CHUCK IT

Some of my greatest ASSets :) 

Not much of a change since my pics at 4 weeks.  I have 18 more days and I cried again today, actually I cried a few more photos after this one.  Today as many of you know, I chucked a brand new, only some eaten, jar of chunky peanut butter out my window while driving, into a field.  I bought it, found a plastic spoon in Tops to eat some of it on the way home and then as I was doing so realized that if I didn't start texting my support system, (and yes, Taylor you were first) that I would devour the whole container.  At this point I have 4 days of abstinence under my belt of not binging but then I get caught up in the am I over eating or is COE and binge eating the same thing?  I have messed up my diet by binging so much along this journey that this super strict diet consisting of eggs, chicken, cheese and vegetables is unmanageable for me and I rebel by giving in tothe voices inside my head that say to just have a taste to get rid of the craving.  Only do I realize though that this is exactly what OA is telling me.  That this addiction is just like an alcoholics addiction to food and the constant battle inside their head about whether or not to have that one drink knowing if they do, it won't be their last.  It's exactly the same thing only the addiction here is food.  An alcoholic though can stop drinking, but a food addict needs to eat to survive.  So how does one that is struggling with an eating disorder and doing a competition find that balance?  In a way these last 18 days I know will be hell but I also find relief in knowing that once this competition is over I can breath and start over and do even better for the next one.

Yes, you read that right, the next one,

You see, my friends, competing has ALWAYS been a dream of mine and I am NOT giving up.  I may not be perfect, people may say wow, she has no willpower but someone with a binge eating disorder has it deeper than just willpower, it's more than that, it's different than that.  I can't explain it and by not being able to do so stresses me out even more.  I want people to understand but if I don't, how can I explain it to others? 

What else do I want to say?  Oh yeah, I have given up all peanut butters of any kind for now.  Please "like" The Butters Lovers Anonymous Club to join me in this challenge.  There was a fantastic over 66 comment conversation about the love of peanut butter on Team Fit which I thoroughly enjoyed, but not as much as the hole fucking.  As of midnight tonight I will be 5 days abstinent from binge eating and so as much as I feel like I am not fucking the holes, I fucked a big one today when that jar sailed through the country air!