raisins, a small weight watchers ice cream and some chocolate peanut butter, diet orange soda, CHECK! In the meantime I text my girl Theresa to tell her I pulled up the anchor on the fail boat and began sailing.  Luckily, this girl cares so much about me she talked me out of eating everything (ok except the chocolate peanut butter, because as I was eating it I was feeling sorry for myself, feeling dumb, feeling angry and annoyed and aggravated and still had not decided to go all the way binge).  I am soooo thankful for her help because she stopped me and really made me think of what the hell I was doing?!

This isn't easy stuff folks, it's something different, it's something challenging, it's not of the "norm" and I am starting to think making any more promises to my readers will be like crying wolf..BUT.....I swear swear swear...please believe me...these last 30 days I will give it all I have and I am sorry ahead of time for those who will be getting daily texts ranting and bitching and wondering why I can't be like Mr. Spankypants and just deal with it :) right Robin?  :)  Love all of you ladies!!!

Heaven in my cup

I would just like to take a moment this morning and reflect on the events of yesterday.  I do not like to go back in time but I would really like to make a good point about how I felt and how I got so upset yesterday.  When I was confronted by my boyfriend about what was really going on I felt ridiculous admitting to the fact that it was food related.  I was hungry, I didn't make breakfast before the run, instead I had the remainder of the almonds I bought with a diet orange soda thinking I would be ok.  I was for the time being and I had my laptop so I distracted myself with some morning facebook stalking.  My friend came and got me for our 5K walk, yes we walked, WHATEVER, IDC, running and I don't get along with my Grandma knees.  After we thought we might hit up the free food but it was greasy sausage, lips and asshole hotdogs and chicken patties! WTF, and not to mention beer and pop! Are you kidding me?! I don't get why this occurs after races, can someone please explain to me why you would want to drink a beer, and a draft beer after you just run or walked a 5K? Gross!  Anywhos we skipped out on that and then went to the gym to lift.  I was tired already at that point.  No, not from walking, I just didn't feel like lifting, I so desperatly wanted to say fuck it, let's just go back to my boyfriends apartment and be lazy but I pushed through it and even went up in weight in some of my exercises,  I felt better that I lifted but after that and by the time we got back I started to become miserable.

My whole point to this after ranting for a really long paragraph is that I have become so involved in worrying about what I can't eat, I get emotional over it and cry, but why?  Our society is starving, America has tons of homeless people and families that are struggling to put food on the table and live off of pasta and water and here I am ruining my day over the fact that I have to eat clean and healthy.  What is wrong with me?!?!  Regardless, I cried on my way home and ate the deli turkey we bought, more than 3 string cheese, and then got home and killed the rest of the peanut butter.  In the meantime I cooked up some lean beef, chicken and lean sausage for the rest of the week so I know I will be prepared to kill it.

This morning I had to weigh myself and face reality of what had been done and I was happy to see that I was still 127 :)  So on forth to this new day!  Coffee with sugar free peppermint mocha! I have the day off from training but still have work and school.  Have my lunch bag full of the foods I need! Killin it bitches! Killin it!

Guess who's back?

I have not been around in a long time and I feel as if I have neglected all of my followers by not keeping you posted on how my week has been going.  Well first of all I was at 127 yestuerday for my weigh in!  The lowest it has ever been in a LONG time!  I am super excited about it but yet today I have a flip of the switch bitch attack and my best friend and boyfriend can tell just by looking at me that I want to take out a mob on my own.  I don't know exactly what happened but to be honest I don't want to talk about it.  All I want to say is that I am not sure what I did to deserve my boyfriend Taylor.  He has been so supportive, and is always there to make me smile, definitely a keeper :)  Not only him but my best friend Nicole too, I know she has been going through some tough times lately and I was glad to spend some time with her today because we hardly see each other anymore!  She got me one of those solar powered flowers I can put in my car! I LOVE it! Everytime I see it dancing it makes me smile!!  My other shout out will be to Theresa!  You are my text buddy for sure and I absolutely appreciate all of the times you have talked to me when I needed you the most! Thank you!!!!!!!

The past week I have been following a meal plan and I lost 2 pounds, I started practicing my posing and walking, I got an internship at an Elementary/Pre-K school and my boyfriend and I have officially been dating for 2 months. HAHA.  I mean some serious stuff has been going on people!  The meal plan has kept me full, what happened this weekend? Well Saturday went well, I had the wedding, before that my boyfriend and I worked out and I made good choices and scraped the breading off the meat.  I can only imagine the comments people had in the kitchen when seeing that shit. I had a small serving of mashed pots and threw the chocolates across the table after torturing myself with my sense of smell a few times.

  What happened today?  I wasn't prepared and I overate, I was miserable but I didn't allow myself to binge, I cried, I got mean, I am over it.  34 more days and I will be walking across that stage.  I get an off day from lifting tomorrow and I couldn't be happier.  I def need to structure my weekends to be more like the week, it's just harder bc they are nothing like my busy week.  I don't even know how to act when I have nothing to do and I find myself rushing around when I don't need to.

My walking and posing is coming along decently.  I am thinking about bringing my shoes to the gym as per Robin Romero (she's so smart) and walking in the classrooms 86 the bikini. LMAO.  I am trying to add my own spice to it but I am still unsure what turns I am supposed to do so I just do them all and then dance at the end hahha! Hello, I mean it wouldn't be a Talia twist if I didn't dance at least for a 5th of a second!

My internship starts next week!  On Tuesdays I will be doing play therapy with Prek-2nd grade and Thursdays I wikll be at the Elementary school working with kids in 3rd-5th grade doing the brief family therapy sessions.  This age group is one in which I have no experience and I am very excited to get involved.  The school system is very involved with the children and making sure they are getting the best education they can in regards to any disabilities and use a strengths based perspective which is right up my ally.  (Yes, normally I am a very positive individual 95% of the time).  I am thrilled to be under the supervision of two very intelligent and involved individuals and I know it will be a great experience.  I mean hell, I will learn how to do all of these things BEFORE having kids..,..very helpful indeed! 

My goals for this week:

-->Get a new car (Nissan Altima Coupe BITCHES!) ok well lease a new car...whatever..

-->follow my meal plan monday-sunday working harder on the weekends to make sure the meals get taken with me where-ever I go.  I honestly didn't feel at this point in the game that I was rude enough to take my own meal to a wedding (no offense to other people but if I saw someone putting their own food on the plate I paid to put food on, I would be more than a little irritated). 

2 goals is good.  Don't want to be an over achiever!

That's all folks.  I need to get some good sleep tonight!Thanks for playing!

Blame vs. Responsibility

Today in class we got a hand out entitled "Autobiography in Five Short Chapters"  I am not sure where this came from but my Professor, whom is extremely knowledgeable with tons of experience let us keep them.  It goes exactly like this...

1) I walk down the street.

      There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

      I fall in.

      I am lost...Iam hopeless.

            It isn't my fault.

      It takes forever to find a way out

2) I walk down the same street

      There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

      I pretend I don't see it.

      I fall in again.

I can't believe I am in the same place.

            But it isn't my fault.

It still takes a long time to get out.

3) I walk down the same street.

      There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

      I see it is there.

      I still fall in...it's a habit.

            My eyes are open.

            I know where I am.

     It is my responsibility.

     I get out immediately.

4) I walk down the same street.

      There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

      I walk around it.

5) I walk down another street

As I read this I immediately thought of myself.  I know it sounds selfish but I feel as if I am going through a very difficult time trying to piece myself together for this competition that I wanted to do.  I realize that I can no longer and no longer want to place blame on others or circumstances.  I need to take full responsibility for the decisions I make and the consequences that come about them.  All of it about the binging.  In the beginning, just like this little story, I don't even really see the hole there, then when I do I fall in anyways but now I feel like I have finally come to chapter 3 where I learn it is MY responsibility and no one else's.  I am the one walking across that stage in a tiny bikini with 5 inch heels, struttin my stuff, not my trainer, not my mom, not my boyfriend, ME.  I made this goal for myself it's my goal and I take responsibility for achieving it in any way that I can!!!

Being a liar doesn't help anyone

Flashback to yesterday evening with a bowl of cereal, the box and more carb consumption knowing in the morning I should be getting on the scale.  What the fuck am I doing? Talia, you have to weigh in tomorrow and you are eating like this?  What is seriously wrong in your head?  As a matter of fact, where is your head?!?!   I think to myself yeah, I am not weighing myself tomorrow and even if I do, I will just tell my trainer I was 129.  It will be fine, I will just lie and then shape my shit up the next week and be back where I am supposed to be.  I go to bed, feeling like I usually do after eating more than I should and wondering if I am ever going to learn.  I did get on the scale and I am too embarssed to even say what it was, obviously not on track, I internally panic but do not let it get to me.  I have a good breakfast and get ready to hit the gym.  As I am driving, the thoughts start flying.  Ok, so if he texts me and asks, I will ignore him for awhile and then maybe he will forget. No. that will never work, ok lie.  I have to lie, I have fucked up again and if he knows anything about it I am doomed, I just dug my own grave, I will not walk across that stage and I will have dissappointed everyone.  The text comes and it's in regards to a question I asked the day before.  Phew..in the clear.  Another incoming text, FUCK.  What's my weight.  At this point, I keep driving, he never asked, the text isn't there, I am sleeping.  FUCK. I facebook stalked already.  

I can't lie, what am I gaining from any of this if I lie to him?  I can't lie...it's just not in my blood,..anymore.  I did plenty of adolescent lying for the whole neighborhood, funny though I never got away with anything.  ::HUGE SIGN:: I texted him and told him he didn't want to know what my weight was, not sure what else I said something about my suit being on the way, I don't remember, my heart was pounding.  He didn't say anything for a long time.  When this occurs with him it usually means he's pissed, and rightfully so, his client will just not listen to him, what's wrong with her?!?!  At this point my mind is blank, I am a failure.

I get to the gym, text my good friend that I never met Theresa and say to her that I am disappointed in myself and it was at this moment, as I was texting her that I started to cry, in the locker room, before a really lengthy workout.  I am disappointed in myself, I am, this whole time it hasn't been about disappointing others but selfish me.  After I picked up pieces of myself off the nasty floor I went and had a killer workout.  I got many encouraging words back from Theresa and  from my boyfriend as well.  I do not know what I would do if these individuals were not in my life.  I look at myself and through this journey feel as if I could have given it more than I gave, that when I walk across that stage I will not be able to say I met every single goal and that maybe I didn't have enough willpower but I am told otherwise and for this I am greatly appreciated.

I have decided to finally let my trainer write me a meal plan that I can just look at and follow, yes, I am going over to the dark side of robotics.  I should have just trued this from the very beginning but stubborn Talia had something to prove that was never going to work.  Was told over and over by many other competitors the key is planning meals.  Yeah right...I can do it without doing that, watch me I would say in the back of my mind.  Well here I am today, telling you the story about how I cried over the disappointment in myself, the realization that I have to do things that are not comfortable to me and make sacrifices for the goals I make for myself.  

Here is to the next 6 weeks of pure challenge.  I apologize ahead of time if you get in the middle of my wrath of carb depletion, just know in this situation it really isn't you...it's ME!

Influencing humans one at a time

Holy fuckin abs girl whoever you are!  I think your name is Tara!  Excellent work my friend!  Before I begin, I would like to complain that I worked a double, made more money in tips on Carside ToGo than I did serving tables!  So what your saying is that people who come in their cars, don't get out of them appreciate me more than all the effort I put into serving you?!  I am highly confused by this concept so if anyone would like to give this a shot and toss me an explanation I would greatly appreciate it! After the shift, and tanning, yeah whatever- don't judge me, I feel better about myself when I am darker, don't we all? Oh shit, maybe it is just me.  Basically, Wegman's own3d me and I spent 95% of my tips on shit for my mouth hahaa literally..I bought food and dental care!  

Currently there is an 8 x8 pan of healthy version fudge in my freezer and you are damn right thinking I will wait the whole 2-3 prescribed hours to try them! I can't wait!  They smell so fucking good I almost made someone else lick the spoons and bowl to tell me how good it was.  That's right bitches, I didn't even lick the spoon and part of it was peanut butter! Imagine that! Talia, not licking the spoons?! WHAT? who the fuck are you?!  

Let's stop talking about me and move to on to this really cool guy named Taylor.  For whatever reason (I was never told) one day he just appeared in my life and my insides said something along the lines of-you-better-make-some-kind-of-ballsy-move-on-this-hottie-or-you-will-regret-it.  I am beyond words ecstatic that I have met, gotten to know and have him in my life.  He has shown me in just this small amount of time being together that he is willing to take of challenges that not many people would even dare to do (yes, I mean eating healthy and working out- it is kind of sad to have to say I know a handful of people who really just do not care).  ..

Anyways, my dreams seriously came true today when I received a text from him telling me how he has decided to do a competition next year!!!!!!!!!!  At first I questioned it, yeah riiight..it's a big joke, who wakes up one day and wants to deprive themselves of the most delicious foods in the world?  Nope, def not a joke and I couldn't be any happier that I can say my boyfriend and I are doing a competition together and TOGETHER not against each other.  He has been such an enormous help to me thus far, I started with being sort of vague on what I was doing because I was scared that it would more than likely end whatever we started.  The way I saw it was that no matter what we think, reality is that in America, we make eating and drinking a HUGE part of our lives and for someone to limit and even eliminate things in these two categories is like looking at an object that was buried 46367 million years ago that we have no idea what the hell it is or does.  The sincerity of my boyfriends actions make me appreciate having him more and more each day.  It means a lot when thoughts, words and actions are all congruent with each other especially coming from a significant other.  I have been yearning for someone like this to come into my world but all I ever got were douche bag, tight shirt wearing dudes that don't know anything past an intermediate level vocabulary.

I am lucky and I know it and I will be doing everything I can to make sure this journey goes where it is supposed to!  I am looking forward to this new chapter in my life and I have never been happier.  I feel it when I am working, I always hated going to work to serve and now I actually enjoy it.  I smile more, I laugh more, I'm more positive, I'm healthier.....and I am enjoying life  :)   

Ok I am done being sappy now...just a little longer and I can tap into that fudge!!!!   YUMMM!!!

As I walk through the valley

I am my fitspo today! Looking at these 2 picture side by side really does show how amazing it is when you put in the work.  Today is going to be a very challenging day as it is a holiday.  Yeah, whatever it's only Labor Day, nothing magnificent like Christmas or even Thanksgiving (we will talk more about this later) but my family is having a party and so there will be a plethora of food, 85% of which Talia can no longer consume :( 

Now the major problem is the only person who truly knows how I eat is my boyfriend.  I am more than excited to say that he is coming with me today and I am thrilled for him to meet my family but also keep tabs on my hands and mouth.  Yesterday we went food shopping and it was the most hilarious thing in the worst as we pass by all of this processed food through the isles of looking for random stuff like peanut butter and low sodium tomato sauce that we stop for a moment and just drool at the things we know we should not be/can't eat.  Fruity pebbles....Keebler's soft cookies with the candy pieces inside....ice cream.....holy shit I think I just slipped on my own pile of drool.  We continue on and purchase the items we need to make healthy and smart choices.  After we get back to his apartment we made the best flatout pizzas EVER..wait didn't something happen before that? HAHA They were DELICIOUS!!!!  Of course afterward we both indulge in some apple pie!  Even more amazing!!! Not quite the same thing though...extra dessert delights RULE!  

Earlier, while the pizza's were cooking I was doing my usual facebook stalking and getting my internet consumption in for the day and came across the Yahoo! article about the 15 worst burgers in the world.  Needless to say I ruined a few what was once thought as delicious meals and turned them into sluggish, lazy food.  Seriously though, it got me thinking, how do I feel when I over consume shit like that? Like shit!  Although the body craves foods like this because we have been raised in an American Society to believe that these are foods we need bc the industry purposefully makes them palatable it does not help our bodies at all.  Thanksgiving is hands down my favorite holiday and no matter how far I go into this fitness world I will always go to bed with a stomach that looks like I am 4 months pregnant.  This is no longer the way I want to live on a weekly basis though, I no longer want to feel the sluggish awful feeling of consuming too many unhealthy foods in one sitting.  It's not helping me reach my goals and I know I may slip a few times but every time I do I learn more and more that as delicious as the foods really do taste ( I will never down play this fact) I have bigger plans!

Have an awesome labor day! Time to hit the iron!!!

Dirty table for four please?

Hmm this chick is seriously changing all of the thoughts I previously had of myself needing to be tan in order to showcase my definition.  Well, I guess if I had 5% body fat like shit did I wouldn't need a tan either ::rolls eyes::  Before I get into what my Title for today is I must say that first of all I am aggravated right now because I am hungry!!!!!  Uncomfortable feeling it is, knowing I can no longer consumer any more calories for the day makes me want to punch things I shouldn't be punching! Tomorrow is my weigh in and there is no beating around the bush, considering it isn't that big to begin with.  Not only did I fuck up this week but I am getting my monthly gift soon.  Yeah fuckin right, seriously who decided to start using that line anyways?  Here's to pointless tears and excess bloat...BLAHP

My meals for today is as follows:

\Meal 1 645am- Yes, I was up early to get in my workout-GO ME~- 2 slices ezekial bread, 4 ounces chicken, 4 strawberries with some no calorie syrup sauce,1 slice canadian bacon

Meal 2-1045ish- 4 ounces chicken, 4 ounces pico de gallo, 1 hard boilked egg, 1 celery

Meal 3- 230- I could feel myself getting angry bc I wasn't able to eat bc we were busy- 4 ounces chicken, 4 ounces pico, 3 celery, 1 hard boiled egg

Meal 4- 430- about 6 ounces chicken, ok I didn't really weigh it because I was portioning out 10 pounds into 4 ounce baggies and I was hungry, so i also had a bowl of lettuce (about 8 ounces) and a half a carrot --Jesus no wonder it's 930 and I want to eat a limb--

Meal 5- 9pm pieced this shit together- 1 string cheese, almonds, 2 ounces chicken and a seriously -stale- but- I -ate -it -anyway -because -it- was- chocolate-rice cake

Ending the day with approx 1421/37/87/181

Please don't give up on me trainer! Please?!

Now let's talk about this title.  It is beyond my deepest synapses as to why you would come into a restaurant and go directly towards the table that has no place mats, napkins or silverware when all of the rest of them DO!  What makes this a wise choice to sit?  Wouldn't you look around and say hmm, all of the rest of the tables are set up, and look so welcoming, but this one, yes this one with nothing on it seems better because that will mean the waitress will get annoyed with us immediately and we can tip her bad bc she is being a bitch.  WRONG!  THIS ONE IS DIRTY! I so firmly state! 

Rewind to the table that walked in before them clearly from Darien Lake (wristband gave it away) had wings and pizza and with a $31 some odd change bill were happy to leave me with $1.85.  Let me tell you right now, servers make $5.50 an hour.  YES! that's 5 dollars and 50 cents, no, that is not even near minimum wage and so this is why we require you to leave us a good tip (especially if we deserve it).  How can you not know this TREMENDOUSLY IMPORTANT piece of information?!  This is how the world of service works, we give you want you want in exchange for a good tip to make up for the lack of hourly wage we receive.  I mean it's really not that hard of a concept and if you think that all servers make the same in every country, you are wrong.  Do not assume that because the servers in Canada make minimum wage that those in the U.S. of A do as well..because...WE DON'T!! If you honestly do not have the money to tip someone but spend money like you do, you need to stay in your damn tent and cook the fuckin bag of hotdogs you brought when you first arrived.  Thank you.  That is all

A big FUCK YOU to NYS

What's better than Fitspo with people I can actually IDENTIFY?! Jen Jewell wbff PRO I see you smack dab in the middle in the back and Neda back row all the way to the left!  All of you girls are such an inspiration to me!

Start rant..now...well wait, first I must warn those who are going to read this, 75% has nothing to do with my fitness/nutrition.  Continuing on.  I am not sure many of you know what an out spoken individual I have become in the past year.  After my boyfriend and I split (almost a year ago-seriously where the hell does time even go anyways?) I have become the person I have always been but was never able to express.  I love this Talia!  She is fun and exciting!  Also, a year ago I started my MSW program at UB and I have been learning a hell of a lot on how to speak out etc etc.  Long story short, my place of employment (I guess I should really leave out the name bc I am pretty sure I signed a contract saying I wouldn't talk shit) started allowing us to personalize our name tags and server books.  Of course I took it a step further and tie dyed my apron and a few other girls followed suit and got colored aprons.  It was seriously exciting to come to work for once.  So the other day 2 of the highest people in that corporation showed up and in leui of over hearing a conversation that we might not be able to wear them anymore, I stepped up to the plate and presented my case on why I think we should be able to keep wearing them.  Obviously not only to the benefit of ourselves expressing individuality but of course it will reflect on the guest experience.  I was rubuttled but then surprisingly a few minutes later was given a challenge and if I succeeded in this challenge not only would our store but other locations be able to personalize their aprons.

I sent out a message via our work communication line, I sent out messages through facebook, I talked this shit up so much I knew I had a good chance at succeeding and had support from most of the staff.  I get to work today and immediately someone says to me "I have some really bad news"  Umm...WHAT THE FUCK..those are not the first words I want to hear walking into work when I haven't even clocked in yet.  Apparantly the NYS DOL has put a stop to us buying our own aprons and up until the point I still don't even understand why but for some reason as to bc then they would basically have to start buying them for us.  UN-FUCKIN-BELIEVABLE.  You are telling me that no NYS has yet again popped my fuckin party bubble?  There are so many things in this state that either take more of your money or ruin a really good idea.  In the end, whatever, I'm not losing sleep over it but seriously, remind me not to get so excited about something like this and actually think it will have the end result I wanted.  Either way, at least the entire staff including management knows I am not afraid to speak up! /rant

Back to my compeition journey.  Killed todays workout and my meals were llike this>:

Meal 1- about 730? 6 ounces chicken, 1/2 scoop whey, 2 slices ezekial bread with a million sprays of butter, and 1/2 cup b lueberries

Meal 2-1130ish- 5 ounces chicken, 4 ounces pico de gallo, 1 celery, 1 egg

Meal 3- 2:30ish-4 ounces chicken, 4 ounces pico, 1 celery, 1 egg

Meal 4-430ish- 4 ounces chicke, 6 ounces romaine, 4 ounces pico, 1 egg

Meal 5- 7:00pm- 10 spears asparagus which I think is starting to go bad and I might have to toss the rest, damn I hate when I buy too many things and dont eat them

Meal 6- 17 slices turkey pepperoni and 2 ounces pork chop

1432/31/84/193

Over again in calories but I am NOT going to sweat it, I am giving it my all finally and I am not stoppin! You can't stop me! Can't stop me!!