Dirty table for four please?

Hmm this chick is seriously changing all of the thoughts I previously had of myself needing to be tan in order to showcase my definition.  Well, I guess if I had 5% body fat like shit did I wouldn't need a tan either ::rolls eyes::  Before I get into what my Title for today is I must say that first of all I am aggravated right now because I am hungry!!!!!  Uncomfortable feeling it is, knowing I can no longer consumer any more calories for the day makes me want to punch things I shouldn't be punching! Tomorrow is my weigh in and there is no beating around the bush, considering it isn't that big to begin with.  Not only did I fuck up this week but I am getting my monthly gift soon.  Yeah fuckin right, seriously who decided to start using that line anyways?  Here's to pointless tears and excess bloat...BLAHP

My meals for today is as follows:

\Meal 1 645am- Yes, I was up early to get in my workout-GO ME~- 2 slices ezekial bread, 4 ounces chicken, 4 strawberries with some no calorie syrup sauce,1 slice canadian bacon

Meal 2-1045ish- 4 ounces chicken, 4 ounces pico de gallo, 1 hard boilked egg, 1 celery

Meal 3- 230- I could feel myself getting angry bc I wasn't able to eat bc we were busy- 4 ounces chicken, 4 ounces pico, 3 celery, 1 hard boiled egg

Meal 4- 430- about 6 ounces chicken, ok I didn't really weigh it because I was portioning out 10 pounds into 4 ounce baggies and I was hungry, so i also had a bowl of lettuce (about 8 ounces) and a half a carrot --Jesus no wonder it's 930 and I want to eat a limb--

Meal 5- 9pm pieced this shit together- 1 string cheese, almonds, 2 ounces chicken and a seriously -stale- but- I -ate -it -anyway -because -it- was- chocolate-rice cake

Ending the day with approx 1421/37/87/181

Please don't give up on me trainer! Please?!

Now let's talk about this title.  It is beyond my deepest synapses as to why you would come into a restaurant and go directly towards the table that has no place mats, napkins or silverware when all of the rest of them DO!  What makes this a wise choice to sit?  Wouldn't you look around and say hmm, all of the rest of the tables are set up, and look so welcoming, but this one, yes this one with nothing on it seems better because that will mean the waitress will get annoyed with us immediately and we can tip her bad bc she is being a bitch.  WRONG!  THIS ONE IS DIRTY! I so firmly state! 

Rewind to the table that walked in before them clearly from Darien Lake (wristband gave it away) had wings and pizza and with a $31 some odd change bill were happy to leave me with $1.85.  Let me tell you right now, servers make $5.50 an hour.  YES! that's 5 dollars and 50 cents, no, that is not even near minimum wage and so this is why we require you to leave us a good tip (especially if we deserve it).  How can you not know this TREMENDOUSLY IMPORTANT piece of information?!  This is how the world of service works, we give you want you want in exchange for a good tip to make up for the lack of hourly wage we receive.  I mean it's really not that hard of a concept and if you think that all servers make the same in every country, you are wrong.  Do not assume that because the servers in Canada make minimum wage that those in the U.S. of A do as well..because...WE DON'T!! If you honestly do not have the money to tip someone but spend money like you do, you need to stay in your damn tent and cook the fuckin bag of hotdogs you brought when you first arrived.  Thank you.  That is all

A big FUCK YOU to NYS

What's better than Fitspo with people I can actually IDENTIFY?! Jen Jewell wbff PRO I see you smack dab in the middle in the back and Neda back row all the way to the left!  All of you girls are such an inspiration to me!

Start rant..now...well wait, first I must warn those who are going to read this, 75% has nothing to do with my fitness/nutrition.  Continuing on.  I am not sure many of you know what an out spoken individual I have become in the past year.  After my boyfriend and I split (almost a year ago-seriously where the hell does time even go anyways?) I have become the person I have always been but was never able to express.  I love this Talia!  She is fun and exciting!  Also, a year ago I started my MSW program at UB and I have been learning a hell of a lot on how to speak out etc etc.  Long story short, my place of employment (I guess I should really leave out the name bc I am pretty sure I signed a contract saying I wouldn't talk shit) started allowing us to personalize our name tags and server books.  Of course I took it a step further and tie dyed my apron and a few other girls followed suit and got colored aprons.  It was seriously exciting to come to work for once.  So the other day 2 of the highest people in that corporation showed up and in leui of over hearing a conversation that we might not be able to wear them anymore, I stepped up to the plate and presented my case on why I think we should be able to keep wearing them.  Obviously not only to the benefit of ourselves expressing individuality but of course it will reflect on the guest experience.  I was rubuttled but then surprisingly a few minutes later was given a challenge and if I succeeded in this challenge not only would our store but other locations be able to personalize their aprons.

I sent out a message via our work communication line, I sent out messages through facebook, I talked this shit up so much I knew I had a good chance at succeeding and had support from most of the staff.  I get to work today and immediately someone says to me "I have some really bad news"  Umm...WHAT THE FUCK..those are not the first words I want to hear walking into work when I haven't even clocked in yet.  Apparantly the NYS DOL has put a stop to us buying our own aprons and up until the point I still don't even understand why but for some reason as to bc then they would basically have to start buying them for us.  UN-FUCKIN-BELIEVABLE.  You are telling me that no NYS has yet again popped my fuckin party bubble?  There are so many things in this state that either take more of your money or ruin a really good idea.  In the end, whatever, I'm not losing sleep over it but seriously, remind me not to get so excited about something like this and actually think it will have the end result I wanted.  Either way, at least the entire staff including management knows I am not afraid to speak up! /rant

Back to my compeition journey.  Killed todays workout and my meals were llike this>:

Meal 1- about 730? 6 ounces chicken, 1/2 scoop whey, 2 slices ezekial bread with a million sprays of butter, and 1/2 cup b lueberries

Meal 2-1130ish- 5 ounces chicken, 4 ounces pico de gallo, 1 celery, 1 egg

Meal 3- 2:30ish-4 ounces chicken, 4 ounces pico, 1 celery, 1 egg

Meal 4-430ish- 4 ounces chicke, 6 ounces romaine, 4 ounces pico, 1 egg

Meal 5- 7:00pm- 10 spears asparagus which I think is starting to go bad and I might have to toss the rest, damn I hate when I buy too many things and dont eat them

Meal 6- 17 slices turkey pepperoni and 2 ounces pork chop

1432/31/84/193

Over again in calories but I am NOT going to sweat it, I am giving it my all finally and I am not stoppin! You can't stop me! Can't stop me!!

2 steps away from Psychosis

I am at the end of the day, I came home and had about 150 more calories to consume and I went over my total for today by about 100 because I had a few more almonds than I should have.  I really was planning on eating chicken, went to the restaurant to grab the extra that I had cooked only to find, to no such amazement, that it was missing. FUCK. Plan B) almonds because I needed the fat.  Get home and find out the chicken is freezing.  Well at least I can be on spot for tomorrow too.

I really will give myself a pat on the back and after hearing my meals for today you can give me a virtual high five because this is the sort of shit that's gonna do me good.

Breakfast-8:00am  I slept at my boyfriends but lucky me, he has healty food in abundance because we shopped which by the way, if you are reading this right now we need to get some more stuff).  I had 2 slices of wheat toast, 4 ounces of chicken and a half scoop whey with my coffee.

Meal 2 was post workout: 12:00- 4 ounces of chicken, 4 ounces of pico de gallo, 1 celery, 1 hard boiled egg, 1 green pepper all mixed together, chopped up with some red wine vinegar.  I had to think out what I could use for the fat aspect of this meal and knew I had to come up with something other than nuts or cheese considering we have no low fat cheese in the restrautn (pretty sick, isn't it? I think so)

Meal 3- 2:00 sort of the same deal, 4 ounces chicken, 1/2 hard boiled egg, 4 ounces pico de gallo, 2 celery, 4 ounces grape toms, no vinegar just chopped uo.

Meal 4-4:30-5  6-8 ounces chicken, 6 ounces romaine, 4 ounces pico, 1 celery, 1/2 hard boiled egg

Meal 5- 10pm- Had class and I should have had one more round of chicken with me but oh well.  I ended the day with 1451/41/94/168 and 16 glasses of water.

So why am I 2 steps away from psychosis?  I want to eat MORE!! NOOOOOOWWWW!!!! This is the hardest part, I wasn't even hungry until I got home, well ok, I was hungry a little bit before that but thoughts of food didn't dance around in my head until I got home knowing there is food everywhere.  I do not want food to control me, I need to get out of this comfort zone I have created with food and binging and everyday I make my own choices and I do not want to choice a path that will lead myself into another binge and feeling like shit and worrying about whether or not I can walk across that stage.  It is time for me to start making the right choices towards being able to walk across the stage! DAMN IT~~~

Road trip of life

Several months ago I would have used the last day of the month as an excuse to do stupid things because life would give me a fresh start tomorrow.  Well, unfortunately I have tripped up so many times in life that I am past that.  I need to use today to prove to myself that I can walk across that stage on October 22nd.  I currently fear the wrath of my trainer for having so many set backs along the way that if I do not change things fast that I may not be able to achieve my goal and I can not let that happen.  The only things I have quit doing, besides little league baseball when I was young because I sucked, or volleyball in high school because the coach was a D-bag, are things that weren't going to make my life better.  If it's one thing I have learned throughout this whole process is that I still don't understand myself or my thought process.  I wish I could sit here and type out my revolution of myself but it just hasn't happened yet.  I have had binges still, I have had good weeks, I have lost weight, I have gained weight, I have gotten smaller, built more muscle and so many things have been changing but the major issue I came to conquer has yet to be tackled.  I am not saying I haven't made progress because that would be a lie but I think the underlying issue is me, myself and I.  No one can change things for you, they can only suggest what is wrong, suggest what to do right but it is ultimately up to you to do it.  So why is it that for myself it is so hard to stay away from foods that trigger a binge?  Why is it so hard to not turn into a completely negative puddle once I have eaten something that could have easily stopped there but continued into a full "I-don't-care-anymore" binge?

Some of these things I have not figured out yet and the competition is two months away.  I will not let the negative win.  I will not give up.  I will go through with this as far as I am able to.  I will keep going and doing whatever I can to keep my trainer from saying I am not walking across that stage.  I know I have fucked up a lot along the way, probably more than the other competitors, but I need to learn on my own.  Others can teach but again, it is up to the individual to learn..right?  Maybe I am just completely crazy? Maybe people read these blogs I conjure up in 10 minutes and think, good fricking christ just do what you need to do already.  Quite frankly, I'd like to see you prep for a show and then I can be in the background giving an evil chuckle as you hide in your room eating chocolate :)

This has given me a new appreciation, and respect for those individuals that do this as a lifestyle and one day, maybe one day soon, I will reach that victory in my head and it won't be as hard as I have been making it out to be!

Cheers to the last day of the month! I can't wait until Autumn...aww...Autumn..I miss that little Doddle....

Spray Butter x45756

You know, I seriously think that I should write a book after this competition because I feel like I have been the most upfront and real as anyone has ever been.  I had a bad day yesterday and it was all because of some nuts.  Literally, nuts.  Honey roasted pecans to be exact, mixed with dried cranberries and throw in a piece of mind from a manager and you have Talia going to walmart to get a huge bag of trail mix, whole wheat thins, and a box of kashi go lean crunch because obviously now that I am no longer bored at work eating nuts, I am now annoyed and food must comfort me.  

Funny thing about this is that I started my first day of classes last night.  Interventions with Professor Frost.  Seems like an extremely knowledgeable professor and so when we went around the room and I discussed how I want to end up working with people dealing with eating disorders, exercise disorders and those in competition training, he must have known I am an over eater considering the large bag of trail mix I shared with no one.  After all of the usual intros, etc, etc we stated talking about comfort and how people get comfortable in the life they have always lives.  Alcoholics although hate growing up and living with an alcoholic it is often that they end up marrying or being with someone who also has the same problem.  Why? comfort, it;s easier to be and do something we know than it is to be uncomfortable and have to actually try.  I have totally related this to my binging.  The other day my boyfriend and I went out to eat at Chili's.  We were both in a pissed off mood to the point where I even said I needed a drink (of course I didn't have one but I did eat some chips).  Anyways as we sat there and ate, we both agreed that food makes us feel better.  I even mentioned I will probably make a facebook event for the day after my comp so I can get so food drunk I might even take off Monday so I can just lay in bed all day and that actually maybe they should start planning  my funeral.  Anyways, "comfort food," isn't that a term we have heard before?  I know my family uses it a lot and I think this comfort zone of whenever I am sad, angry, feeling hungry or bored that I must eat even if I am not hungry because it's easier to just give in and eat like shit than it is to not eat and wait another 3 hours to eat something that will absolutely not fill me up at all.

So I think I really just need to get familiar with being uncomfortable, that doing this competition isn't something that is comfortable and that's why only about 10% of the population actually do it! So here's to being uncomfortable and this time not my stomach but my head.

Own3d by the master's

WBFF pros are the shit!All of these ladies look absolutely amazing! 54 days and I will be up on a stage like that too.  I have a few goals for the remainder of this time, first of all i would like to say that this past weekend I weighed in at 129.  Also, I would like to appologize for not being so user friendly to my blogspot.  I have been trying to spend as much time with my boyfriend and friends before today started (you know the dreaded first day of school-FML).

My goals for the next 54 days are two fold. (1) no more binges and (2) clean eating all the way!  This was supposed to start Saturday but I am an A-hole and had some chips at chili's. Whatever, kill me, I know I was in the wrong BUT it didn't lead to a binge.  Before we got to the resturant a bunch of stressful things happened, first I always feel like everything in my life is based on time and how long it takes to get places and how long I will be at location A for and when I have to leave location A to get to location B.  Then I dwecide to take a different route to my man's house and of course I get detoured and lost so by the time I pick him up, we don't have anywhere near enough time to get to the gun range and shoot for an hour.  So mad.  So literally I told him I needed/wanted a drink.  Of course I didn't have one but I did have something salty and crunchy.  I was over my calorie intake by 500.  My own fault.  After that we saw Don't Be Afraid of the Dark.  Honestly, worst acting by Katie Holmes, I was pretty dissappointed.  Not to mention, if anyone else saw this, did her voice sound like she was 12 or was it just me? Late night was fun and I got to sleep next to him so I woke up happy :)

Today since I am going back to school I have no free time all day and the same goes for wed, thurs, friday and saturdays so it will be super easy to follow a meal plan from here on out.  I have a lot of support around me and I know I can do this.  My number one goal was to stop my binges and if I can accomplish that from here on out and walk across that stage I will be one happy human.

I must remind myself that the original reason I entered this competition was to stop the binges, build my confidence and get the body I have been striving to get for so long.  Now, don't get me wrong, I have been planning a pig out fest for the day after, hell I probably will even take Monday off so I can lay in led all day!! Anywho- gotta get movin here! Have a lovely day..as for me, I dread it! BLAHP

Thanks boyfriend

Yesterday at work was the slowest it has been lately.  After much consideration I decided to have a FEW walnuts with my post workout meal when I got to work.  BAD IDEA.  Don't I know when I eat things that aren't pre-portioned I end up going balls to the walls?  Well I did.  Then I ate the walnuts and cranberries and a few other unmentionable things.  I know, less than 2 months til my comp, what the fuck am I thinking.  Honestly, at this point it's all on me, I have more than enough people around me telling me what I should and shouldn't be doing and I end up doing what I want anyways.  This may cause me to not get on stage in October, I know that, I am aware of that but what else can people tell me?  So anyways, the thoughts of already fucking up were in my head so I figured I could try and get my boyfriend to go out for pizza, get ice cream, indulge in ANYTHING I am not supposed to have.  To my absolute shock, he would not.  He wouldn't budge, and as a matter of fact I believe he even got a little mad at me for even asking and even more upset when I told him I had been grazing all day.  He told me I will not let you do this, he asked why I was doing it and said too bad I may have messed up during the day but that doesn't mean I have to keep doing it all day long, that we went grocery shopping, have a ton of healthy food and we are making something with the food we have.

I have never, this entire time had anyone stop me mid binge.  All of my binges either took place at home or with someone who was willing to indulge in the same nonsense.  At home I would just get my mother asking me "Now what are you eating" or at the family restaurant my sister saying "Stop eating the profits" No one has ever done what my boyfriend has done for me and caught me mid fall.  Usually I end up just falling flat on the ground only to wake up with an enormous stomach ache that leaves me in bed for 15 hours.  I can't believe I am saying this but I am here to be real and allow readers to really feel what I feel and I feel like food controls me.  If I honestly sat down and thought about how much time I spend tracking, measuring, weighing, thinking about what I will eat, planning it, and then consuming it, I guarantee it would take up A LOT of my time.  So here, again I think, pre-plan and have everything ready so that I don't have to think about it at all and I still can't seem to manage that either.  I hate to go through this whole process and not be ready but I have to learn at my own pace and figure out what is working and what isn't and it seems like this whole time has been a process of figuring out what DOESN'T work.

I must get going so I can get my stuff together, hide the garbage from the dog and hit the gym but right now there is a lot going through my mind about this.  I do NOT want to give up and say I will never be ready to walk across that stage in 58 days bc I do not want to quit but I really need to put forth more effort than I have been.  I just am not sure why I haven't been this whole time.  I told myself I wanted to go up and walk across that stage being able to say I gave it all I had but have I really???  I am not sure.....