100 days out!!

I am so proud of myself today and immediately have to thank Chelsea Marie AGAIN for helping me right at the end!  So from the beginning, I went to the court, killed my shoulders at the gym and then went to the beach with my friend and brought my cooler.  I was so proud that I packed everything and planned it all out, I actually got to lay there, got a tan and although I brought my school work and managed to read 2 short articles I needed to just relax.  Went to school and like seriously 3/4 of the way through I was getting seriously slap happy.  Everything was making me laugh, I just wanted to get outta there!  

I was driving back home, and then my mind started to wander.  I have my period and therefore that's grounds for thought twisting and comment twisting of things people have said to me all day.  I panicked, well not really because a serious panic attack would cause me to die in an accident so I texted Chelsea and told her HURRY! I need something positive right now!  She was back at me in minutes and it settled me.  My mind jumps, it causes me to worry very easily and it also causes me to jump to conclusions faster than one could imagine.  I want to be happy, I want to be successful, and sometimes these negative thoughts are exactly what cause me to binge or turn to food so I knew I needed to hit up the grocery store for some chicken and then realized I needed other things for the morning and snacks.  I am so grateful to have such great people in my life even if they are hundreds of miles away!!! 

My macros ended at 1574/29/116/209  BOOYAH!!!!  Can't wait to kill it tomorrow!!!!!

Times up motha-fucka!

Good Morning!  Excited to have the morning off, going to hit the gym hard (shoulders today) and then layin on the beach.  I can't wait to get some sun!  Unfortunately I need to bring school work with me but that's ok, gotta do what you gotta do.  Yesterday ended up perfect; eating, life, boy :)  I really am starting to fall for him, mixed emotions about that, but it just feels right.  Anyways, enough about that..

Although I did well with eating it was really tough to go 3 hours between meals while I was at work.  I had my breakfast at 8 then my post workout at 12 and then another snack at 3 but by 2pm I was really bored and really hungry.  I held out and it worked and then I was supposed to eat again at 6 but got SUPER busy at my family place.  6 top, 4 top, 2, top, 6 top, 2 top FUCK!  I was the cook/server/dishwasher and it was only my sister and I.  So this is what I did, I had a piece of chicken to be my last meal and my 6pm meal was going to be a greens salad with tuna so I just swapped them.  I knew it would be easier to eat the already cooked chicken I had than it would be to make the salad and I didn't want to skip a meal.  I ended up making the salad as I was cleaning up because apparently the last table to leave (the 6 top) thought it was their camp site and wouldn't go home!!!

Today I am hitting the beach and have pretty much planned out all of my meals except for my last one.  I need to go get some protein powder, I am having trouble figuring things out right now.  I felt hungrier yesterday with the meals I had, not sure why.  The best thing about today is I will be nowhere near food and so what I bring is what I eat, I won't be tempted by the world!!

I better quit pussyfootin' I need to go to the court and tell them this mother-f-er hasn't paid me yet!  Time to garnish your wages!!!  Have an awesome day! 

Feelin great!

Look at THAT body!!!  Motivation for sure!!I am soooo happy this morning, obviously b/c tonight I get to see a special someone.  Seriously I just have to be really lame right now and say that he makes me smile even at the crack of dawn when I wake up and read his texts saying Good Morning Beautiful, take note guys, this is one way (out of many) you can win us over, well me anyways.  Why?  Not just bc he is calling me beautiful before 7am but the fact that he is thinking about me that early :) come on, its the underlying meaning not just the superficial, jeepers, I may be doing a body competition but I'm not THAT shallow! :)

I started the morning with 4 egg whties, 6oz mushrooms, 3 slices watermelon, 1 rice cake and a scoop of whey with some coffee!! yippie! flyin high! Planned meals are:

12- 1.5 protein powder, 1 orange, 3 oz carrots and 1 tbsp ranch

3- 1.5 whey, 2 cups snow peas and 2 rice cakes

6- 1 can low sodium tuna, lettuce, tomato and garbanzo bean salad with most likely either lemon juice dressing or red wine vinegar

9- 4 oz chicken

I did this last night before bed and I feel like I am going to have the most trouble with the 6pm meal bc I will be at work in Alden and usually not that busy on Wednesdays, so...I will have to tough it out!  I know I can do it!

I also found the heels I will probably get..it's hard to tell, but I think they will work.  Personally, I do not feel like I would be confident wearing anything without the straps bc I would be too afraid they were going to slip off or something and the detail on the buckle isn't too distracting.

Well I better get my ass off of this internet, so damn addicting!  Off to go tanning then to the gym and then to work!  Have a great day!!!

Follow your gut!!

Good Morning!!! I want to start my blog explaining how awesome I did yesterday.  I took the time in the morning to plan everything out, all of my meals, measure everything, portion everything and I ended the day at 1506/27/131/183 not perfect but definitely really awesome on the meals aspect.  I worked out in the evening with a friend after I was done at the library.  We always have a blast when we hit the gym together!! So we get done working out at like 1030 and Wegman's is out next stop.  Now I had PLANNED on eating some sort of already cooked chicken that they usually have in their market cafe but unbeknownst to me, there was NONE! I immediately get angry tell Nicole I am buying my things and leaving.  I think,now what the hell am I gonna do? I have one meal of protein left, I don't want powder and I don't want to be up until midnight cooking friggin chicken. So, what did I do?  Something so ridiculous if you were someone random coming into Wegman's to food shop you would be shocked and confused as to why there was some girl eating tuna out of a can with a plastic spoon!  All I can say is I LOVE WEGMAN'S for having the market cafe because it provided me with a utensil to eat this tuna! That was all it took, I was happy and headed home!

Today I have a full day, hitting the gym soon, work 12-430 then class from 530-930 and I have my meals planned and ready to go, well almost just have to weigh a few more things out and I will end the day at 1567/30/126/192.  Planning really does go a long way!  It's annoying, yes but as long as I do it each day and try not to get ahead of myself I will be fine.  The weekend will be the hardest but I know that's something I need to overcome especially if I want to get on stage!! Have a fantastic day everyone!!

Pure fitness talk!

Good Morning!! Woke up early, but then went back to bed.  I checked to see if my trainer sent me my new workouts for the month but he didn't yet and since I have nothing going on tonight other than the library my plan is to workout after that.  I was really tired from being out later than nornal last night so I slept a little more.  Although, my dad was working out in the basement (GO DAD!) and the dogs always act annoying when they can't see or be near him so they kept bothering me.  Anyways, I finally got up and started cooking breakfast and planning my meals for the day.  I had my trainer break down macros for each meal and so this is making it a little easier, it will be less difficult if I had enough food so I am glad I had enough time to sit down and log it all in to figure it out.  Annoying, yes but this is one less thing I have to worry about today.  I look at it this way, by planning my meals I do not have to ponder when I will eat, what I will eat and whether or not I will go off track.  If I make this magnificent effort to follow the plan I know I will see results.  

I know I am no where near perfect but my trainer explaining to me that he doesn't want to be sitting across from me 2 weeks from the show telling me I am not ready.  I am not putting myself through all of this and then not be able to do it.  I am really determined to get these meals planned out everyday and just take it day by day.  I know I have to buy more food, looks like as I was planning I am going to need more veggies to fill the carbs, possibly get some nuts to fill the fat, if I can fathom it maybe, just maybe I will get a jar of peanut butter and then spread it on some rice cakes?  I want to get creative, I just don't have the time right now.  I know he wants to see me succeed, I want to see myself succeed.

So here's to Monday! Let's be productive!  Let's kill our workouts!!! Let's be healthy and fit for life!!

Worrying (caution-worry seeking advice)

First of all, male advice is welcome.  I would love to hear from a male perspective on how they think I am being....

I am not even going to fitspo because if I look at the pictures it's going to make my cry.  I made this blog to be honest and so that is just what I am going to do.  Before I started writing on here I actually pulled up my old blog and was going to just vent to myself but I thought what good is that going to do?  WHat good is hiding going to do?  So The 4th of July weekend I flew off of my diet, and 1 day I binged.  I do not think it was like a previous binge, ones that I used to have back in the day but not to that extreme.  I picked myself back up and had a great week and today I did it again.  I want to cry, I don't know what is going on with me.  Are my hormones out of whack? Yes.  Am I getting my period soon? Yes, tomorrow starts placebo.  Is there a new person in my life? Yes and I just went over with him how there has to be a catch.  What is wrong with me?  Basically I displayed through text message how worrysome I can be and he steered me away from thinking that like saying you can't focus so much on something that may or may not go wrong because you will miss out on stuff that is right in front of you and you won't know unless you put yourself out there.  GENIUS!  right? I mean seriously.  It's good stuff so why am I making it so hard to accept?  Honestly, I have hurt others, in relationships and I guess it's not only the fear that I will hurt him but that he will hurt me, because let's get real people, karma is a bitch.  I need some serious advice.  I really like this guy, I really like getting to know him, I have fun with him.  On the other side of me, this competition seems to be creeping up on me and I feel like I am panicking about not being ready and obsess over it and then my actions end of being the opposite of what they should be.  Like I am completely aware that I just binged, I know when it started and I know why it continued and I know the situations it was in that it occured and I let it go on.

I thought I was past this.  I thought I was beyond this and I thought I was above this and I am struggling right now.  After I type this I am getting ready for bed, waking up early making breakfast and going for a nice long rollerblade.  I just wish I had my head on right and I really thought I did up until I met him.  He twisted me, he turned me and now I am facing in the opposite direction that I was in before I met him.  I don't want to mess this up.  I honestly never felt like this before and its insane I just don't want him to think I am insane.  I have been ME around him, I haven't been acting different but its the things that come out of me over text that make me look really complicated.  OK so maybe that's it, I am sometimes a little complicated, I over-worry, I over-think and he has said more than once that he is a simple guy.  As I type that I think (HA, that doesn't exist) but maybe he is exactly what I need to make me see like as something short and too short to drastically ponder the what if's the future and the 10 minutes from now.  I have been always wishing to be able to live in the now and maybe this is my chance?  I know I do not want to let something pass me by that is right in front of me, I also do not want to push that away because of my unwillingness to see the world in the now. 

I truly believe everything happens for a reason and this journey really is a learning process.  Right now I feel like I am having an epiphany.  I know I binge, I allow myself to binge, and if I lay it all out and the overstress that has been going on its all about the unknown.  Stressing about the unknown of this competition- will i even be ready?  Stressing about the unknown with this guy, is he for real?  can he really like me this much when I feel the same way too?  Or maybe he doesn't really like me as much as I like him and so then will i be completely crushed when he calls it quits?  I could go on with questions like this for hours.  I was bored at work all night tonight, even right before, I didn't have the greatest of snacks and I WAS hungry, I let myself eat a few things I thought I might be craving and I let it get out of control.

I really need to do what everyone has been telling me to do this whole time and just plan so for tomorrow I planned my breakfast, my snack, my lunch and then I am having dinner at his house.  My goal will to be to plan out everything for each day the day before not a week at a time just a day at a time and do my best.

I need to get to bed I am really excited to rollerblade tomorrow!!!

Moving on

Today for my weigh in I was 133 :(  Really serious bummer but I knew it.  Not going to dwell though, not going to sit here and waste time being upset, I am going to move on and learn.  This time I mean it.  I know I fucked up over the weekend and I know I am getting my period in a few days, so those 2 combos, no bueno.  Day by day I will make it to my next weigh in hopefully seeing myself back to 131!  In tracking my weight I was 133 right before my last period too and then I lost after that because I stayed consistent.  So I just need to make sure I keep my head in the game, don't let any one or anything throw me off and kill it!!