Thursday, October 6, 2011

Perfection


As you all already know, I came across OA last Monday and have been working through it since then.  Through the loops and the F2F and online meetings I have heard and read so many stories.  I have been since I have been sucked into this disease an extremes kind of person.  I will be all in and one little set back will de-rail me so far from reality that it takes a natural disaster to get me back.  The first few days I went to online meetings at least once and I was so relieved as soon as I signed in.  I skipped a day and binged, after that I went through a long stretch of not binging but yesterday I skipped a meeting.  Not intentional, I have intentions of attending as many meetings as I can, but now I know my goal MUST be one a day.  I need all of the support I can get.  I have so many people in my life right now that believe in me, and as much as I am sure they are frustrated with me they never tell me I have no willpower (even though they may think it) or that I really have no strength.  They stand by my side the entire time, with each slip up and offer their hand for me to grasp so I can brush myself off again.

My main reason for posting this blog right now, while still in an OA (Overeater's Annonymous)meeting, is that while I was sitting here and checking  my emails I received one from a fellow OA member.  I was questioning the difference between a COE (compulsive over eater-sorry, I assume everyone already know) and a binger and if I COE does that mean I have to start back at day one of abstience or because it didn't lead to a binge am I ok?  This is the ridiculous self talk that goes on in my head a constant obession, worry, stress over something so simple.  So this member had told me that to everyone it is different but that she doesn't count the days and it got me thinking, wow.  This is a fantastic way of looking it.  Should I really be counting the days when I am already entering this with an "all or nothing" attitude?  The thought of counting days to me seems like counting perfection, does it not?  I have been 6 days absitenent, and then I over ate, now I am back at one or am I still at 6 because I didn't binge.  WHO FUCKING CARES!! keeping track of a specific amount of days only feeds into my extremist personality and also only adds to the thoughts of having to be perfect.

Right now I need to focus on progress and NOT perfection.  I know I will never be perfect and I need to realize that a slip up or a splurge that didn't lead to a binge is a success and a step in the right direction!  I also need to learn that these slip ups are ok and they are going to happen, no one is perfect and I shouldn't try to be either.  I really have come a long way since I started this journey in May and although I times I feel as if I have not gotten anywhere and that I am not where I want to be that I never gave up, I kept on learning and growing stronger and gaining more support along the way.

Thank you to EVERYONE who has been and will ALWAYS be there for me..you know who you are :) 

I hope this made sense...

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