Sad Sam Saturday

I am looking forward to pumping some iron this morning.  I had a dream last night that felt like reality when I woke up but knew immediately it wasn't true.  How can something make you so sad?  Maybe because deep down I wanted it to be true but know that may never be possible.

Yesterday I need to put behind me so I am not going to re-live it but today I was 136 on the scale.  I am actually accepting of that because I honestly thought it was going to be much worse.  I ate a lot of sodium/useless calories and I am not proud of it but it's true that once you start crunching you can't stop.  Luckily I only ate some sort of tortilla chips and rice cakes and a little bit of cereal.  I gave up on the idea that I was going to be accurate with my calorie count and to be honest I didn't even care because I know I am going to give this week my all.  I already divided up some powders and things to eat along the way.  I am working a double today and supposed to go out later but I really do not even think I feel like it.  Right now I just want to be sleeping but since that's not possible I guess I will have to accept the fact that I will be working all day.  My goal for this week is to stay true to my calories, stay true to tracking and lose that 1 pound maybe even get to 134 would be awesome.  I know it's going to be a slow pace but as long as I keep sodium leves under control, weight things, and measure things I will be ok.  I also think that maybe if I have everything with me instead of getting food at work that I will feel less like I am being watched when I weigh things at work.  I hate that feeling.  I don't care what people think of me but you can't take out that feeling of being the outcast, which I already know I am.  I don't drink and I am doing a competition, 2 things that not very many people in this world can say they are doing.

Other than these things I just need to stay focused and realize that I am the only one who is getting up on stage.  No one is going to be next to me expect other people who may or may have not been giving it more than I have so I definitely need to step it up.  My biggest problem is with planning and so this is what I need to work on EVERYDAY, day by day, minute by minute!