Several months ago I would have used the last day of the month as an excuse to do stupid things because life would give me a fresh start tomorrow. Well, unfortunately I have tripped up so many times in life that I am past that. I need to use today to prove to myself that I can walk across that stage on October 22nd. I currently fear the wrath of my trainer for having so many set backs along the way that if I do not change things fast that I may not be able to achieve my goal and I can not let that happen. The only things I have quit doing, besides little league baseball when I was young because I sucked, or volleyball in high school because the coach was a D-bag, are things that weren't going to make my life better. If it's one thing I have learned throughout this whole process is that I still don't understand myself or my thought process. I wish I could sit here and type out my revolution of myself but it just hasn't happened yet. I have had binges still, I have had good weeks, I have lost weight, I have gained weight, I have gotten smaller, built more muscle and so many things have been changing but the major issue I came to conquer has yet to be tackled. I am not saying I haven't made progress because that would be a lie but I think the underlying issue is me, myself and I. No one can change things for you, they can only suggest what is wrong, suggest what to do right but it is ultimately up to you to do it. So why is it that for myself it is so hard to stay away from foods that trigger a binge? Why is it so hard to not turn into a completely negative puddle once I have eaten something that could have easily stopped there but continued into a full "I-don't-care-anymore" binge?
Some of these things I have not figured out yet and the competition is two months away. I will not let the negative win. I will not give up. I will go through with this as far as I am able to. I will keep going and doing whatever I can to keep my trainer from saying I am not walking across that stage. I know I have fucked up a lot along the way, probably more than the other competitors, but I need to learn on my own. Others can teach but again, it is up to the individual to learn..right? Maybe I am just completely crazy? Maybe people read these blogs I conjure up in 10 minutes and think, good fricking christ just do what you need to do already. Quite frankly, I'd like to see you prep for a show and then I can be in the background giving an evil chuckle as you hide in your room eating chocolate :)
This has given me a new appreciation, and respect for those individuals that do this as a lifestyle and one day, maybe one day soon, I will reach that victory in my head and it won't be as hard as I have been making it out to be!
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