Yesterday at work was the slowest it has been lately. After much consideration I decided to have a FEW walnuts with my post workout meal when I got to work. BAD IDEA. Don't I know when I eat things that aren't pre-portioned I end up going balls to the walls? Well I did. Then I ate the walnuts and cranberries and a few other unmentionable things. I know, less than 2 months til my comp, what the fuck am I thinking. Honestly, at this point it's all on me, I have more than enough people around me telling me what I should and shouldn't be doing and I end up doing what I want anyways. This may cause me to not get on stage in October, I know that, I am aware of that but what else can people tell me? So anyways, the thoughts of already fucking up were in my head so I figured I could try and get my boyfriend to go out for pizza, get ice cream, indulge in ANYTHING I am not supposed to have. To my absolute shock, he would not. He wouldn't budge, and as a matter of fact I believe he even got a little mad at me for even asking and even more upset when I told him I had been grazing all day. He told me I will not let you do this, he asked why I was doing it and said too bad I may have messed up during the day but that doesn't mean I have to keep doing it all day long, that we went grocery shopping, have a ton of healthy food and we are making something with the food we have.
I have never, this entire time had anyone stop me mid binge. All of my binges either took place at home or with someone who was willing to indulge in the same nonsense. At home I would just get my mother asking me "Now what are you eating" or at the family restaurant my sister saying "Stop eating the profits" No one has ever done what my boyfriend has done for me and caught me mid fall. Usually I end up just falling flat on the ground only to wake up with an enormous stomach ache that leaves me in bed for 15 hours. I can't believe I am saying this but I am here to be real and allow readers to really feel what I feel and I feel like food controls me. If I honestly sat down and thought about how much time I spend tracking, measuring, weighing, thinking about what I will eat, planning it, and then consuming it, I guarantee it would take up A LOT of my time. So here, again I think, pre-plan and have everything ready so that I don't have to think about it at all and I still can't seem to manage that either. I hate to go through this whole process and not be ready but I have to learn at my own pace and figure out what is working and what isn't and it seems like this whole time has been a process of figuring out what DOESN'T work.
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