2 steps away from Psychosis

I am at the end of the day, I came home and had about 150 more calories to consume and I went over my total for today by about 100 because I had a few more almonds than I should have.  I really was planning on eating chicken, went to the restaurant to grab the extra that I had cooked only to find, to no such amazement, that it was missing. FUCK. Plan B) almonds because I needed the fat.  Get home and find out the chicken is freezing.  Well at least I can be on spot for tomorrow too.

I really will give myself a pat on the back and after hearing my meals for today you can give me a virtual high five because this is the sort of shit that's gonna do me good.

Breakfast-8:00am  I slept at my boyfriends but lucky me, he has healty food in abundance because we shopped which by the way, if you are reading this right now we need to get some more stuff).  I had 2 slices of wheat toast, 4 ounces of chicken and a half scoop whey with my coffee.

Meal 2 was post workout: 12:00- 4 ounces of chicken, 4 ounces of pico de gallo, 1 celery, 1 hard boiled egg, 1 green pepper all mixed together, chopped up with some red wine vinegar.  I had to think out what I could use for the fat aspect of this meal and knew I had to come up with something other than nuts or cheese considering we have no low fat cheese in the restrautn (pretty sick, isn't it? I think so)

Meal 3- 2:00 sort of the same deal, 4 ounces chicken, 1/2 hard boiled egg, 4 ounces pico de gallo, 2 celery, 4 ounces grape toms, no vinegar just chopped uo.

Meal 4-4:30-5  6-8 ounces chicken, 6 ounces romaine, 4 ounces pico, 1 celery, 1/2 hard boiled egg

Meal 5- 10pm- Had class and I should have had one more round of chicken with me but oh well.  I ended the day with 1451/41/94/168 and 16 glasses of water.

So why am I 2 steps away from psychosis?  I want to eat MORE!! NOOOOOOWWWW!!!! This is the hardest part, I wasn't even hungry until I got home, well ok, I was hungry a little bit before that but thoughts of food didn't dance around in my head until I got home knowing there is food everywhere.  I do not want food to control me, I need to get out of this comfort zone I have created with food and binging and everyday I make my own choices and I do not want to choice a path that will lead myself into another binge and feeling like shit and worrying about whether or not I can walk across that stage.  It is time for me to start making the right choices towards being able to walk across the stage! DAMN IT~~~

Road trip of life

Several months ago I would have used the last day of the month as an excuse to do stupid things because life would give me a fresh start tomorrow.  Well, unfortunately I have tripped up so many times in life that I am past that.  I need to use today to prove to myself that I can walk across that stage on October 22nd.  I currently fear the wrath of my trainer for having so many set backs along the way that if I do not change things fast that I may not be able to achieve my goal and I can not let that happen.  The only things I have quit doing, besides little league baseball when I was young because I sucked, or volleyball in high school because the coach was a D-bag, are things that weren't going to make my life better.  If it's one thing I have learned throughout this whole process is that I still don't understand myself or my thought process.  I wish I could sit here and type out my revolution of myself but it just hasn't happened yet.  I have had binges still, I have had good weeks, I have lost weight, I have gained weight, I have gotten smaller, built more muscle and so many things have been changing but the major issue I came to conquer has yet to be tackled.  I am not saying I haven't made progress because that would be a lie but I think the underlying issue is me, myself and I.  No one can change things for you, they can only suggest what is wrong, suggest what to do right but it is ultimately up to you to do it.  So why is it that for myself it is so hard to stay away from foods that trigger a binge?  Why is it so hard to not turn into a completely negative puddle once I have eaten something that could have easily stopped there but continued into a full "I-don't-care-anymore" binge?

Some of these things I have not figured out yet and the competition is two months away.  I will not let the negative win.  I will not give up.  I will go through with this as far as I am able to.  I will keep going and doing whatever I can to keep my trainer from saying I am not walking across that stage.  I know I have fucked up a lot along the way, probably more than the other competitors, but I need to learn on my own.  Others can teach but again, it is up to the individual to learn..right?  Maybe I am just completely crazy? Maybe people read these blogs I conjure up in 10 minutes and think, good fricking christ just do what you need to do already.  Quite frankly, I'd like to see you prep for a show and then I can be in the background giving an evil chuckle as you hide in your room eating chocolate :)

This has given me a new appreciation, and respect for those individuals that do this as a lifestyle and one day, maybe one day soon, I will reach that victory in my head and it won't be as hard as I have been making it out to be!

Cheers to the last day of the month! I can't wait until Autumn...aww...Autumn..I miss that little Doddle....

Spray Butter x45756

You know, I seriously think that I should write a book after this competition because I feel like I have been the most upfront and real as anyone has ever been.  I had a bad day yesterday and it was all because of some nuts.  Literally, nuts.  Honey roasted pecans to be exact, mixed with dried cranberries and throw in a piece of mind from a manager and you have Talia going to walmart to get a huge bag of trail mix, whole wheat thins, and a box of kashi go lean crunch because obviously now that I am no longer bored at work eating nuts, I am now annoyed and food must comfort me.  

Funny thing about this is that I started my first day of classes last night.  Interventions with Professor Frost.  Seems like an extremely knowledgeable professor and so when we went around the room and I discussed how I want to end up working with people dealing with eating disorders, exercise disorders and those in competition training, he must have known I am an over eater considering the large bag of trail mix I shared with no one.  After all of the usual intros, etc, etc we stated talking about comfort and how people get comfortable in the life they have always lives.  Alcoholics although hate growing up and living with an alcoholic it is often that they end up marrying or being with someone who also has the same problem.  Why? comfort, it;s easier to be and do something we know than it is to be uncomfortable and have to actually try.  I have totally related this to my binging.  The other day my boyfriend and I went out to eat at Chili's.  We were both in a pissed off mood to the point where I even said I needed a drink (of course I didn't have one but I did eat some chips).  Anyways as we sat there and ate, we both agreed that food makes us feel better.  I even mentioned I will probably make a facebook event for the day after my comp so I can get so food drunk I might even take off Monday so I can just lay in bed all day and that actually maybe they should start planning  my funeral.  Anyways, "comfort food," isn't that a term we have heard before?  I know my family uses it a lot and I think this comfort zone of whenever I am sad, angry, feeling hungry or bored that I must eat even if I am not hungry because it's easier to just give in and eat like shit than it is to not eat and wait another 3 hours to eat something that will absolutely not fill me up at all.

So I think I really just need to get familiar with being uncomfortable, that doing this competition isn't something that is comfortable and that's why only about 10% of the population actually do it! So here's to being uncomfortable and this time not my stomach but my head.

Own3d by the master's

WBFF pros are the shit!All of these ladies look absolutely amazing! 54 days and I will be up on a stage like that too.  I have a few goals for the remainder of this time, first of all i would like to say that this past weekend I weighed in at 129.  Also, I would like to appologize for not being so user friendly to my blogspot.  I have been trying to spend as much time with my boyfriend and friends before today started (you know the dreaded first day of school-FML).

My goals for the next 54 days are two fold. (1) no more binges and (2) clean eating all the way!  This was supposed to start Saturday but I am an A-hole and had some chips at chili's. Whatever, kill me, I know I was in the wrong BUT it didn't lead to a binge.  Before we got to the resturant a bunch of stressful things happened, first I always feel like everything in my life is based on time and how long it takes to get places and how long I will be at location A for and when I have to leave location A to get to location B.  Then I dwecide to take a different route to my man's house and of course I get detoured and lost so by the time I pick him up, we don't have anywhere near enough time to get to the gun range and shoot for an hour.  So mad.  So literally I told him I needed/wanted a drink.  Of course I didn't have one but I did have something salty and crunchy.  I was over my calorie intake by 500.  My own fault.  After that we saw Don't Be Afraid of the Dark.  Honestly, worst acting by Katie Holmes, I was pretty dissappointed.  Not to mention, if anyone else saw this, did her voice sound like she was 12 or was it just me? Late night was fun and I got to sleep next to him so I woke up happy :)

Today since I am going back to school I have no free time all day and the same goes for wed, thurs, friday and saturdays so it will be super easy to follow a meal plan from here on out.  I have a lot of support around me and I know I can do this.  My number one goal was to stop my binges and if I can accomplish that from here on out and walk across that stage I will be one happy human.

I must remind myself that the original reason I entered this competition was to stop the binges, build my confidence and get the body I have been striving to get for so long.  Now, don't get me wrong, I have been planning a pig out fest for the day after, hell I probably will even take Monday off so I can lay in led all day!! Anywho- gotta get movin here! Have a lovely day..as for me, I dread it! BLAHP

Thanks boyfriend

Yesterday at work was the slowest it has been lately.  After much consideration I decided to have a FEW walnuts with my post workout meal when I got to work.  BAD IDEA.  Don't I know when I eat things that aren't pre-portioned I end up going balls to the walls?  Well I did.  Then I ate the walnuts and cranberries and a few other unmentionable things.  I know, less than 2 months til my comp, what the fuck am I thinking.  Honestly, at this point it's all on me, I have more than enough people around me telling me what I should and shouldn't be doing and I end up doing what I want anyways.  This may cause me to not get on stage in October, I know that, I am aware of that but what else can people tell me?  So anyways, the thoughts of already fucking up were in my head so I figured I could try and get my boyfriend to go out for pizza, get ice cream, indulge in ANYTHING I am not supposed to have.  To my absolute shock, he would not.  He wouldn't budge, and as a matter of fact I believe he even got a little mad at me for even asking and even more upset when I told him I had been grazing all day.  He told me I will not let you do this, he asked why I was doing it and said too bad I may have messed up during the day but that doesn't mean I have to keep doing it all day long, that we went grocery shopping, have a ton of healthy food and we are making something with the food we have.

I have never, this entire time had anyone stop me mid binge.  All of my binges either took place at home or with someone who was willing to indulge in the same nonsense.  At home I would just get my mother asking me "Now what are you eating" or at the family restaurant my sister saying "Stop eating the profits" No one has ever done what my boyfriend has done for me and caught me mid fall.  Usually I end up just falling flat on the ground only to wake up with an enormous stomach ache that leaves me in bed for 15 hours.  I can't believe I am saying this but I am here to be real and allow readers to really feel what I feel and I feel like food controls me.  If I honestly sat down and thought about how much time I spend tracking, measuring, weighing, thinking about what I will eat, planning it, and then consuming it, I guarantee it would take up A LOT of my time.  So here, again I think, pre-plan and have everything ready so that I don't have to think about it at all and I still can't seem to manage that either.  I hate to go through this whole process and not be ready but I have to learn at my own pace and figure out what is working and what isn't and it seems like this whole time has been a process of figuring out what DOESN'T work.

I must get going so I can get my stuff together, hide the garbage from the dog and hit the gym but right now there is a lot going through my mind about this.  I do NOT want to give up and say I will never be ready to walk across that stage in 58 days bc I do not want to quit but I really need to put forth more effort than I have been.  I just am not sure why I haven't been this whole time.  I told myself I wanted to go up and walk across that stage being able to say I gave it all I had but have I really???  I am not sure.....

8 weeks out!

I can't believe I only have 8 weeks left until I (hopefully) walk up on stage and strut my stuff showin off my hard work.  I will tell you right now I never went into this thinking it was easy but I definitely did sorta, just a little bit think I would do a little better than I have.  Regardless of what anyone says, it's much easier to eat like shit and be lazy but nothing can explain how lean feels and even though I would die to eat a whole apple pie, chocolate cake with frosting AND a pan of brownies, eating healthy makes me feel so much better.  Not only that but my confidence has increased too, something that was always up and down.  

Right now I still do not think I have a good handle on balancing the "bad" foods with the "good" and if the competition was tomorrow I would fear what would become of me the next day.  I do not want to go back to the old habits I had and I greatly fear this happening.  Why? well, think about it, at this point the eating aspect of it has to be spot on, so as hard as it fucking was to not eat even one of the pieces of roasted potatoes my dad made for dinner today I stuck to what was on my plate.  It's also only 7pm and I know in 2 hours (if I know myself well sooner than that) I will start to get hungry again.  I am not sure how I will cope afterwards but I really shouldn't let my mind get that far ahead, right?  It's hard not to, I even told my boyfriend I am afraid of the after b/c I can see myself getting into a binge mode and no being able to get out of it.  I WANT to eat healthy and I know what it feels like to eat so much shit it makes me sick but sometimes I don't care.  Let's take Thanksgiving for example...ok wait, let's not...mmmm all the good stuff that day! My FAVORITE holiday for obvious reasons.

Today I did well, I stuck to the macros assigned to me, went a little bit over in the carb department but overall good:

Meal 1- Out of the Abs diet cookbook, 1 whole grain spinach tortilla, 2 eggs, 1 scallion, 2 tbsp salsa, 2 tbsp 2% mexican cheese, whey with coffee

Meal 2-Whey with coffee, 6 oz carrots, 3 celery stalks

Meal 3- whey with water, yogurt with 1tbsp crushed walnuts (super hard not to get more but I knew if I did II would be in trouble)

Meal 4- 1 whole package stir fry veg, 10 ounces chicken

1345/28/97/166

Done for today..I am going to spend the rest of the night relaxing..reading..and yes, coloring!

Evil, evil carb deficit

First of all I must say it's amazing to have people that I work with working WITH ME to help me achieve my goals.  One of the new cooks cooked a baked potato today for me and cut it up to make it look like fries, then he made a salad with fruit on it which I hardly got to touch because we got busy and then he made me some plain shrimp.   So appreciative of people like that because most of them either look at me like I have 6 heads when I pull out my protioned out chicken in a bag and melt a piece of weight watcher cheese on it or just smile, shake their head and walk away.

Anyways, so i deleted some stuff and added some stuff to make room the macros I ate from him and so by the time I got to my second job, had some coffee with whey and texted my trainer I realized I hadn't had enough carbs for the day yet.  Why? Well first of all I started to be tired, so when the coffee kicked in and I started to get irritated and annoyed with everything, I knew, a sure Talia sign, I needed more carbs.  Lo and behold a quick livestrong check from my sisters phone told me I was only halfway to my goal for the day. YIKES! EVERY BODY RUN FOR THE HILLS!!!!

Eventually I get home, make a cuke salad with lettuce and add a sweet potato and my day looks like this:

Meal 1 which I must say was at 6 fucking am and no wonder I am so tired- 2tbsp peanut butter, 1 chocolate rice cake because that's all the time I had given myself to eat otherwise I know I would have made bad decisions

Meal 2- starbucks coffee with a red eye, whey and some cinnamon

Meal 3-6oz chicken, 1 slice weight watchers cheese, 1/2 potato, shrimpies

Meal 4- 6oz chicken, 1 slice weight watchers cheese

Meal 5- whey and more coffee

Meal 6- 1/2 cuke, 5 oz of a sweet potato and yes I had to cut some off because the damn thing weighed so much, some lettuce, pepper, red wine vinegar

1334/32/96/172

Good enough..I need to go see my boyfriend now. Good bye.  

P.S. tomorrow is the dreaded weigh in...

Bitter with a touch of annoyance

You would think this applies to everyone, right?  I mean we all make mistakes and we are supposed to learn from them but right now I am really annoyed over the fact that I can plan a days worth of what I am going to eat, write it down, bring it with me and STILL not follow it?! I ended today at 1600/44/113/182 because I ate a bunch of air popped popcorn and too many sliced almonds.  The only reason I went over in fat is because I ate peanut butter this morning and then ate the almonds later in the day.  My trainer I can tell has about had it with this little mishaps and rightfully so.  We, I, don't have that much time left and I am getting really frustrated that I can't seem to just get this right.  The frustrated leads to the negative thoughts about being a failure and mind as well give up which leads to me being frustrated, angry and hungry and wanting to binge out on food.  Now I know that is NOT what I want to do right now.  I actually would really LOVE to get in my bed considering my alarm is set for 6am for creepers sake.  I weigh in on Saturday morning and I am just really nervous that I putting myself down the tubes.

I think maybe I am not getting enough fat in with my meals thanks to Vicki bringing it to my attention, but since I only have 36 grams to work with and if I eat5 meals everyday thats not much :(  maybe this is why I am not feeling full?  This is so hard.  I will never say it has been an easy road.  I wish I could say this was a breeze but..it's not...and I am going to bed...blah

Time sucks

Seriously there either (A) needs to be more hours added to the day or (B) another day added to the weekend, I dunno like Blunday or Krunday, make something up, I don't care, anything?! Someone?! please!?  I totally forgot I was supposed to volunteer this Sunday and luckily my supervisor reminded me with a friendly email. FUCK. Can't take it back now....for everything I need to do in life I need more time, PLEASE!

Anyways before I keep getting annoyed by it let's talk about more POSITIVE things.  Today I killed my shoulders, biceps and triceps at the gym!  Definitely am awesome workout along with 45 minutes of cardio.  I also pre-planned everything for my meals and I gave it 100% with the help of my friend Gabby

Meal 1-1 whey, strawberries, 1/4 sweet potato, 2 tbsp peanut butter and let me tell you I almost had to throw the jar out the window bc 2 tablespoons of peanut butter is NOT ENOUGH!

Meal 2-1 whey,1 apple, 3 celery stalks

Meal 3- 6oz chicken, 1 slice weight watchers american cheese melted on top YUM

meal 4-1 why, 1 cup broccoli, 3 stalks celery with walden farms bacon dressing

meal 5- 6oz chicken, 1 pound lettuce (a little less bc I got sick of it by the end) 1 whole fresh tomato, pepper and seasoning to taste with red wine vinegar as the dressing

1310/27/95/175

BOOYAH GRANDMA! Now THAT is hitting it!!!! 

Next mission: Hot air pop corn popper by tomorrow night!

Busted with ranch!

Have I ever mentioned through this whole journey how fucking difficult this has really been?  I mean seriously! I know my trainer told me it would be hard but now that it's getting down to the last 9 weeks and since I ruined more time than necessary he's really getting on my ass. Which by the way is AWESOME, I mean who wants a trainer that lets things slide all the time? NO ONE, DUH!  So yeah I know I need to be hitting 1350/36/90/169 but I have been going off the wall with protein and a little over like 100-200 calories over calories and its not flyin with him no more!  It is very frustrating to have to be SO conscious of everything and yes I know, planning is key and I have been doing better and I even brought a huge lunch bag filled with stuff bc I knew I was sleeping over and needed things for the next day morning and afternoon snacks but then I get home and track it all and my numbers are off and it would be better if I planned everything...FML. I hate planning this shit out!  Why? bc then at work when it's time to eat again and I really want broccoli cheese soup but start eating fuckin pieces of lettuce it's REALLY NOT THE SAME PEOPLE!!! 

So Monday and Tuesday I have left out of the mix on the blog because when I am with Taylor I already spend way too much time facebook stalking that I don't leave enough time to blog.  Sorry friends.

Monday:

Meal 1- 4 ounces sweet potato,6 oz chicken,1 whey,1/2 cup blueberries, small strawberries

meal 2-whey, 6 oz chicken, 3 stalks celery

meal 3-6oz chicken, 1 slice ww chz

meal 4-1/2 bag snow peas, 1/2 green pepper, rotisseree chicken, 1/2 tbs ranch, 3 oz romaine

1418/19/73/225

Tuesday

Meal 1-whey, 6oz chicken, 1 fruit crisp cup

meal 2-3 stalks celery, 1 red pepper, 6oz chicken

meal 3-2 staks celery,4 oz chicken,4oz shrimp,lettuce

meal 4- "chicken fingers" clean living recipe

1488/30/81/210

Rum pum pum pum.....

What else can I say really?  I mean damn, I love food, eating 1350 calories is tough but I am really trying and right now my biggest effort is in the binge eating department.  I may be off in calories and eating too much protein and what not and I know if I planned and ate what I planned it would work out in the end but it just sucks doing it and I am not going to beat around the bush out of EVERYTHING I have had to do for this it's that. planning. who wants to fuckin plan everything? I mean damn, thats a boring life.  That's not a Talia life. So...I will plan I know if I want to do this that's the biggest sacrifice I have to make to look like how these girls look.  All I know is I am giving it what I got in the gym and cooking healthy and eating healthy and not binging and in the end my number one goal was to create better eating habits, I think now my number 2 goal will be to somehow find a way to like planning.  I guess I can't really say I hate it, I know how much better it will be once school starts bc I won't have as much time on my hands as I do now.  Internship (if this shit ever gets into gear) classes 3-4 times a week, working, trying to spend time with my boyfriend and my friends.  I refuse out of everything in life to give up the things that make me happy!

Holy fuck balls I need to go to bed! Good night books of faces!

2 weeks of freedom!

I have off from classes for two weeks and then all hell breaks loose.  I am getting sad thinking about how little time I will have between school, work, internship hours and seminars.  I already don't get much free time ;(  that's life I guess though, I will make it work if I want it to and I do so I will! DUH!  My schedule is out of control though just check this out. Monday:work am, school pm and by work I mean ok I start at 12, but I will be up early everyday to workout like ALWAYS (I must admit, I am a lucky I am able to do this).  Ok so work 12-430ish, maybe work 1030-whenever.  Class from 6:00-850. Tuesday work, wednesday work am, school pm, thursday work am, school pm, friday work from 12-9, saturday seminar from 10-1150 and work at 4 and sunday off.  This still doesn't include my internship that will be two days a week so take 2 work days away and I am going to have to work either saturday mornings or sunday mornings or pick up a shift on tuesday nights. YIKES!  This semester is going to be a lot tougher than the summer!  I have to stop thinking about it or I am gonna get depresed at the lack of time I will have in my social life. rarrr

Let's chat about my macros/meals yesterday..
meal 1-1 whey, 1 mini cliff bar, 1 fruit crisp bowl
meal 2- post workout- 1 whey with glutamine, 3 celery stalks
meal 3-2 rice cakes, 1 chocolate rice cake, 1 cup blueberries- obviously having a carb attack
meal 4- 12 ounces chicken breast, 1 celery stalk, walden farms bacon dressing
meal 5- 2 ounces chicken, 1 chocolate rice cake
1254/15/120/151- over on carbs, under on fat..joy

Today: was awesome! I woke up next to my boyfriend and I absolutely LOVE it! I went over there after I got out of work and I couldn't help but kiss him RIGHT AWAY! I couldn't wait to get there, I was driving there and even texted him saying it frickin takes forever to get there! I slept over, we watched a movie, well mostly I did because he fell asleep but he had his arms around me, so I let it slide :)  I waited for him to get out of his class in the morning, chilled with the dog, took her outside and then for a walk and of course she shits on someones lawn.  I do not have a plastic bag.  So, I had to ask a random person outside because he CLEARLY saw her and probably thought to himself, awesome, this chicks just going to leave the shit there isn't she?   I couldn't, that's just wrong. Wrong I tell you!  When he got back we went to the Niagara Gun Range to check out handguns, you know, typical Sunday afternoon relationship things. LMAO.  Then went to wegmans and bought stuff to cook dinner.  Dinner was DELICIOUS! Creole salmon with steamed broccoli and roasted potatoes! SOOOO good! Watched a movie together and then I had to leave because I was getting sad thinking about leaving him.  I think it's really insane the way I am feeling right now about this guy.  I like him A LOT.  He makes me so happy, he always makes me smile, always makes sure I am happy and I love the way he holds me, looks at me, kisses me.  It's awesome.  I never felt the way I feel right now and it feels so good. 

Meals:
Meal 1-1 whey
Meal 2-1 apple, 6 ounces chicken
Meal 3- 6oz chicken, 1 whey, 3 whole carrots, 3 celery
meal 4- 8 ounces salmon with creole sauce, 2 cups broccoli, 1 side oven roasted potatoes, ketchup
meal 5- peanuts in the shell, yes, I eat the shell too and this was at 1130pm, meal 4 was at about 630 and I am hungry and need to eat something before bed but this is it.  I am actually probably thirsty but hell to the no I am NOT drinking water right now before bed, so to bed Talia goes so no more food goes into her mouth!
1445/36/92/185

Honey badger don't give a shit

Just saw that video and it's quite funny.  Scale said 131 this morning.  Bummer but I figured as much.  The week finally can start over for me and I plan on KILLING it! Bought a 40 pound bag of chicken.  Yes friends, yes, 40 pounds of boneless skinless chicken breast.  I think we should place bets on how long this will last me.  I am guessing 3 weeks? I also bought a few bundles of celery and ate that shit on the way home.  A little dirt won't hurt, whatever we could die tomorrow.

My goal for the week is to be 129.  That is my long term goal, 7 day goal.  My goal for today is to hit my macros and make sure I bring food for tomorrow since I am sleeping at my boyfriends.  Not making huge goals here people, one day at a DAMN TIME.  I get too overwhelmed thinking too far ahead!

That's pretty much all for today except for does the chupacabra for real?!?!

Country shit, that's all I see..

This picture is actually me! I can be my own fitspo can't I? Fuck it, yeah I can!  Not exactly a 6 pack yet Johnny, but I'm gettin there! Today went very smooth.  I slept in instead of hittin up the gym and I am glad I made that decision bc I was so tired after waking up, not to mention my whole body was sore especially my legs from the day before.  Workouts are still workin'!  You know what I say?  If you aren't making ridiculous faces when you are lifting weights, you aren't lifting heavy enough!

Anywho who, wait first may I just say that my boyfriend made my day just by coming by my work.  He ordered food to go because he couldn't stay but so happy to see him.  I didn't know he was there at first and when I saw him I was like dayumn who's that...hahah.  Def made my heart skip a beat and still makes me nervous ;)

Second, I get out ridiculously early from work so I hit up the gym and had an AWESOME workout.  To be quite Frank, I hate working out at night but working out in the middle of the day isn't so bad.  I wish my schedule wasn't so jacked up because honestly I think I might eat better if my workout was plastered in the middle of my day.  I don't know how to explain it but I just felt better and felt like I was in a better mind set to make sure I ate good where as if the workout was already done I don't have that thought process?  Whatever

Third, Clarence Court today I got away with $40. Booyah Grandma!  Why? bc I know how to talk it UP!  No driving school, no points, no B.S.! Now THAT bitches, is how I roll....roll out.....

Fourth- my macros today..drum roll here: 1371 (a little off)/37 (ok this too)/93/170.  Let me break it down for you.  Meal one was in the morning before I left for work.  I specifically got up with the least amount of time to pussyfoot and I was still late because I had to get gas.  So meal 1 was a scoop of whey, 2 chocolate rice cakes, 1 salt free rice cake, 1 cup blueberries and some light whipped cream.  meal 2 was @ 1230- 2 cups broccoli, 4 ounces of chicken and a little bit of broccoli cheese.  Seriously, that shit comes out of a bag (like every other soup we have minus the french onion) and it's fuckin DELICIOUS! What did I dip my broccoli in? Broccoli! haha I am also always the one that has to obtain it because no one else wants to get caught.  Sure, leave it to me!  Meal 3 I had to eat something it was 230 and I was getting hungry (note this damn 2 hour mark when I am at work- it's not like this any other time) so I had some chicken and some more broccoli cheese and bounced.  Meal 4-right after working out I hit up Wegman's. LOVE WEGMAN'S! Got 8 ounces of chicken a side of grilled veg and a side of roasted potatoes. YUM! Meal 5- 2 ounces of low sodium deli turkey left over from the other day and 4 ounces of chicken and done for the day. Water intake-check! 

I weigh in Saturday morning and I just am really nervous about what it will say.  I know I messed up a few times and I am trying to make up for it in the next few days.  Not counting today or the actual comp day I have 71 days! Holy fuckin fucker! that's not a lot at all.  I also have about 10 days until I am going to try and have my friend take 2 month out pics and I feel like I need a tan to show off my definition, is that bad? probably, maybe I will spray tan? reeeppp ok I'm outtie! 

P.S. Italy's bar scene looks KILLER!

Jump on the train

It's time to change what I am doing daily and this blog is marking an important part in my competition journey.  Tomorrow I am starting a regimen I have been dreading to start and hoping to avoid this whole time.  My main gain was to stop binging and I haven't done so.  I wanted to change my eating habits and I only have slightly, I have definitely changed my body and so I guess I am not that far off but I know this lifestyle change for my eating habits has to go in the other direction.  There has been too much pussy footing around and I hate the feeling I get when I think about putting in all of this effort to not walk across that stage.

First of all I would like to label some major trigger foods. Wait, before I do that let me explain what I will be doing, a more strict and laid out meal plan every day from now until competition, I will say for this moment and this moment only there will be 2 days from now until that time that will be more difficult to manage.  The first is labor day with my family and the 2nd is a wedding in september.  Ok so back to these trigger foods.  Honestly it's like I am under a demonic possession when I get a craving for these things and then it sets off a domino effect, and the inner demon tells me I should just start consuming every other food possible that makes me want to binge even more and send myself into a food como and bed ridden for 16 hours.  Ow, my stomach hurts just thinking about it.  So drum roll please...it's going to be very hard to not eat these things, but I will be better for it.  Let me just put it this way, if I can lay off alcohol since March, I can lay off junk food for 2 months!!  Lets get this going!

-pecans

-walnuts

-trail mix of any kind

-cereal

-chips- this includes tortilla chips also

-cookies

-ice cream

-bread of any kind

-pizza

-cheese of any kind

-anything deep fried

-croutons

-almond slivers

I am sure this list will continue.  I was also writing this down and I am going to carry this with me so that when I get a craving for something I will look at this first to remind me that it will only take me down a path I don't want to go!

I want to do this more than anything and I know it's all on me.  892374 people can give me advice and tell me what I should be doing but I need to actually use the tools in order to change anything.  Starting now I am devoting myself 150% to being spot on with calories etc and hitting the gym hard.  I promise to blog as often as I can, I want to try and do it every day but I know with school and internship coming up it will be impossible.  I will be blogging my intake and my meals for that day!  I am going to need everyone's support now more than ever. I want to conquer this binge eating once and for all.  I now longer want it to be a part of my life and after thinking about how much time and effort I am putting into this competition and then being told I can't do it is NOT going to happen!

Happy Training~~

I did it (quick blog read!)

It's almost 245 in the morning and I am almost done with my lectures for my online Psychopathology class.  My last blog was about how hungry I was, and how I still had the thoughts of failure in my head but was determined not to let it take over control.  I sat here in the beginning and drank some water, mind you I have been sitting here since about 11, maybe earlier.  Right now the lecture video is running behind all of these tabs I have open and all I know is I never want to have dementia or alzheimers.  ANYWAYS, after the water I needed something else to do, so I cleaned my gun.  Then I had to fix my gum wrapper chain so I did that too.  I actually accomplished sitting here for this entire time WITHOUT eating ANYTHING!  YAHOO! YIPPIE! WOOPIE!

I WILL NOT BINGE

I have to write this right now because I just got home and my day of calorie intake didn't go as planned.  I got caught up in the damn nuts and trail mix again so.... I am adding a mistake:

Mistake (14) Go back and read mistake number 7 and add, don’t even start on the trail mix! Bad idea! If nuts are a bad idea, what makes you think trail mix is?

Also, for real, the broccoli cheese soup is sooo good at Applebee's, I just had a little bit and a little bit of mashed pots and jeepers it ruined me!

GRRR..so yeah I ended at like 2000 calories 97 grams of fat 131 carbs and 132 protein. 

:(

Insert game over sound board right here BUT ...it will end here.

  I am home about to listen to lectures and I want to eat so bad, I am really hungry again but I know I can't.  Tomorrow I plan on working out with Taylor after work which will allow me to sleep in and eat later and so I can spread my meals out more ..I have the "I-sorta-fucked-up" mind set but I know if I stop it here I will be above myself and above what I have been doing with the binging and I am far away from the damage a binge can do.  I was trying to space my meals out too far today, I ate too much in the morning and I was trying to save my last meal with the cookout for too late and I got hungry.  I was at work at 12 had my snack and wasn't supposed to eat until 3, I was hungry at 2 so I was going to swap my carbs/fat with the mashed pots and brocc cheese and then at this point I wasn't supposed to eat again until 6! 

Apparantly I need to eat every 2 hours to be happy because 3 is too long and 4 just never happens.  Is that bad? seriously is eating that often too much? its so tough because I do not have a lot of calories to be dealin with here.  1350 doesn't stretch very far eating every 2 damn hours for f's sake!

I will rise above my trail mix consumption, be productive (after catching up with facebook) and listen to some lectures for this test friday! Instead of starting over tomorrow, I started over after the trail mix and said DO NOT LET THIS RUIN THE WHOLE WEEK!!

I am learning!  I am better than this!  I am better than the food coma!  I am better than the carb hangover!  I am better than the sugar spike!  I am better than the processed packages!!!!

Hula Hooping Queen

Yes friends, yes! Now THIS is Fitspo for sure! This weekend was a total success, no binges, healthy choices and good decision making.  Again, my new macros are 1350/34/90/169 and Saturday I ended at 1365/31/97/178, Sunday 1400/38/96/168 and today I will end at 1351/22/97/185.  I am slightly aggricated that I can't crunch on these rice cakes I have out in front of me.  I started cooking some mushrooms to eat with my eggs and they were just not right.  They were cooking in their own liquid and they smelled weird so I opted to eat some strawberries with light whipped instead with the Walden Farms chocolate syrup, I mean come on!  Such a good comp treat!  I also want to look up some dessert recipes on Damyhealth after I get my lectures done and make something for myself.

Yesterday I was swimming at a new friends house, we were supposed to go to the beach but it started raining so my friend called her friend and we went to her house in hopes it would clear up, be sunny and get a tan!  Well it totally did!  It was so relaxing and definitely something I needed.  I was totally prepared with my cooler packed with food and water but then they decided to go to the market next door to make sandwiches.  I wasn't feeling EVERYTHING I had packed so I switched it up and feel like I did an awesome job making swaps.  I was craving something salty and crunch so I got some cheddar cheese flavored popcorn and shared it.  I was happy that it satisfied my craving!  I swapped out my carrots for some fresh green beans, I ate my chicken, but instead of my protein powder I bought some freshly sliced low sodium deli turkey! Delicious!  Didn't eat any of the chips they bought and didn't make a sandwich.  I was really hungry, but I knew I just needed to enjoy life and not let food rule my brain like it usually does.

Today my friend is having a little BBQ and I planned everything out for the day,I already know it's going to be tough because my meals are small but I need to push through it and tomorrow I can do a little better with macro division.  It seems like the fat is the hardest thing to get it, usually I am way under or right on.  Protein is never an issue and neither are carbs.  I am depositing some money for my competition suit today, super excited about that!  I know once I get it I will get even more pumped!  This last binge has really been an eye opener for me.  It had made me cringe everytime I think of eating something that's not healthy for me.  I remember passing  a Dairy Queen and thinking "yumm" and then immediately being like YUCK thinking of how bad my stomach gets tore up. 

Like my starting goal, I did this to stop the binging, I am learning it is hard and I think there are a lot of people out there who have this disorder (yes, Binge Eating Disorder is real) and many people think it's just a private issue and end up battling it on their own.  I know I couldn't afford seeing a counselor, I even bought my own self help book, which helped to a certain extent.  I also believe it happens to 2 types of people (1) the classic textbook over weight people but I think more often it'd (2) those who are exercisers, who want to eat healthy, who yo-yo diet, who are either 100% on or 100% off their diets and label food as good and bad.  I have this one composition by Lyle McDonald called flexible dieting and it describes these types of people to the tee.  While I was reading it, I identified with it completely.  Anyways, I think if more of us were honest with ourselves and to our support systems whether it be friends through a fitness site or our significant others, we could talk our way through this.  It isn't an easy cycle to break once it starts just like any other disorder or addiction, it's real and it needs to be addressed that way.  Thuis is why I have such an interest in working with individuals with eating disorders/exercise issues etc when I graduate, I am just unsure of how to do it!

Ok, I need to get my ass moving!!! Have a great day!!!

The dirty truth

First of all today is Saturday, my weigh in day and I am FINALLY at 129! To be honest though, I have no idea how I got there..let's talk about this...

It was a Thursday, I was super excited to go to the range after I got out of work with my boyfriend.  I changed into my summer clothes and then was just passing some time sitting there.  I then decided I needed to eat some walnuts, which turned into cranberries which turned into honey roasted pecans.  They are all in separate places where I work but in the end it's just a huge nut mix in which I had no idea how much I consumed beause in reality we know a serving size isn't much so we would like to think we are eating less than we are when actually we probably killed a whole bags worth.  Anyways, this is what triggered my mind into thinking "you fucked up, it's only 3pm and you have already consumed all of your calories (I am allowed 1350 right now) and if you eat anymore you will be way over"  The thought of bad foods started entering my head, I really wanted pizza and then maybe get dessert after, I know my boyfriend won't mind if I tell him we should go out for pizza.  So we went to the range, which was awesome! I love it there!  Then after we start talking about where we should go to dinner.  I will have you know that he was the one that pushed to go somewhere I could get something healthy.  I said I really want pizza and he says, can you have that though? I said..noo....so we went to Zebb's and I ordered a chicken salad which I was happy about

Fast forward to when I finally get home at 1230am and I should have just went right to bed but nope, I had to check facebook bc I am a ridiculous addict and I needed to see what was going on with my books of faces.  The thoughts of binging come back to me because they never dissappeared from before.  So I go get some cheddar popcorn, then start eating Tostitos scoops then some cereal and decide thats enough I can go back to my facebooking.  Sit down and during the next 3 minutes I must have turned into some kind of rabit animal that needed to get my hands on something more.  I consumed more popcorn, fritos, a few chips, some cereal and then started with the cookies and then some more cereal with milk.  At this point I can't understand myself.  Something is wrong with me.  I have a disorder.  Why do I do this to myself?  Why do I allow myself to stay negative for so long?  Well this time, I really screwed myself up..

Next morning, I wake up with an awful stomach ache, I skipped the gym and went right to work, didn't eat breakfast or have any coffee.  I felt like absolute shit but I will not call in, I tried asking people to cover for me and no one could so I sucked it up.  The ride there was the most dangerous car ride I have taken in a long time.  My eyes were so heavy, they kept trying to close.  I threw the air conditioner on but felt like it was making me even more sleepy so I turned it off and put the windows down.  I was so nervous I would fall asleep and crash into an oncoming 18 wheeler, then what?  I had no choice, I couldn't call in, no one would understand.  I finally get there and I had to put on a jacket bc I started to get the chills.  My manager just looked at me in pity and I thought that maybe after seeing me mope around he would send me home.  Not so lucky.  Another girl called and said she would be later (for the 10th time) so they told her not to bother, my hopes of being sent home early are now crushed.  I am even more miserable at this point. I look like a biker bitch with this fake leather jacket on that even my tables look scared of me.  What else can I do but suck it up and finish the shift? 

During the shift I texted my trainer to admit my wrong doing the night before telling him there's really nothing else he can tell me at this point that its all up to me and the only thing he can do is be there to tell me I am not walking across that stage when I am ready.  He let me know I need to lose at least another 20 pounds to be up there and I just got even more frustrated I couldn't even make a decision then. I didn't want to even ponder the thought of giving up...but was I really ready for this?  What do I really want? I was so miserable I couldn't even answer him

I finally get home and go right to my bed, the pains get worse, razor blade is tumbling inside everywhere.  I want to puke, scream, cry and just go to sleep but I have to work for my parents place.  My mom ended up asking me if I wanted her to work for her and I was so happy a tear came out of my eye.  I really wanted to just sleep the rest of the night and thats what I did.  I was up every hour to use the bathroom (I won't go into details but you can use your own imagination with this one).  I didn't eat a thing all day and having to weigh in the next morning was the least of my worries because I already figured it would be bad.

Back to this morning, I get on the scale and it says 129-130!  WHAT?! I was so shocked, I didn't even bring my camera in with me to take a picture because I figured I would be at least 135 if not more.  I hopped off and grabbed my cell phone, took a pic and immediately sent it to my trainer!  The past 24 hours has been an eye opener.  A stomach ache that felt like a razor blade was inside me, a crappy shift bc I was so miserable, missing out on a second shift bc it got worse and sleeping for 16 hours because of it in the end, eating all of that shit, so not worth it.  I woke up today thinking about how great it's going to be consuming clean foods, going to the gym and feeling healthy again.  I don't understand why I think binging "just-one-last-time" is going to help me.  I have gotten to the point where I have made myself sick over eating too much and this time I lost work time because of it.  What kind of life is that?  What kind of person am I that makes processed junk food such a priority that I need to waste my life away being sick because of it?  I can't believe how pathetic I can be!

Today I feel like a new person and since May I know I have made a  lot of mistakes, most of them the same ones over and over but I am happy to be feeling better, I am excited to get to the gym and workout and I am excited to go food shopping so I have clean food around me, always!!

I hope everyone has a fantastic day!

My milkshake tastes watery..?

I really can not help but blog about a recent waitressing experience the other day.  It was a mother with her three daughters; two of which had apparantly read enough books to get a free kids meal.  Joy! The mother orders, obviously the all you can eat and no, not because she is the average obese american.  She is a frugal mother but she takes it to a whole different level 67 minutes later when she tells me her daughters milkshake tastes really watery! What? ::REWIND:: HOLD UP! My response; "Watery? well, you have been sitting here a long time"  Are you serious right now lady?! Your bill is less than $11 and you are deliberately trying to get a free kids oreoshake because you let this one sit there for 67 minutes?!? (yes, I detailed the check for this one).  I'm sorry, would you like me to add another one to the bill before you go? Of course you wouldn't.  Unreal.

While we are on the topic, I don't need a 12 sentence explanation as to why you are ordering water and no, I don't believe you when you say you will order something else later.  

/rant

Back on the fitness topic, had a great workout at the gym today and yesterday I stepped foot into a gym with my boyfriend!  I have been waiting for that moment for 6 years! no lie! He did his own thing, I did mine and it was awesome.  We went back to my parents house, I made him dinner, we swam, he met my family, I couldn't be any happier with how things are going and I am determined to keep it this way :)

Today was legs, yesterday was back and tomorrow is shoulders.  I am still struggling with this 1350 calorie intake and although my few slip-ups, under intake yesterday, over intake today I figured something out for tomorrow.  Just have to stick to it!  I am thinking in terms of my next set of progress pics and I want to be able to visually see more results and I know this time around I need to keep up on my nutrition and that is the 22nd of this month so I have some serious time to kill it and nail some changes for sure!  I would be lying if I said I wasn't nervous about my weigh in this weekend.  I will be getting my period next week, I didn't feel great today and I can tell I am feeling a little bloated so meh, mer mer.  Not exactly looking forward to getting on the scale this week. 

I just have to make sure I am doing what I need to do to stay on track. No excuses!

I just wanna dance!!!!!!!

FOCUS

It's time to focus on doing the right things to get me to the right spot by October 22nd.  Time is ticking by and before I know it I am going to be getting spray tanned while experiencing mini heart attacks thinking about walking across that stage.  Am I ready? Right now? no.  I know I have A LOT of work to do.  I need to focus much more on the planning like I have been saying this whole ride.  I need to drop more weight which has been the most frustrating part of all bc I feel like the weeks that go by I don't see the scale move I am failing when I know that is not the case at all.  I just have these bad habits that seem harder to break than trying to quit smoking.  Seriously, it has been harder to stop binge eating than it ever was to quit smoking.  Did I attempt the quitting more than once? yes, it takes the average person 7 attempts to quit but eventually I did it cold turkey.  The last cigg I ever smoked was December 31st, 2006 and I remember it so clearly.  My ex boyfriend and I were at a friends house waiting for the ball to drop when their power went out, we hopped back on the thruway to rush to get back to his moms house and on the way there I got so completely frustrated with smoking.  I don't know exactly what happened but I told him, here, take these and throw them out the fucking window! I don't want them anymore! To this day I haven't had one drag!

I know I have it in me!  I want this to be a lifestyle change and not just something I am doing for 1 competition.  My original goal was to stop these bad eating habits and although I have been doing better and I have screwed up along the way that end goal to be a better eater, have better eating habits, look better, feel better is still being accomplished.  I can't let the bad days determine whether or not I have put in a good effort.  I know I have been trying my hardest and I know this isn't easy.

It's also amazing to have such a great support system.  At work they don't care that I am weighing my food with the prep scale.  They don't care that I am making a meal and eating it in the middle of a lunch rush because they know I can multi-task, and very good at it.  My friends don't care that I put on a whole pound of chicken cutlets before we go into a concert or pour protein powder in my coffee.  My boyfriend doesn't make fun of me when I bring my scale over to weigh myself in the morning.  He doesn't look at me weird for bringing a lunch bag.  I even have friends from facebook that will text me when they need a boost and vice versa!  My trainer, also, I know he absolutely wants to kill me for screwing up so much still doesn't disown me but is brutally honest and I know the biggest thing I fear is him telling me I can't walk across that stage.

So please keep supporting me everyone because you have no idea how much it means to me!!!