The 10 minute, minute

Can someone please explain to me why when the washing machine says "1" minute it really means like 5?  FOR REAL? WTF..get on with the spinning and be DONE! In an hour and 20 minutes I can officially say I have 1 month left until my competition and to that I say a jaw dropping..SHIT!  Let me just say "fuck the holes"  and I would really wear a T-shirt that says such, especially at t co-ed gym! BAHAHA

Well, I came more than prepared when I left my house the other day with my 6 bags all filled to their max with my overnight clothes, gym clothes, shower stuff, competition bikini, AND food since I was sleeping at my boyfriends and I wanted to be prepared.  Well I guess I hate broccoli because eating it raw makes me want to punch people in the face or pour ranch dressing all over it to the point where it no longer has any nutritional value.  By 3:00 I was eating the walnuts I swore myself off which then became a really ridiculous domino game of traveling to fry side for pecans and cranberries and then having some oreos too.  Yeah, fuck it, you are only doing a competition in 31 days, you know, skimpy bikini, 76587 eye balls staring and critiquing you, I am sure you won't wonder why you placed last as you pick oreo crumbs out of your teeth ...seriously now?  Ok..fuck it..walk over to walmart..what do I want? dried fruit, chocolate covered raisins, a small weight watchers ice cream and some chocolate peanut butter, diet orange soda, CHECK! In the meantime I text my girl Theresa to tell her I pulled up the anchor on the fail boat and began sailing.  Luckily, this girl cares so much about me she talked me out of eating everything (ok except the chocolate peanut butter, because as I was eating it I was feeling sorry for myself, feeling dumb, feeling angry and annoyed and aggravated and still had not decided to go all the way binge).  I am soooo thankful for her help because she stopped me and really made me think of what the hell I was doing?!

This isn't easy stuff folks, it's something different, it's something challenging, it's not of the "norm" and I am starting to think making any more promises to my readers will be like crying wolf..BUT.....I swear swear swear...please believe me...these last 30 days I will give it all I have and I am sorry ahead of time for those who will be getting daily texts ranting and bitching and wondering why I can't be like Mr. Spankypants and just deal with it :) right Robin?  :)  Love all of you ladies!!!

Heaven in my cup

I would just like to take a moment this morning and reflect on the events of yesterday.  I do not like to go back in time but I would really like to make a good point about how I felt and how I got so upset yesterday.  When I was confronted by my boyfriend about what was really going on I felt ridiculous admitting to the fact that it was food related.  I was hungry, I didn't make breakfast before the run, instead I had the remainder of the almonds I bought with a diet orange soda thinking I would be ok.  I was for the time being and I had my laptop so I distracted myself with some morning facebook stalking.  My friend came and got me for our 5K walk, yes we walked, WHATEVER, IDC, running and I don't get along with my Grandma knees.  After we thought we might hit up the free food but it was greasy sausage, lips and asshole hotdogs and chicken patties! WTF, and not to mention beer and pop! Are you kidding me?! I don't get why this occurs after races, can someone please explain to me why you would want to drink a beer, and a draft beer after you just run or walked a 5K? Gross!  Anywhos we skipped out on that and then went to the gym to lift.  I was tired already at that point.  No, not from walking, I just didn't feel like lifting, I so desperatly wanted to say fuck it, let's just go back to my boyfriends apartment and be lazy but I pushed through it and even went up in weight in some of my exercises,  I felt better that I lifted but after that and by the time we got back I started to become miserable.

My whole point to this after ranting for a really long paragraph is that I have become so involved in worrying about what I can't eat, I get emotional over it and cry, but why?  Our society is starving, America has tons of homeless people and families that are struggling to put food on the table and live off of pasta and water and here I am ruining my day over the fact that I have to eat clean and healthy.  What is wrong with me?!?!  Regardless, I cried on my way home and ate the deli turkey we bought, more than 3 string cheese, and then got home and killed the rest of the peanut butter.  In the meantime I cooked up some lean beef, chicken and lean sausage for the rest of the week so I know I will be prepared to kill it.

This morning I had to weigh myself and face reality of what had been done and I was happy to see that I was still 127 :)  So on forth to this new day!  Coffee with sugar free peppermint mocha! I have the day off from training but still have work and school.  Have my lunch bag full of the foods I need! Killin it bitches! Killin it!

Guess who's back?

I have not been around in a long time and I feel as if I have neglected all of my followers by not keeping you posted on how my week has been going.  Well first of all I was at 127 yestuerday for my weigh in!  The lowest it has ever been in a LONG time!  I am super excited about it but yet today I have a flip of the switch bitch attack and my best friend and boyfriend can tell just by looking at me that I want to take out a mob on my own.  I don't know exactly what happened but to be honest I don't want to talk about it.  All I want to say is that I am not sure what I did to deserve my boyfriend Taylor.  He has been so supportive, and is always there to make me smile, definitely a keeper :)  Not only him but my best friend Nicole too, I know she has been going through some tough times lately and I was glad to spend some time with her today because we hardly see each other anymore!  She got me one of those solar powered flowers I can put in my car! I LOVE it! Everytime I see it dancing it makes me smile!!  My other shout out will be to Theresa!  You are my text buddy for sure and I absolutely appreciate all of the times you have talked to me when I needed you the most! Thank you!!!!!!!

The past week I have been following a meal plan and I lost 2 pounds, I started practicing my posing and walking, I got an internship at an Elementary/Pre-K school and my boyfriend and I have officially been dating for 2 months. HAHA.  I mean some serious stuff has been going on people!  The meal plan has kept me full, what happened this weekend? Well Saturday went well, I had the wedding, before that my boyfriend and I worked out and I made good choices and scraped the breading off the meat.  I can only imagine the comments people had in the kitchen when seeing that shit. I had a small serving of mashed pots and threw the chocolates across the table after torturing myself with my sense of smell a few times.

  What happened today?  I wasn't prepared and I overate, I was miserable but I didn't allow myself to binge, I cried, I got mean, I am over it.  34 more days and I will be walking across that stage.  I get an off day from lifting tomorrow and I couldn't be happier.  I def need to structure my weekends to be more like the week, it's just harder bc they are nothing like my busy week.  I don't even know how to act when I have nothing to do and I find myself rushing around when I don't need to.

My walking and posing is coming along decently.  I am thinking about bringing my shoes to the gym as per Robin Romero (she's so smart) and walking in the classrooms 86 the bikini. LMAO.  I am trying to add my own spice to it but I am still unsure what turns I am supposed to do so I just do them all and then dance at the end hahha! Hello, I mean it wouldn't be a Talia twist if I didn't dance at least for a 5th of a second!

My internship starts next week!  On Tuesdays I will be doing play therapy with Prek-2nd grade and Thursdays I wikll be at the Elementary school working with kids in 3rd-5th grade doing the brief family therapy sessions.  This age group is one in which I have no experience and I am very excited to get involved.  The school system is very involved with the children and making sure they are getting the best education they can in regards to any disabilities and use a strengths based perspective which is right up my ally.  (Yes, normally I am a very positive individual 95% of the time).  I am thrilled to be under the supervision of two very intelligent and involved individuals and I know it will be a great experience.  I mean hell, I will learn how to do all of these things BEFORE having kids..,..very helpful indeed! 

My goals for this week:

-->Get a new car (Nissan Altima Coupe BITCHES!) ok well lease a new car...whatever..

-->follow my meal plan monday-sunday working harder on the weekends to make sure the meals get taken with me where-ever I go.  I honestly didn't feel at this point in the game that I was rude enough to take my own meal to a wedding (no offense to other people but if I saw someone putting their own food on the plate I paid to put food on, I would be more than a little irritated). 

2 goals is good.  Don't want to be an over achiever!

That's all folks.  I need to get some good sleep tonight!Thanks for playing!

Blame vs. Responsibility

Today in class we got a hand out entitled "Autobiography in Five Short Chapters"  I am not sure where this came from but my Professor, whom is extremely knowledgeable with tons of experience let us keep them.  It goes exactly like this...

1) I walk down the street.

      There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

      I fall in.

      I am lost...Iam hopeless.

            It isn't my fault.

      It takes forever to find a way out

2) I walk down the same street

      There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

      I pretend I don't see it.

      I fall in again.

I can't believe I am in the same place.

            But it isn't my fault.

It still takes a long time to get out.

3) I walk down the same street.

      There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

      I see it is there.

      I still fall in...it's a habit.

            My eyes are open.

            I know where I am.

     It is my responsibility.

     I get out immediately.

4) I walk down the same street.

      There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

      I walk around it.

5) I walk down another street

As I read this I immediately thought of myself.  I know it sounds selfish but I feel as if I am going through a very difficult time trying to piece myself together for this competition that I wanted to do.  I realize that I can no longer and no longer want to place blame on others or circumstances.  I need to take full responsibility for the decisions I make and the consequences that come about them.  All of it about the binging.  In the beginning, just like this little story, I don't even really see the hole there, then when I do I fall in anyways but now I feel like I have finally come to chapter 3 where I learn it is MY responsibility and no one else's.  I am the one walking across that stage in a tiny bikini with 5 inch heels, struttin my stuff, not my trainer, not my mom, not my boyfriend, ME.  I made this goal for myself it's my goal and I take responsibility for achieving it in any way that I can!!!

Being a liar doesn't help anyone

Flashback to yesterday evening with a bowl of cereal, the box and more carb consumption knowing in the morning I should be getting on the scale.  What the fuck am I doing? Talia, you have to weigh in tomorrow and you are eating like this?  What is seriously wrong in your head?  As a matter of fact, where is your head?!?!   I think to myself yeah, I am not weighing myself tomorrow and even if I do, I will just tell my trainer I was 129.  It will be fine, I will just lie and then shape my shit up the next week and be back where I am supposed to be.  I go to bed, feeling like I usually do after eating more than I should and wondering if I am ever going to learn.  I did get on the scale and I am too embarssed to even say what it was, obviously not on track, I internally panic but do not let it get to me.  I have a good breakfast and get ready to hit the gym.  As I am driving, the thoughts start flying.  Ok, so if he texts me and asks, I will ignore him for awhile and then maybe he will forget. No. that will never work, ok lie.  I have to lie, I have fucked up again and if he knows anything about it I am doomed, I just dug my own grave, I will not walk across that stage and I will have dissappointed everyone.  The text comes and it's in regards to a question I asked the day before.  Phew..in the clear.  Another incoming text, FUCK.  What's my weight.  At this point, I keep driving, he never asked, the text isn't there, I am sleeping.  FUCK. I facebook stalked already.  

I can't lie, what am I gaining from any of this if I lie to him?  I can't lie...it's just not in my blood,..anymore.  I did plenty of adolescent lying for the whole neighborhood, funny though I never got away with anything.  ::HUGE SIGN:: I texted him and told him he didn't want to know what my weight was, not sure what else I said something about my suit being on the way, I don't remember, my heart was pounding.  He didn't say anything for a long time.  When this occurs with him it usually means he's pissed, and rightfully so, his client will just not listen to him, what's wrong with her?!?!  At this point my mind is blank, I am a failure.

I get to the gym, text my good friend that I never met Theresa and say to her that I am disappointed in myself and it was at this moment, as I was texting her that I started to cry, in the locker room, before a really lengthy workout.  I am disappointed in myself, I am, this whole time it hasn't been about disappointing others but selfish me.  After I picked up pieces of myself off the nasty floor I went and had a killer workout.  I got many encouraging words back from Theresa and  from my boyfriend as well.  I do not know what I would do if these individuals were not in my life.  I look at myself and through this journey feel as if I could have given it more than I gave, that when I walk across that stage I will not be able to say I met every single goal and that maybe I didn't have enough willpower but I am told otherwise and for this I am greatly appreciated.

I have decided to finally let my trainer write me a meal plan that I can just look at and follow, yes, I am going over to the dark side of robotics.  I should have just trued this from the very beginning but stubborn Talia had something to prove that was never going to work.  Was told over and over by many other competitors the key is planning meals.  Yeah right...I can do it without doing that, watch me I would say in the back of my mind.  Well here I am today, telling you the story about how I cried over the disappointment in myself, the realization that I have to do things that are not comfortable to me and make sacrifices for the goals I make for myself.  

Here is to the next 6 weeks of pure challenge.  I apologize ahead of time if you get in the middle of my wrath of carb depletion, just know in this situation it really isn't you...it's ME!

Influencing humans one at a time

Holy fuckin abs girl whoever you are!  I think your name is Tara!  Excellent work my friend!  Before I begin, I would like to complain that I worked a double, made more money in tips on Carside ToGo than I did serving tables!  So what your saying is that people who come in their cars, don't get out of them appreciate me more than all the effort I put into serving you?!  I am highly confused by this concept so if anyone would like to give this a shot and toss me an explanation I would greatly appreciate it! After the shift, and tanning, yeah whatever- don't judge me, I feel better about myself when I am darker, don't we all? Oh shit, maybe it is just me.  Basically, Wegman's own3d me and I spent 95% of my tips on shit for my mouth hahaa literally..I bought food and dental care!  

Currently there is an 8 x8 pan of healthy version fudge in my freezer and you are damn right thinking I will wait the whole 2-3 prescribed hours to try them! I can't wait!  They smell so fucking good I almost made someone else lick the spoons and bowl to tell me how good it was.  That's right bitches, I didn't even lick the spoon and part of it was peanut butter! Imagine that! Talia, not licking the spoons?! WHAT? who the fuck are you?!  

Let's stop talking about me and move to on to this really cool guy named Taylor.  For whatever reason (I was never told) one day he just appeared in my life and my insides said something along the lines of-you-better-make-some-kind-of-ballsy-move-on-this-hottie-or-you-will-regret-it.  I am beyond words ecstatic that I have met, gotten to know and have him in my life.  He has shown me in just this small amount of time being together that he is willing to take of challenges that not many people would even dare to do (yes, I mean eating healthy and working out- it is kind of sad to have to say I know a handful of people who really just do not care).  ..

Anyways, my dreams seriously came true today when I received a text from him telling me how he has decided to do a competition next year!!!!!!!!!!  At first I questioned it, yeah riiight..it's a big joke, who wakes up one day and wants to deprive themselves of the most delicious foods in the world?  Nope, def not a joke and I couldn't be any happier that I can say my boyfriend and I are doing a competition together and TOGETHER not against each other.  He has been such an enormous help to me thus far, I started with being sort of vague on what I was doing because I was scared that it would more than likely end whatever we started.  The way I saw it was that no matter what we think, reality is that in America, we make eating and drinking a HUGE part of our lives and for someone to limit and even eliminate things in these two categories is like looking at an object that was buried 46367 million years ago that we have no idea what the hell it is or does.  The sincerity of my boyfriends actions make me appreciate having him more and more each day.  It means a lot when thoughts, words and actions are all congruent with each other especially coming from a significant other.  I have been yearning for someone like this to come into my world but all I ever got were douche bag, tight shirt wearing dudes that don't know anything past an intermediate level vocabulary.

I am lucky and I know it and I will be doing everything I can to make sure this journey goes where it is supposed to!  I am looking forward to this new chapter in my life and I have never been happier.  I feel it when I am working, I always hated going to work to serve and now I actually enjoy it.  I smile more, I laugh more, I'm more positive, I'm healthier.....and I am enjoying life  :)   

Ok I am done being sappy now...just a little longer and I can tap into that fudge!!!!   YUMMM!!!

As I walk through the valley

I am my fitspo today! Looking at these 2 picture side by side really does show how amazing it is when you put in the work.  Today is going to be a very challenging day as it is a holiday.  Yeah, whatever it's only Labor Day, nothing magnificent like Christmas or even Thanksgiving (we will talk more about this later) but my family is having a party and so there will be a plethora of food, 85% of which Talia can no longer consume :( 

Now the major problem is the only person who truly knows how I eat is my boyfriend.  I am more than excited to say that he is coming with me today and I am thrilled for him to meet my family but also keep tabs on my hands and mouth.  Yesterday we went food shopping and it was the most hilarious thing in the worst as we pass by all of this processed food through the isles of looking for random stuff like peanut butter and low sodium tomato sauce that we stop for a moment and just drool at the things we know we should not be/can't eat.  Fruity pebbles....Keebler's soft cookies with the candy pieces inside....ice cream.....holy shit I think I just slipped on my own pile of drool.  We continue on and purchase the items we need to make healthy and smart choices.  After we get back to his apartment we made the best flatout pizzas EVER..wait didn't something happen before that? HAHA They were DELICIOUS!!!!  Of course afterward we both indulge in some apple pie!  Even more amazing!!! Not quite the same thing though...extra dessert delights RULE!  

Earlier, while the pizza's were cooking I was doing my usual facebook stalking and getting my internet consumption in for the day and came across the Yahoo! article about the 15 worst burgers in the world.  Needless to say I ruined a few what was once thought as delicious meals and turned them into sluggish, lazy food.  Seriously though, it got me thinking, how do I feel when I over consume shit like that? Like shit!  Although the body craves foods like this because we have been raised in an American Society to believe that these are foods we need bc the industry purposefully makes them palatable it does not help our bodies at all.  Thanksgiving is hands down my favorite holiday and no matter how far I go into this fitness world I will always go to bed with a stomach that looks like I am 4 months pregnant.  This is no longer the way I want to live on a weekly basis though, I no longer want to feel the sluggish awful feeling of consuming too many unhealthy foods in one sitting.  It's not helping me reach my goals and I know I may slip a few times but every time I do I learn more and more that as delicious as the foods really do taste ( I will never down play this fact) I have bigger plans!

Have an awesome labor day! Time to hit the iron!!!