Flashback to yesterday evening with a bowl of cereal, the box and more carb consumption knowing in the morning I should be getting on the scale. What the fuck am I doing? Talia, you have to weigh in tomorrow and you are eating like this? What is seriously wrong in your head? As a matter of fact, where is your head?!?! I think to myself yeah, I am not weighing myself tomorrow and even if I do, I will just tell my trainer I was 129. It will be fine, I will just lie and then shape my shit up the next week and be back where I am supposed to be. I go to bed, feeling like I usually do after eating more than I should and wondering if I am ever going to learn. I did get on the scale and I am too embarssed to even say what it was, obviously not on track, I internally panic but do not let it get to me. I have a good breakfast and get ready to hit the gym. As I am driving, the thoughts start flying. Ok, so if he texts me and asks, I will ignore him for awhile and then maybe he will forget. No. that will never work, ok lie. I have to lie, I have fucked up again and if he knows anything about it I am doomed, I just dug my own grave, I will not walk across that stage and I will have dissappointed everyone. The text comes and it's in regards to a question I asked the day before. Phew..in the clear. Another incoming text, FUCK. What's my weight. At this point, I keep driving, he never asked, the text isn't there, I am sleeping. FUCK. I facebook stalked already.
I can't lie, what am I gaining from any of this if I lie to him? I can't lie...it's just not in my blood,..anymore. I did plenty of adolescent lying for the whole neighborhood, funny though I never got away with anything. ::HUGE SIGN:: I texted him and told him he didn't want to know what my weight was, not sure what else I said something about my suit being on the way, I don't remember, my heart was pounding. He didn't say anything for a long time. When this occurs with him it usually means he's pissed, and rightfully so, his client will just not listen to him, what's wrong with her?!?! At this point my mind is blank, I am a failure.
I get to the gym, text my good friend that I never met Theresa and say to her that I am disappointed in myself and it was at this moment, as I was texting her that I started to cry, in the locker room, before a really lengthy workout. I am disappointed in myself, I am, this whole time it hasn't been about disappointing others but selfish me. After I picked up pieces of myself off the nasty floor I went and had a killer workout. I got many encouraging words back from Theresa and from my boyfriend as well. I do not know what I would do if these individuals were not in my life. I look at myself and through this journey feel as if I could have given it more than I gave, that when I walk across that stage I will not be able to say I met every single goal and that maybe I didn't have enough willpower but I am told otherwise and for this I am greatly appreciated.
I have decided to finally let my trainer write me a meal plan that I can just look at and follow, yes, I am going over to the dark side of robotics. I should have just trued this from the very beginning but stubborn Talia had something to prove that was never going to work. Was told over and over by many other competitors the key is planning meals. Yeah right...I can do it without doing that, watch me I would say in the back of my mind. Well here I am today, telling you the story about how I cried over the disappointment in myself, the realization that I have to do things that are not comfortable to me and make sacrifices for the goals I make for myself.
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