OA

I need to be my own motivation and fitspo! I need to stop wishing I could look like all the girls I post pictures of and start doing what I need to do to get there.

Disclaimer to my trainer: you are not going to like what you are about to read so you might want to save yourself some heartache and click the X" in the top right hand corner now.......................

.............................................................................................................................................................

I know you are still reading.  Anyways, it happened at work like it always does, it always has because that is the place where I get bored the most.  I had 3 tables in a two hour time period and then started getting thoughts about eating the walnuts.  I was in a serious 10 minute battle in my head because I knew I shouldn't but maybe I could control it this time, I was cut from taking tables and I was going to be leaving soon and I had all my food with me so I took a handful.  Ruined, that led to other things and the day ended in a binge.  I am not going to sit here and tell you what I ate or how many calories I think I consumed because it doesn't matter.  What matters is that the problem is bigger than I think.  I have an eating disorder and I need help.  Since I do not have money to see a therapist nor do I have the time to drive to one, I figured I might start looking for meetings or something that can help me because what I am doing now is not helping.  Don't get me wrong, all the peoples support I have is great and I have so many people in my phone I could have texted but it is beyond that.  It was beyond a simple text to someone sayying "omg I did it again" it was like this time I got myself into the mess and I didn't want anyone to know or try to talk me out of it because it wouldn't have worked.

I found OA, Overeaters Anonymous and attended my first online meeting last night at midnight.  It was an hour long and it was people sharing stories and at the end just talking like AA meetings.  OA works exactly like AA meetings and even has a 12 step program which luckily for me starts again October 1st.  

When I first started training for this bikini competition, binge eating was my main concern.  It was something I was doing that I didn't want to do anymore and now it has gotten to the point where it has taken over my life and my thoughts are constantly about food.  The OA does not judge or try to talk me out of competing which I think a therapist would have tried to do considering being a competitor involves giving up certain foods.  That is not what I want, I want to compete, I don't want to binge.  SO I am doing this for me, I don't have to have anyone's approval and I don't care what others might think because again, I know I need something more.  I started posting things, trying to find a sponsor and just working my way around all of the plethora of information on the internet on www.therecoverygroup.org or is it .com.  Whatever it is I plan on attending as many meetings as I can and then starting the 12 steps on October 1st!

I am happy for myself that I have found this information on my own and doing this for myself.  I no longer will talk about my eating habits to anyone unless they are asking, I don't want to focus my life around food anymore!!!!