Abstinence

Crap! It's been so long since I let my words go wild in this blog.  It feels good to be back.  Although I am not sure why I am even still up knowing I just set my alarm for 430.  Repulsive.  How come you have to be up so early Talia? Well friends you see it's like this...if I don't get my workout in early in the morning I will be less likely to want to do it later and then I will get into yet another internal battle in my head on when I can fit another ridiculously long workout in.  Not happenin' this competition is in 19 days and I need to push the fuck forward, fuckin those holes along the way! That's right bitches, I have been fuckin them pretty hard too.  Midnight tongiht I will be 5 days abstinent from COE/binging!! ::insert crazy loud insane crowd clapping here::

The last time I posted I wrote something about OA, correct?  I think so, I don't have time to go back and look but anyways yes.  I am a member of OA and I have attended several online meetings and one face to face meeting in my area this past Sunday.  This morning out of curiosity I took oput my self-help books on binging and overeating and because I date them all (most of them) one of them was from March of 2010.  That means I have had this issue for well over a year because I know I had it before I bought the book otherwise why would I have gotten the book.  Over a year of this nonsense with food, the mind games, the food devil, the little demon, and I am proud to say I have finally admitted I am powerless over food.  It sounds crazy coming out of my mouth and I am not going to lie, as I walked into the meeting, there were only 2 women there, by the end there was a total of 13 and I felt like I was being judged by my appearance.  Here I was in an OA meeting and I am not obese or overweight.  Well it wasn't until that night after talking to another person there that I finally admitted to being an over exerciser.  I had years to bring it down to a science being able to stuff my face and then either work it off by doing insane amounts of cardio or eating clean for a week.  I could go on and on about my feelings, the beginning, how it all started but that's for me to talk through OA and the loops they have and WTS, here I will just say that I want it to end and I have made a conscious and serious effort to make it stop.

I am 19 days away from stepping on stage.  Am I ready? No. Will I be ready? I have no choice. Am I doing what I need to? Yes, finally.  This has been a long journey and I have learned so much about myself that I don't regret a thing, I think I will actually be really sad when it's over.  I may need therapy knowing my day to shine has come and gone but itsn't that the same thing a bride goes through on her wedding? Ew.  I don't want to think about that, shit that's sad, doing all that work, getting all excited and the moment and the day pass faster than the time inbetween. (well that's obvious) anyways you get the picture, right?

I was talking with my friend Theresa and she said something to me that really stuck out.  That maybe one day I will be a sponsor for someone else going through being a COE and that made me smile because my direction for social work is this specific topic.  Eating disorders, exercise disorders and the like and I know if I stay on top of my game, help others, continue competing that my dreams will come true because I will make them come true.  Only I hold the key to where my life goes.  I made my own choices and although other people influence me along the way and hold more powerful status' than I, it is up to me to push my way to where I want to go.  I have not given up on competing and I never will, I WANT to compete, I want to get over this COE/Binge eating and I want to be happy.  The only way I can do that is if I take the steps to do it!