The dirty truth

First of all today is Saturday, my weigh in day and I am FINALLY at 129! To be honest though, I have no idea how I got there..let's talk about this...

It was a Thursday, I was super excited to go to the range after I got out of work with my boyfriend.  I changed into my summer clothes and then was just passing some time sitting there.  I then decided I needed to eat some walnuts, which turned into cranberries which turned into honey roasted pecans.  They are all in separate places where I work but in the end it's just a huge nut mix in which I had no idea how much I consumed beause in reality we know a serving size isn't much so we would like to think we are eating less than we are when actually we probably killed a whole bags worth.  Anyways, this is what triggered my mind into thinking "you fucked up, it's only 3pm and you have already consumed all of your calories (I am allowed 1350 right now) and if you eat anymore you will be way over"  The thought of bad foods started entering my head, I really wanted pizza and then maybe get dessert after, I know my boyfriend won't mind if I tell him we should go out for pizza.  So we went to the range, which was awesome! I love it there!  Then after we start talking about where we should go to dinner.  I will have you know that he was the one that pushed to go somewhere I could get something healthy.  I said I really want pizza and he says, can you have that though? I said..noo....so we went to Zebb's and I ordered a chicken salad which I was happy about

Fast forward to when I finally get home at 1230am and I should have just went right to bed but nope, I had to check facebook bc I am a ridiculous addict and I needed to see what was going on with my books of faces.  The thoughts of binging come back to me because they never dissappeared from before.  So I go get some cheddar popcorn, then start eating Tostitos scoops then some cereal and decide thats enough I can go back to my facebooking.  Sit down and during the next 3 minutes I must have turned into some kind of rabit animal that needed to get my hands on something more.  I consumed more popcorn, fritos, a few chips, some cereal and then started with the cookies and then some more cereal with milk.  At this point I can't understand myself.  Something is wrong with me.  I have a disorder.  Why do I do this to myself?  Why do I allow myself to stay negative for so long?  Well this time, I really screwed myself up..

Next morning, I wake up with an awful stomach ache, I skipped the gym and went right to work, didn't eat breakfast or have any coffee.  I felt like absolute shit but I will not call in, I tried asking people to cover for me and no one could so I sucked it up.  The ride there was the most dangerous car ride I have taken in a long time.  My eyes were so heavy, they kept trying to close.  I threw the air conditioner on but felt like it was making me even more sleepy so I turned it off and put the windows down.  I was so nervous I would fall asleep and crash into an oncoming 18 wheeler, then what?  I had no choice, I couldn't call in, no one would understand.  I finally get there and I had to put on a jacket bc I started to get the chills.  My manager just looked at me in pity and I thought that maybe after seeing me mope around he would send me home.  Not so lucky.  Another girl called and said she would be later (for the 10th time) so they told her not to bother, my hopes of being sent home early are now crushed.  I am even more miserable at this point. I look like a biker bitch with this fake leather jacket on that even my tables look scared of me.  What else can I do but suck it up and finish the shift? 

During the shift I texted my trainer to admit my wrong doing the night before telling him there's really nothing else he can tell me at this point that its all up to me and the only thing he can do is be there to tell me I am not walking across that stage when I am ready.  He let me know I need to lose at least another 20 pounds to be up there and I just got even more frustrated I couldn't even make a decision then. I didn't want to even ponder the thought of giving up...but was I really ready for this?  What do I really want? I was so miserable I couldn't even answer him

I finally get home and go right to my bed, the pains get worse, razor blade is tumbling inside everywhere.  I want to puke, scream, cry and just go to sleep but I have to work for my parents place.  My mom ended up asking me if I wanted her to work for her and I was so happy a tear came out of my eye.  I really wanted to just sleep the rest of the night and thats what I did.  I was up every hour to use the bathroom (I won't go into details but you can use your own imagination with this one).  I didn't eat a thing all day and having to weigh in the next morning was the least of my worries because I already figured it would be bad.

Back to this morning, I get on the scale and it says 129-130!  WHAT?! I was so shocked, I didn't even bring my camera in with me to take a picture because I figured I would be at least 135 if not more.  I hopped off and grabbed my cell phone, took a pic and immediately sent it to my trainer!  The past 24 hours has been an eye opener.  A stomach ache that felt like a razor blade was inside me, a crappy shift bc I was so miserable, missing out on a second shift bc it got worse and sleeping for 16 hours because of it in the end, eating all of that shit, so not worth it.  I woke up today thinking about how great it's going to be consuming clean foods, going to the gym and feeling healthy again.  I don't understand why I think binging "just-one-last-time" is going to help me.  I have gotten to the point where I have made myself sick over eating too much and this time I lost work time because of it.  What kind of life is that?  What kind of person am I that makes processed junk food such a priority that I need to waste my life away being sick because of it?  I can't believe how pathetic I can be!

Today I feel like a new person and since May I know I have made a  lot of mistakes, most of them the same ones over and over but I am happy to be feeling better, I am excited to get to the gym and workout and I am excited to go food shopping so I have clean food around me, always!!

I hope everyone has a fantastic day!