Food baby

The only responsibility I have today is class at 630 and I fear this isn't goo for my dome.  I am home by myself, just me and the dogs.  I have accomplished two things thus far; (1) called in for a new pack of birth control because I lost mine- I have no idea how that happened but good thing I'm not having sex (2) paid my Discover credit card bill (2 days too late, let's cross our fingers for a weekend grace period).  

As I sit here, I realize I still have feelings in my head and heart that I stuffed away for the weekend extravaganza.  I would be a liar if I said I was completely over the heart ache my ex caused.  I know I am a strong woman and I can move on but it still just really hurts deep down knowing it was so easy for him to just walk away.  It hurts to know that someone can say they love you but yet not be willing to do things to make a relationship better.  Simply put, it still hurts.  I thought I would be ready today to get back up on the healthy train and start eating healthy but being home with nothing to do for another 4 hours is not helping that too much.  I took the morning off today because I figured I would be too blasted with carbs and sugar spikes to be an efficient employee.  I went to bed early and I am pretty sure I slept for 12 hours.  When I went to bed I had a belly that resembled a 4 month pregnant woman.  This morning I made some more not so healthy choices but as I sit here and facebook stalk and look at pictures and really truly think about my goals I know I want to get back to it as soon as I can.

Tomorrow I have my internship from 830-330 and then work at 5.  I feel like this is the perfect day to get started with my new goals because I will not be around any shitty food all morning.  I am a little nervous about being in the Applebee's kitchen all night but to be honest I think my then I will be over this eating shitty food free for all.  I know I have eaten the things I really have wanted to eat already; pizza, ice cream, french toast and chocolate!!!! 

I am so thankful for all of the support that I have around me and I know anywhere I turn even if I am trying to run there will be someone there with their hand stretched out to stop me, to remind me of what my dreams are.  I get a little bit stronger every day and I don't want anything to stop me from reaching my goals.  I had a blast at this first competition and I have learned so much and definitely made a lot of mistakes and am making sure I don't make them this time!  I am done looking for the loop holes and taking the short cuts!  I need to put in what I want to get out!  I know I will be ok, I know I can accomplish whatever I set out to do and now that I have the experience with this show I will use that to help me with the next one!!!

BIKINI COMPETITOR!!!

I am officially in LOVE with competing in competitions!  Yesterday was the best experience EVER!  Let me take you into my day!

I woke up around 8am to start to get ready.  Ok wait...REWIND...let's go back to Thursday night around 7:30pm when my who I thought was such a fabulous boyfriennd and that I was in LOVE with broke up with me.  I was so hurt.  I cried and cried.  The next day for my last cardio session I cried all over the cardio equipment.  His reasons were I was too busy, he didn't see me enough, he didn't know how to handle that and that he couldn't do this right now, that he jumped into another relationship too fast.  I think the latter is not true because he is someone who JUMPED into a lot of things too fast without thourough thoughts but I was dumb and followed along.  When I got my tan after my workout I explained what happened because my eyes were SUPER puffy and they were nice girls and I neeeded to vent.  They asked if I wanted to wait and I said HELL NO!  I sucked it up, got strong and made sure I didn't cry and ruin a $60 tan  :)  Anyways, he did teach me some valuable things about myself and I know that I will take that and use it to my advantage.

Ok back to me :)  I slept at my bestie Nicole's house because she is an amazing friend and I love her!  She curled my hair and did my make-up and I really felt like bikini barbie!!!! I was a little mad I didn't leave earlier because then I wasn't able to get a coffee which maybe was a blessing in disguise if you get me :)  I was so nervous, all of the girls were so gorgeous, and I could tell super lean.  Along the way you all know I have taken many steps back by not following the plan, trying to find the short cuts and loop holes (all things my ex happily brought to my attention).  We had out meeting, got out numbers and were told basically how the show would run.  This was around 1030-1100 and prejudging wasn't until 1pm!  So I took my stuff into the basement where they had it set up so we could get ready.  Def NOT a big enough area for all the girls that were there but I stayed down there pretty much the whole time, sizing up my competition and getting to know some of the girls.  I was lucky to have already met 2 girls that worked out at the same gym as I did only the Women's club.  They were super nice and supportive.  I started to look around once we all had our numbers on to see who was near mine and in my height class.  I knew immediately that I was not lean enough but again, didn't let it bother me because I felt proud to be there, proud to have come this far, not given up and not chicken shit out!  I was nervous at first to take off my track suit for fear that I would get dirty looks like "wow she is NOT ready" but I was so surprised at how nice all of the girls were.  Of course there were some that had to think they were better than everyone else but I tried to not let that affect me especially since most of them weren't in my class anyways.

I was also surprised to see that not all of these girls were perfect either, we all have our own flaws and it's not about being perfect (well for some it is) but it truly is about how confident you are in yourself and what you have accomplished.  Another great thing about this show was that it wasn't a pro qualifier and I think the level of the show makes it much more comfortable for first time girls like me.  If it was a bigger show I do not know if I would have had such a great expereince because the girls would have been pretty much near perfect.

Fast forward to 1pm, we are all lined up in order, ready to hit the stage for pre-judging.  I was shaking like a fucking leaf, probably even more shaking than when I gave my ex my phone number (bad judgement on that one).  We got out there and did our 1/4 turns, lights all on us, crowd cheering, my lips were shaking so much I think I got points taken off hahaha.  After that I was a little uneasy because who knows, all this stuff is going through my head about what I coulda shoulda woulda done.  I went out to lunch with my trainer, had a slice of pizza with ranch dressing and it was so delicious and a salad.  We talked about the days after the comp of eating haha hello, DUH and doing another show.

We got back with a shit load of time, but eventually I just went back down and started getting ready again.  The night show was our individual walks and poses and I had  A BLAST with this part! Definitely my favorite part of the show.  I walked out there and owned it with the music playing.  I could hear people cheering and screaming for me and it was such an AMAZING feeling!! I loved every second I was up there showing off all of my hard work!!! After that we ALL went on stage which went as smooth as it could with over 40 girls!  It felt amazing up there, I can't even express it in words because it was just such an individual experience.

After that we went out again by class and got awards.  I placed 6th out of 7 girls and was just so happy that I wasn't last!  It gave me that little boost that said, you were better than at least one girl and you can be just as good as the top 3 if you put in what needs to be put in!

I have been through a lot, been tested many times throughout the past 5 months and I know I am going to stuff my face the next few days, I am currently writing this at 1030am while eating cheese fix munchie mix ahhahaha but my stomach already doesn't like me and I know I hate the way I look when I am bloated and I do not want to start this off on the wrong foot so I will get all of this out of my system and then get right back into it and listen to my trainer and do what he tells me 100% the whole time and see what I can do for my next show in 5 months!  I can't wait to actually compare COMPETITION photos!  I love this and I am so glad I found something I really love doing!!!

My last thing I want to say is that I am sooooo happy to have such a great support system in my life!  I never knew how many people were really watching from a distance, cheering me on this whole time and getting just as excited as I was!  Thank you so much for all of your support!  Seriously if I could have given a speech I would have said that not only do I have a  lot of support from friends but my cyber friends make up a big part of my life too.  I am so thankful and appreciative of ALL of you!!!!!! Thanks for following me with this journey...it isn't over and I am NOT saying goodbye..time for the journey to continue!!!!!!   :)

Morning Rain

I know the feelings that run through me right now,

and the only thing I want to do I don't even know how.

I don't know how to accomplish letting these feelings go,

I don't know how to set them free just as they start to show.

I feel like I have let you down and you have taken a step away,

Now I constantly fear that you aren't going to stay.

Stay in my world on the same level we have been,

it feels like its different but it could all just be the same.

I can't help but worrying about what's going on inside,

Lately all I want to do is lay in my bed and cry.

A human can only take so much to pile up on their plate,

before it all falls to the ground and I'm sure most can relate.

I will be strong and I will be bold and will not let it fall,

I will only allow this to make me stand up real tall.

No one said I was perfect no one said things would be swell,

no one said life would be easy but it also doesn't have to be hell.

I need to choose the battles to worry over and leave the rest behind,

because you never know when you will find yourself in a bind.

I don't want to ruin this and twist it into something it's not

it's all up to me though and my mind is like a robot.

A robot that continuously does the same things over and over again,

finally realizing that it doesn't bring me to back to "zen"

It's the definition of insanity and something I no longer want to feed,

I want to return to the happy, crazy me!

Stressed x 73725

The above picture is what I should be partaking in at this current moment in time but instead I am on here, blogging off my face because my head is in 734685 different directions.

First of all, I had my internship today and let's just say I am glad I can honestly accept the fact that I am NOT ready for motherhood.  I definitely have a lot to learn and I am really excited that I have been given this opportunity to do this internship.  I am going to learn a shit load!  Not to mention I might fall in love with all of these children which may not be good at the end...

Second of all, of course we HAVE to talk about this competition, I was a height verification away from being taken out of it and apparently this is the BIGGEST show Olympus has EVER had.  AWESOME.  Makes me really proud knowing I binged my way through this :( NOT.  Oh well, my own fault, I am lucky this isn't the WBFF!  I can't say I am where I wanted to be and I am willing to accept fault for it.  I also want to back that up by saying that I have learned SO much about myself and that all the mistakes I made this time around will be sure to be avoided the next time.

Third- I am really getting sick of doing cardio

Fourth-  My first sponsor for OA ended up leaving me.  She said she had some issues and I am ok with that.  Just means it wasn't meant to work out for us.  Also, it meant I was supposed to find my new sponsor and I already love her!  My fear though is that I haven't been able to devote much time to OA.  I have been making it a point to go to an online meeting at least once a day but noticed I haven't been "at" the meeting.  I am a multi-tasker, I can juggle many things at once and I love that I have that talent but I also hate it too for things like this.  Being a COE needs my undivided attention and I didn't do that tonight.  Instead I was too concerned with catching up on facebook updates (really?!) checking my emails and feeling guilty that I do not have the time to read all of the responses to the OA loops I am subscribed to and feeling bad that I haven't been doing the daily assignments.  This program is very in depth and I know I need to work it for it to work but I only have so much damn time in a damn day and I would like if I got to enjoy time once in awhile.  Can that ever happen?

Fifth- I posted on a FB group about what to do AFTER the show.  I have been good about not binging or compulsively over eating and I fear that the show being over I will get back to old habits.  I do NOT want this to happen.  Being in OA has made me realize that I do have an issue with food and it needs to be addressed but the restricting that has happened at the end of this journey because I have messed up so much along the way does not go along well together.  I am so scared that I will fall back into these stupid habits.  I have a plan though and I will stick to that plan!  

Sixth- I keep thinking about how a lot of girls are saying that training and prepping for a competition has ruined their lives.  I can not agree with this at all.  I decided to give up drinking alcohol over 6 months ago and I have to say that was one of the best decisions I ever made.  My social life has NOT been effected by this and actually since getting into a new relationship has gotten better.  I have never found myself enjoy the company of friends as much as I am right now.  Not only that but my boyfriend and I have an amazing relationship going.  He is EXTREMELY supportive of my goals and we mesh nicely :)  Although I still do get pissed off when people ask what I am eating and then make a gross face.  Like get the fuck away from me then!  MAJOR pet peeve with that!  Ewww..whats that?! ITS FUCKIN CHICKEN...DUH!!!! Anyways, I feel confident in knowing that I have not let this interfere with my life, some people may say I have but how come?  because I ate broccoli instead of fries? or because I worked out before work and you didn't?  This is a LIFESTYLE for me and I WANT to compete and I WANT to get better at this


Just like my boyfriend reassured me, things that were invented, even medicine or technology, all of those people made mistakes and screwed up before they got it right.


PROGRESS, NOT PERFECTION


<3

 

Perfection

As you all already know, I came across OA last Monday and have been working through it since then.  Through the loops and the F2F and online meetings I have heard and read so many stories.  I have been since I have been sucked into this disease an extremes kind of person.  I will be all in and one little set back will de-rail me so far from reality that it takes a natural disaster to get me back.  The first few days I went to online meetings at least once and I was so relieved as soon as I signed in.  I skipped a day and binged, after that I went through a long stretch of not binging but yesterday I skipped a meeting.  Not intentional, I have intentions of attending as many meetings as I can, but now I know my goal MUST be one a day.  I need all of the support I can get.  I have so many people in my life right now that believe in me, and as much as I am sure they are frustrated with me they never tell me I have no willpower (even though they may think it) or that I really have no strength.  They stand by my side the entire time, with each slip up and offer their hand for me to grasp so I can brush myself off again.

My main reason for posting this blog right now, while still in an OA (Overeater's Annonymous)meeting, is that while I was sitting here and checking  my emails I received one from a fellow OA member.  I was questioning the difference between a COE (compulsive over eater-sorry, I assume everyone already know) and a binger and if I COE does that mean I have to start back at day one of abstience or because it didn't lead to a binge am I ok?  This is the ridiculous self talk that goes on in my head a constant obession, worry, stress over something so simple.  So this member had told me that to everyone it is different but that she doesn't count the days and it got me thinking, wow.  This is a fantastic way of looking it.  Should I really be counting the days when I am already entering this with an "all or nothing" attitude?  The thought of counting days to me seems like counting perfection, does it not?  I have been 6 days absitenent, and then I over ate, now I am back at one or am I still at 6 because I didn't binge.  WHO FUCKING CARES!! keeping track of a specific amount of days only feeds into my extremist personality and also only adds to the thoughts of having to be perfect.

Right now I need to focus on progress and NOT perfection.  I know I will never be perfect and I need to realize that a slip up or a splurge that didn't lead to a binge is a success and a step in the right direction!  I also need to learn that these slip ups are ok and they are going to happen, no one is perfect and I shouldn't try to be either.  I really have come a long way since I started this journey in May and although I times I feel as if I have not gotten anywhere and that I am not where I want to be that I never gave up, I kept on learning and growing stronger and gaining more support along the way.

Thank you to EVERYONE who has been and will ALWAYS be there for me..you know who you are :) 

I hope this made sense...

The poems return

So last night I wrote a poem...here it is:

It's hard to describe something to someone when you personally don't know what it is,

  but it's even harder trying to do it when you know something exists.

It's something deeper inside of me that's just out of my reach,

  sending my emotions and spiritual self on a roller coaster ride week after week.

The thoughts are so consuming that nothing else matters at the time,

  Sometimes I wonder how these thoughts in my head could ever possibly be mine.

The obsessions, the negative vibe, the lies that I am told,

  so ridiculous to say that food could do this to someone's soul.

I can go back to in time to figure out the time line of how this occur ed,

but dwelling on the past as we all know only makes matters worse.

So I have come to accept that I am powerless over food,

and that working the twelve steps is something I must seriously do.

I want to be free from these wasteful consuming obsessions,

  and spend that time instead of my life's most precious possessions

CHUCK IT

Some of my greatest ASSets :) 

Not much of a change since my pics at 4 weeks.  I have 18 more days and I cried again today, actually I cried a few more photos after this one.  Today as many of you know, I chucked a brand new, only some eaten, jar of chunky peanut butter out my window while driving, into a field.  I bought it, found a plastic spoon in Tops to eat some of it on the way home and then as I was doing so realized that if I didn't start texting my support system, (and yes, Taylor you were first) that I would devour the whole container.  At this point I have 4 days of abstinence under my belt of not binging but then I get caught up in the am I over eating or is COE and binge eating the same thing?  I have messed up my diet by binging so much along this journey that this super strict diet consisting of eggs, chicken, cheese and vegetables is unmanageable for me and I rebel by giving in tothe voices inside my head that say to just have a taste to get rid of the craving.  Only do I realize though that this is exactly what OA is telling me.  That this addiction is just like an alcoholics addiction to food and the constant battle inside their head about whether or not to have that one drink knowing if they do, it won't be their last.  It's exactly the same thing only the addiction here is food.  An alcoholic though can stop drinking, but a food addict needs to eat to survive.  So how does one that is struggling with an eating disorder and doing a competition find that balance?  In a way these last 18 days I know will be hell but I also find relief in knowing that once this competition is over I can breath and start over and do even better for the next one.

Yes, you read that right, the next one,

You see, my friends, competing has ALWAYS been a dream of mine and I am NOT giving up.  I may not be perfect, people may say wow, she has no willpower but someone with a binge eating disorder has it deeper than just willpower, it's more than that, it's different than that.  I can't explain it and by not being able to do so stresses me out even more.  I want people to understand but if I don't, how can I explain it to others? 

What else do I want to say?  Oh yeah, I have given up all peanut butters of any kind for now.  Please "like" The Butters Lovers Anonymous Club to join me in this challenge.  There was a fantastic over 66 comment conversation about the love of peanut butter on Team Fit which I thoroughly enjoyed, but not as much as the hole fucking.  As of midnight tonight I will be 5 days abstinent from binge eating and so as much as I feel like I am not fucking the holes, I fucked a big one today when that jar sailed through the country air!